FlyingWG

Wednesday's Recipe - Chicken Parisien

2012-01-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

This is a fantastic recipe for a dinner party. The sauce can be made ahead of time and poured over the chicken right before baking. I frequently served it with a long grain and wild rice mixture as the sauce goes wonderful with rice. My parents first had this at a restaurant and were able to talk the chef out of the recipe. I have no doubt that it was my father who put pressure on the chef to share the recipe. For years it was my sister's favorite dish and she always requested if for her birthday dinner. I know many people cook solely with boneless, skinless chicken breast nowadays and they will work in this recipe, although I prefer bone in and skin on for the added flavor.

CHICKEN PARISIEN

1 cut-up fryer parts

1/2 Cup sliced onions

4 Tablespoons chopped green pepper

1 Cup sliced mushrooms

SAUCE

2 Cups orange juice

1 Cup water

2 teaspoons salt

2 Tablespoons flour

2 teaspoons orange rind

6 Tablespoons sherry wine

2 Tablespoons brown sugar

pepper

2 Tablespoons dried parsleyflakes

Place chickenpieces skin side up in a shallow baking dish (I use a 13x9x2). Add onions, green pepper and mushrooms.Combine sauce ingredients in a saucepan. Cook and stir over moderate heat untilmixture thickens and bubbles. Pour over chicken. Bake in a preheated, 375degree oven for one hour or more until tender.

Little Oido

2012-01-24T00:01:00.000-07:00

Back on December 19 a little stray chihuahua mix showed up in the parking lot of the complex I work in. He was very skinny and appeared to be fearful of just about everyone and everything. Because of my love for dogs and just about any other animal I picked up a bag of dog food while running errands that day. Come to find out, not only was I feeding him, but just about everyone in the complex was. I called him Oido.

Over the past 5 weeks Oido and I became very good friends. He was still very skittish and would not let me touch him but he spent all day by my office door.

Whenever I would walk anywhere in the complex he would follow me right on my heels. At the end of the day he would follow me to my truck and as I was leaving I would see him running behind my truck. It was heartbreaking.

Last week he was beginning to show some happiness when he saw me arrive in the morning. He would run around in circles, wagging his tail and yipping. I really felt like I was making progress with him. I had multiple homes lined up for him once I was able to socialize him. He could not take that leap of faith and actually come in my office, but he got close!

Today would have marked the beginning of week 6 with Oido. I waited and waited for him to show up for his breakfast but no Oido. As the day progressed I got very sad thinking about what could have happened to him.

Hopefully he will show up tomorrow.....

Healing

2012-01-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

I have always loved animals. My Mom used to frequently dream that I brought home a stray elephant I had found. Throughout the years I have adopted numerous stray dogs and even a few barn cats. For me, animals bring so much joy into my life that I can't imagine being without them.

They can sense so many of our emotions and give us unconditional love. I believe one can find so much symbolism in the way they behave and often times parallels between their life and ours can be drawn. I want to share with you one such true story.

Quite a few years back an injured dove showed up at our house. I don't know if he had been shot or hit by a car, but his breast was completely sliced open. I first noticed him while I was throwing scratch (cracked corn) on the ground for my chickens. He was trying desperately to steal some but the chickens kept chasing him away and it was obvious that he could not fly. I threw him some scratch off to the side so he could eat. For the first week he ate alone, away from the chickens and away from me. Every morning he would appear for his share of some scratch and it wasn't long before my chickens began to accept him and he blended right in. Over time his breast began to heal and he could fly a little bit at a time; not very long and not very high but to me it was fantastic improvement. During his healing he learned that I was not a threat and he had no fear of me. When eventually he could fly good as new he never left our place. He would always be waiting for me when I went out to feed in the morning and often when I would leave for work he would ride the bed rails of my truck until I pulled out of the driveway. He would then fly up to rest on the power lines. Often he would be waiting on those same lines when I got home. As I pulled into the driveway he would swoop down and ride the truck to it's parking place. In the evenings, as TJ and I sat on the patio discussing our day and planning the next he would happily perch nearby. He eventually found a mate and they built their nest on our patio right outside the back door. While TJ wasn't happy with the mess they were creating, I convinced him to please let them be. They raised not just one but two families right on our patio.

