My life changed dramatically and forever when I lost TJ.

I welcome you to follow along as I adjust to my "new normal".

It is not all puppies and ice cream but it is my life....real and honest.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Happy Anniversary TJ

Today is our anniversary. TJ was so happy that I finally agreed to marry him after being together for almost 16 years. I did everything to make sure the last 7 months of his life was everything he wanted.

I used to believe in forever.....but forever was too good to be true. ~ Pooh

Monday, May 24, 2010

New House Pictures

I really put some time in this weekend thinking about what I could do a post on and came up with nothing. That is, until I remembered that I have yet to post pictures of the house I bought. It was a repo and I got it really cheap so it is nothing spectacular but it is good enough for me and my animals and frankly at this point in my life that is all that matters. I tore out all the flooring and my girlfriend, Dana, did stained concrete floors for me. I love them and they are so easy to keep clean. You can check out her website here. The pictures were taken by my cousins when they came out for 4 days at the end of March. We had not seen or even spoken for over 20 years but had a fantastic time. I still have a ton of work to do on the house but my theory is that it will get done when it gets worries. Like I have said, some things just aren't as important to me as they used to be. When I have opportunities to be with friends or family all work stops on the house until I have time to get back to it. I guess since I have a pool not much will get done this summer but I will pick back up again this winter.

The picture below is of my little "memorial" to TJ in the entry area. The hat is the one he was wearing the night I met him (December 15, 1994), the rattlesnake skin is one we killed in the back yard at the other house and he skinned, the metal piece is our brand that he welded for us and was on the top of a light post in the arena at the other house, and of course, one of my favorite pictures of him.....Damn he was a good looking guy!!!!

My cousin, Leslie, probably be won't be too happy about this picture being on the blog but it was the only picture of the kitchen (notice that I still need to install my hardware).

As a last note....Dobie, the little chihuahua, has been really sick for the past week. Everything he eats goes straight through him (really glad to have concrete floors right now!!!) and he has lost about 2 pounds. When you only weigh 7 pounds that is quite a bit to lose. Today he seems just a little bit better so I am going to give it a couple more days and then I might take him to the vet. Keep your fingers crossed for him!!

Monday, May 17, 2010


I find myself often thinking about what I went through with TJ after his diagnosis. I have replayed the multitude of conversations we had over and over again in my mind. His prognosis was poor from the beginning and although he was determined to fight the cancer he also knew in his heart that it was a death sentence for him. And while that my sound like a horrible thing to say TJ & I both were very realistic. We discussed all the things we had done together, we reviewed in detail our last 16 years together. The good, the bad, and the ugly as we liked to call it. We talked in detail about my life after he was gone. Where would I live, how I would get by without him, who I could call to help with different things. He even told me specific people he did not want me to date (what a goof! but we had a good belly laugh with that conversation). We hoped that things were going to turn out different than they did but we planned for the worst. His main concern was that I was going to be OK.

TJ was only 49 when he left me and it really made me realize some things about life. The whole thing changed me. It changed me a whole lot actually. Some don't see the change in me while others do. I feel it in myself every day. Oh, I am still the same person basically, I still believe in the same things, I still have the same interests and I still have my friends. But, it is a change deep inside that is really hard to explain.

Often I know people see it when they say to me, "what is wrong with you tonight?" I usually come up with some BS answer to blow them off because it is at that point that I know they are a DGI (don't get it). I know this doesn't mean they don't care, it just means that they don't understand. My world is different now and theirs is still going down the same path. Somewhere my life took a wrong turn and I ended up in a front end collision at 100 mph. My future has been altered, I have to find a new route to take and it is not easy. I am not seriously injured but the scars will last a lifetime even thought they might not be visible to all who cross my path. Little things do not matter to me at all anymore. Some events in life are bigger than most can imagine and it makes everything else seem so small and unimportant.

Yes, I have lots of DGIs in my life and I still love them but what I really appreciate are the ones who do GET IT. They are the ones who see the change in me and not only accept it but embrace it and cheer me after every hurdle I clear, they respect TJ and his memory and know that I am doing exactly what he wanted me to do, they don't sit in judgement but sit beside me pushing, and, yes, sometimes shoving me forward. They are the ones that have grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me in the right direction and are there when I get off course to help me find my way.

We all have some form of DGIs in our lives. They may be a good friend, a family member, even a spouse or a sibling and it doesn't mean they don't love you it is just that they DON'T GET IT. Don't turn your back on them just realize ...... you may be a DGI to them.