This will be my second birthday without TJ. The fact that I will be celebrating my birthday without TJ doesn't bother me as much as the fact that I take note that it is my second birthday without TJ. When will this counting stop! Every major and even minor holiday I think of TJ and how many he has not been here for. This is common among widows/widowers. We even have a made up name for some of the more specific dates, "sadiversary". I really don't want to think like that....always counting. Who wants to celebrate a sadiversary? I don't and frankly I am quite tired of them.
When TJ died I never questioned whether or not I "could do this". The question I asked myself was "Do I want to do this?" From the very beginning I said "Yes!" Not only can I do it, but I want to do it well. In good times we all grow and thrive, it is not until things get tough that we truly learn what we have inside of us. TJ's death is a part of my life now. It is but a single chapter in my life. My life that is composed of many, many chapters. Many past chapters and many more to come. We never stay the same person, we change as we grow older and it is the things that happen to us that make up the story of our life. In my years with TJ he made me a better woman. When I am sad or unsure, I simply see myself through TJ's eyes. In his eyes I can do anything.
TJ and I had a plan. I don't have a plan. TJ's death left me at a fork in the road, not knowing which path to take. I am still standing at the fork weighing all my options. I try to not spend too much time worrying about which fork to travel because I am afraid of missing happy times. So, here I stand, not moving forward. I am stagnant. There are no ripples in my pond of life, just stagnant water. Stagnant water stinks and being stuck at this fork is getting old...just like counting the sadiversaries. Alone or not I must walk ahead.
My birthday present to myself is to chose a path, to set some goals, to make some plans. Nobody is going to do it for me; they can't. This is going to be a very difficult task because when I think of life goals I only think of the goals we had. Some may still be obtainable, albeit alone. Others though are dead, they died right along side TJ. Our dreams and goals are no longer achievable. I have to focus on my dreams and goals. Dreams and goals that I can achieve on my own. They must be mine and all mine.
A very good friend recently said to me, "The miracle ain't the life you missed Sandy; it's the life you got!"
When TJ died I never questioned whether or not I "could do this". The question I asked myself was "Do I want to do this?" From the very beginning I said "Yes!" Not only can I do it, but I want to do it well. In good times we all grow and thrive, it is not until things get tough that we truly learn what we have inside of us. TJ's death is a part of my life now. It is but a single chapter in my life. My life that is composed of many, many chapters. Many past chapters and many more to come. We never stay the same person, we change as we grow older and it is the things that happen to us that make up the story of our life. In my years with TJ he made me a better woman. When I am sad or unsure, I simply see myself through TJ's eyes. In his eyes I can do anything.
TJ and I had a plan. I don't have a plan. TJ's death left me at a fork in the road, not knowing which path to take. I am still standing at the fork weighing all my options. I try to not spend too much time worrying about which fork to travel because I am afraid of missing happy times. So, here I stand, not moving forward. I am stagnant. There are no ripples in my pond of life, just stagnant water. Stagnant water stinks and being stuck at this fork is getting old...just like counting the sadiversaries. Alone or not I must walk ahead.
My birthday present to myself is to chose a path, to set some goals, to make some plans. Nobody is going to do it for me; they can't. This is going to be a very difficult task because when I think of life goals I only think of the goals we had. Some may still be obtainable, albeit alone. Others though are dead, they died right along side TJ. Our dreams and goals are no longer achievable. I have to focus on my dreams and goals. Dreams and goals that I can achieve on my own. They must be mine and all mine.
A very good friend recently said to me, "The miracle ain't the life you missed Sandy; it's the life you got!"
i understand what you're saying, i simply wish i could feel it, too. you are ready to choose a direction when one was thrust upon me. you have some options while i never will. things happened along the way in my life that, now, with his death, will always keep me at, not a fork in the road but on the wayside watching others make choices at that "what to do now" junction.
ReplyDeletei am happy for you. i wish you only peace. i wish you only the best. i watch from afar and want all good things for you.
Happy birthday! I hope that you find goals that will bring you much happiness :-)
ReplyDelete---HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sandy! The world is better with you inside it :)) xx
ReplyDeleteHow affirming, go Sandy. Happy birthday, and you GO GET 'EM on the goals. I am rooting for you.
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday, I hope you find a way to set those goals for yourself.
ReplyDeleteDear Sandy,
ReplyDeleteon days like this I love to visit your blog... and I know you know why. Your birthday is on the same day than the birthday of my late wife. And I'm filled up with a warm loving feeling, when I send you the sweetest birthday huggssssss.....
Just to let you know how much it does mean for me, I'll post here for you lyrics of a song I wrote in 1998.
That song still has to be recorded!!! ;-)
MY SPECIAL KIND (J.MONCOQ / JUNE 1998)
You don´t know what you´re doing.
You don´t know how much i care.
I want to hold you in my arms.
I want you to be there.
I wanna see your face in the morning.
I wanna hear your sigh at night.
You´re the one I always wanted.
Let love be our guiding light.
Chorus:
A change in the weather.
A change in my mind.
I could not believe.
You could be my special kind.
Let the time be on our side.
Lets kiss our wounds, that they heal.
Step by step we get closer.
Want to show you how i feel.
There´s so much to talk over.
So many things have been unsaid.
And when we share our experiences,
The past cannot drive us mad.
Chorus:
A change in the weather.
A change in my mind.
I could not believe.
You could be my special kind.
A change in the weather.
A change in your mind.
You could not believe.
That i´m your special kind.
-------
Keep your head up, I try too...
Hugs, Joachim
Sorry I missed your birthday, Sandy. I hope you have a wonderful year ahead of you, filled with the wonderful things you deserve. I've never been good with goals, so wish you well with yours.
ReplyDelete