When I moved from that house after TJ died there was no way for me to bring him with me so I was forced to leave him behind and it broke my heart. I can still vividly remember the last time I pulled out of that driveway and he was on the bed rails of my truck. When he flew off just as I pulled into the street I stuck my hand out the window and waved goodbye.

I was leaving my old life behind to begin my own healing process. I was beginning my own journey to learn how to spread my wings and fly again. Small short flights at first, as the pain held me back. But with time and nourishment much longer and higher flights. I am not yet soaring above the power lines, but I will.

Wednesday's Recipe - Loose Meat

2012-01-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

Loose Meat aka Barbeque Beef

I have used thisrecipe countless times over the years to feed a crowd. I threw TJ a huge40th birthday party with close to 100 people and this was what I served. Ispent 3 days cooking so I would have enough and turned out there was nothingleftover. When TJ and I would have guys over to help with a building projectthey always requested I make this recipe for them. I have served this to theguys at hunt camp after a long day of hunting (yes, at times I wouldstay back and play camp cook). It is perfect for gatherings where everyoneserves themselves.

3 Pounds Boneless Beef Chuck

1 1/2 Cups Ketchup

2 Tablespoons Dijon Mustard

1/4 Cup Brown Sugar

1/4 Cup Red Wine Vinegar

2 Tablespoons WorcestershireSauce

1 Teaspoon Liquid Smoke

1/2 Teaspoon Salt

1/4 Teaspoon Pepper

1/4 Teaspoon Garlic Powder

Place chuckroast in crock pot. Combine remaining ingredients in mixing bowl. Pour barbecuesauce mixture over chuck roast. Cover and cook on Low 8 to 10 hours or 4 to 5hours on High.

Remove chuckroast from crock pot and shred meat. Place shredded meat back in crock pot.Stir meat to evenly coat with sauce. Spoon meat onto sandwich buns and top withadditional barbecue sauce if desired.

Enjoy!

Can Friendship Last Forever?

2012-01-17T00:00:00.000-07:00

The friends I am closest to have been my friends for years. Recent research shows that people replace about half of their closest friends every seven years! The definitely does not apply to me. I am very selective when it comes to letting people into my "inner circle". I have to know that they will be there for me forever and unconditionally. I have come to realize that I am basically not trusting of people in general and they must prove to me I can allow them in. I am often very closed with my emotions and feelings (in person at least, on here I lay it all on the line). Throughout my life I have been blessed with some friendships that I believe will last forever.

I met Terry my freshman year of college. He was head over heels for my girlfriend and she was difficult, to say the least. We became friends through our discussions about her. Today he is one of my dearest friends. He has always been there for me and he was the only person who ever stood up to my Father when he would treat me poorly. My Dad quickly learned to not talk down to me in Terry's presence as he would not tolerate it. Over the years Terry has never missed my birthday! I always get a phone call, text, or email from him to say happy birthday. While we live thousands of mile apart, I know if I truly needed him he would jump on a plane and be here for me. Thanks Ter, I love you!

Bob, aka Bad Bob, I met while working at Grand Canyon National Park. I spent 5 years working at the park and loved every minute of it. Bob and I worked in the maintenance department together. While we both had significant others we still managed to spend one weekend day together exploring the Kaibab National Forest. Over the years we lost and regained contact many times, always picking up right where we left off. After TJ died and I bought the new house I was speaking on the phone with Bob's girlfriend about how I think with the new house I may have bitten off more than I could chew as far as remodeling goes. She suggested that Bob (she called him my brother) fly out to help me as he was unemployed at the time anyway. She handed the phone to Bob and without hesitation he said he would happily come help me. Bob came out for 3 weeks and did nothing but work on my new house the whole time he was here. That, my friends, is true friendship! He expected nothing in return as he was here just to help his friend. Bob and I will be friends forever, I am sure of it.

I could go on and on with my special friendships: Ed, he went to high school with my ex-husband and now we live within a mile of each other; my sister (Alberta), we have never had a period where we didn't speak and I truly love her; my brother (Mark), we are not in constant communication but I know he is there for me; my first boyfriend (Greg), we have a truly unique friendship that has lasted throughout the years; my best friend from high school (Mary) we only reconnected recently and you can read about our friendship here.

Now I have my bloggy and twitter friends, some I have met in person and some I have not. Regardless of meeting in person, many have become very special friends to me. I have my local IRL friends that have supported me in person the over last few years. I am sure if I were to rewrite this 10 years from now some of these people would be included.

Take a moment to think about your "forever" friends. Friendship for life - what a great concept!

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

2012-01-12T16:36:00.001-07:00

I AM HEALED!!!!!!

Yesterday I had an appointment with my Physical Therapist as well as my Pain Management Doctor. They both released me from treatment. My truck accident was on June 2, 2011 so after six long months of recovery I am finally healed. Well, healed with conditions of course..... I was given a 6 month supply of the pain creme I use since I still wake up every morning with a sore neck and I was told to be careful for the next year. But no more appointments. While I loved both my doc and therapist I am happy to not have to see them again. EVER...hopefully.

In light of this I am declaring 2012 to be a year of NO DRAMA for me. I have not had a drama free year since 2008 and I am due for one. Needless to say I am absolutely thrilled about having an entire good year so please wish me luck, cross your fingers, cross your toes, pray....do whatever it is that you think will help.

Wednesday's Recipe

2012-01-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

VEGETABLE DIP

This week's recipe is a quick, easy and a delicious way to eat more vegetables. I love most all vegetables and eating them raw ensures more nutrition. I have made this dip for many pitch-ins and it has always been a hit.

2/3 Cup Sour Cream
2/3 Cup Mayo
1 Teaspoon Accent
1 Teaspoon Seasoned Salt
1 Teaspoon Dillweed
1 Tablespoon Parsley
1 Teaspoon Onion, Dried
3 Drops Tabasco Sauce
3 Drops Worcestershire Sauce
Sprinkle Garlic Powder

Mix together and refrigerate overnight for flavors to meld together.

Enjoy!

One of My Favorite Movies - "Always"

2012-01-10T00:01:00.000-07:00

I am not a movie person at all. TV/movies bore me and put me to sleep. Fact is, I haven't been to a movie theater since high school and, well, we all know the main reason I went then. While there have been many times that I have begun watching a movie there are very few that I actually stayed awake long enough to see the ending. The movie Always is one that manages to keep my attention.

Always was released in 1989 and was not a big blockbuster even though it was produced and directed by Steven Spielberg. It starred Richard Dreyfuss, Holly Hunter, John Goodman, Brad Johnson and Audrey Hepburn. Always is a remake of the 1943 drama A Guy Name Joe. Both Dreyfuss and Spielberg were fans of the 1943 movie and talked about doing a remake of it during the filming of Jaws in 1974. I have read somewhere that A Guy Named Joe is what inspired Spielberg to become a movie director.

The basic plot is about a firefighter pilot that returns to earth after being killed in a fire to help his girlfriend fall for another pilot and get on with her life. To me it is similar to the movie Ghost that was released at a later date.

I was originally drawn to the movie because it is about wildfires. I had just left a 5 year stint at Grand Canyon National Park and moved to Indiana. I had numerous friends while living at the canyon that were firefighters. I was able to liken the various personalities in the movie to friends. I even related to the sense of loss the entire firefighting community feels when they lose one of their own.

Now, all these years later, the movie has a different meaning to me. I now relate to the loss Holly Hunter (Dorinda) feels. I understand her deep grief. I understand her ability to not "move on" to a new relationship even though she has met someone she is interested in. I understand the scenes where she "feels" Richard Dreyfuss (Pete) in her presence.

Most of all, I truly understand loss now. I didn't when I first watched this movie and fell in love with it. My life was easy and carefree then. My life had not yet been shattered by loss and I had no idea what the future was to hold for me. Always is a movie that has touched me for many, many years. If you have the opportunity to watch it please do. It may just touch you also.

Something Different: Wednesday's Recipe

2012-01-04T00:05:00.000-07:00

I haven't been a widow all my life....SURPRISE! I actually used to cook daily for a family of 5; myself, TJ, his 2 kids and my Dad. I enjoyed our family dinners together every night. TJ liked to cook also and was good at it so we created lots of our own recipes together. I have decided to begin posting a weekly recipe on Wednesdays. Some will be old family recipes and some will be the recipes that TJ and I created together.

I am beginning with a recipe that I promised to email to Lisa over at Two Bears Farm quite some time ago. She had been gracious enough to share a couple recipes with me, but I failed when it came my time to pass on a recipe she asked for. Sorry Lisa. She has a wonderful blog and adorable children so please check it out.

Even though we are in the 70's this week I still enjoy soups and hearty stews in the winter and this is the perfect cold weather meal.

Cuban Slow Cooker Steak

1 small onion thinly sliced

1/2 small red bell pepper thinly sliced

1/2 small green bell pepper thinly sliced

1/2 lb. sirloin steak cut in 2 pieces

2 teaspoons chili powder

1/4 teaspoon dried oregano

1/2 teaspoon minced garlic

1/4 teaspoon salt

2 teaspoons lime juice

1/4 cup beef broth

1 - 15 oz can black beans

Spray a 2 quart slow cooker with cooking spray. Put in onions and peppers and top with beef. Sprinkle with chili powder, oregano, garlic and salt. Drizzle with lime juice and add beef broth. Cover and cook on low for 6 to 8 hours. Remove beef from cooker and shred with forks. Return to cooker and mix well. Stir in the black beans and increase to High. Cover and cook about 5 minutes longer or until beans are completely heated.

This is great served over rice or wrapped in tortillas or just eaten as is.

I hope you will check back next Wednesday to get another new recipe and if you try this one please let me know what you think of it.

ENJOY!!

2011 A Year In Review

2012-01-02T10:24:00.000-07:00

Every year that TJ and I were together we would sit down at the end of the year and discuss our accomplishments, our failures and our plans for the following year. In business they call it "strategic planning", in a relationship I called it "crazy". I often complained to my friends that we ran our relationship like a business. As much as I complained about it, I loved it. If something would come up unexpected we would always say, "maybe next year, we will see". Obviously our 2009 didn't go as planned one bit since TJ's diagnosis was in March of that year. Our plans and dreams for the year got pushed overboard, never to be seen again. As a result I have been living day by day since the beginning of 2009 and frankly it is driving me nuts. My usual extremely organized life is now lived in complete disarray.

I spent some time yesterday outlining my plans and goals for 2012. I don't make resolutions, I make a plan and set realistic goals. I feel like I can finally get a handle on my life. The big projects in my house are basically complete and I can focus on living and not remodeling. As I was thinking about 2011 I realized there were a few significant events in my life in 2011.

MARCH

In March I found a little white Jack Russell Terrier puppy roaming the parking lot at work. It was a Friday and I just couldn't stand the thought of leaving him there all weekend so I brought him home with me. Tater Tot, as you all know him, turned out to be a huge blessing in my life. I didn't realize it at the time but I really needed the laughter that a puppy brings to a home.

JUNE

On my way home from work on June 2 I was broadsided by a red light runner. My truck rolled twice and while I had some injuries, I basically walked away. I loved my now totaled truck, but I reminded myself that it is just a material object and can be replaced. Every time I see the pictures I count my blessings that I wasn't seriously injured or even killed.

AUGUST

Of course I could not make it through an entire calendar year without death being a part of it. On August 4th I had to put TJ's dog, Shiner, down. Totaling my truck now paled in comparison to losing Shiner. TJ and Shiner were the best of buddies and I saw a little bit of TJ whenever I looked at Shiner. I still miss Shiner very much. For those that say, "he was just a dog", obviously never met Shiner, he was special and anyone that dog crossed paths with will agree.

OCTOBER

On the 25th of this month I "celebrated" 2 years of TJ being gone. I got a tattoo with his ashes mixed into the ink. This was a huge turning point for me and one of the best things I had done since losing TJ.

NOVEMBER

My sister, brother, sister-in-law and I went to the Saguaro National Forest and spread Mom's ashes. Mom is finally where she wanted her final resting place to be.

When compared to 2009 and 2010 I have to say that 2011 wasn't all that bad. So I say BRING ON 2012. It will be an even better year, I am sure of it.

Happy New Year to all and may 2012 be the year you see at least one of your dreams come true!

When Kind Words Are Spoken

2011-12-18T11:12:00.001-07:00

This year instead of exchanging gifts, my girlfriends and I decided to adopt a family for Christmas. Once everyone was on board with this idea I called Project Help.

Project Help is a local organization that helps families with school aged children. A family that receives help is encouraged to give back through community service. I was introduced to this organization quite a few years ago when we were contacted by a friend whose family had received help and he asked TJ to put a crew together to frame a new building for Project Help and to please set the trusses on the building.....all for free of course. For those that don't know, TJ & I owned a crane service for 11 years and before that TJ was a framing superintendent for a local construction company. TJ, of course, was more than willing to help out. He made phone calls and within 48 hours had a crew willing to do the work. The day of the build we showed up with a full framing crew and one of our cranes. TJ ran the crew and set the trusses. In a matter of hours the building was up and dried in. The director was thrilled with the work that was done in such a short amount of time.

When I called Project Help last week I was told they had already adopted all their families out for Christmas. I was thrilled that all were taken care of but disappointed we did not have a family to adopt. I asked if there was another way we could help and was told they really needed hams and gifts for teenagers. It seems many do toy drives to help out but teens tend to be a forgotten group at Christmas. I had no idea what to buy for teens and she told me they prefer gift cards so they can pick out their own clothes. I was given names of several stores where teens like to shop. I called the girls and it was unanimous.....hams and gift cards. We got together on a Sunday and were able to purchase 8 hams and over $400 in gift cards, most in $25 increments. After shopping we went for a nice lunch. Everyone was happy with what we did and agreed that next year we would do the same thing.

During one of my conversations with the lady at Project Help I mentioned that my husband had helped frame and set the trusses on the building they are in. She said, "Are you Sandy with Apache Crane!" I informed her that yes I was and she proceeded to sing the praises of TJ, even remembering his name. She told me how grateful she was for his help and all the guys he brought with him to work. She remembered how he smiled the whole time he was there working and actually seemed happy to be working for free on a Saturday. As she went on and on about that day and what a wonderful and generous man TJ was my eyes were filling with tears. I knew she didn't know that he had died and hearing her speak so highly of him was simply heartwarming. She ended by asking me "How is he doing?". I paused. I had a huge lump in my throat. I told her that he passed away 2 years ago. She gave her condolences and I changed the subject.

Listening to her talk about TJ was the best Christmas gift for me. He only crossed paths with this woman one day and yet he left a lasting impression. Many friends will tell TJ stories and speak highly of him, but hearing her words about a brief encounter with him was the most precious gift ever.

So many of us tend to get caught up in the gift giving of Christmas and forget what truly matters. This year, be kinder to one another and talk fondly of those we have lost and will not grace our holiday tables. Sometimes a kind word spoken can be the most wonderful gift of all.

Life Gets In The Way

2011-12-04T15:27:00.001-07:00

Sometimes life just gets in the way of things. In my case it got in the way of my blogging. I have missed reading blogs and obviously I haven't written any in over a month. So, here is what has been happening over the last month.

My brother and his wife visited for a week in the beginning of November. They, along with my sister and I drove to Tucson to spread my Mom's ashes (she passed July 28, 2010). Mom always had a fascination with the Saguaro cactus we have in Arizona and years ago requested that her ashes be spread in the Saguaro National Park.

My brother Mark, my sister Alberta and my sister in-law Sandra

We spread Mom's ashes at the base of these two cacti

Just like last year I hosted Thanksgiving at my house for my friends. We had a wonderful day and as usual the food was fantastic.

Through all this I have been working on the house again....finally. I have painted some walls and am in the process of refinishing my first piece of furniture. I plan to post some house pictures at a later date.

I have always been one of those people who put up their Christmas tree on Thanksgiving weekend. I primarily do it that weekend because it is a long weekend and I have the time. On Saturday after Thanksgiving I began getting my Christmas stuff out of the storage shed. I have a HUGE artificial Christmas tree and as I was dragging it toward the house I slipped and fell. I caught myself stiff armed and I felt the pain shoot through my arm. I thought I had just over extended my elbow and it made the rest of the day fairly painful to put up the holiday decorations. On Monday I found out I had a hairline fracture....no wonder it hurt so darn bad! I chose not to have it cast and I am just being careful while it heals. As of today it has been over a week and it is still slightly swollen, I have limited mobility in my elbow and the pain keeps me awake at night. It is getting better though.

I have a huge owl living in my yard. While he is a wonderful sight to see. I am concerned for Tater Tot. I think he just might be small enough that the owl is watching him as a potential meal. I now make sure I am outside at all times with Tater Tot. I caught this photo of him a couple of weeks ago. Please click on it to enlarge so you can better see him,

Watch out Tater! You are being watched!

And lastly, just to give you a smile, I want to share a very odd picture my sister took of Tater Tot while she was staying with me. I know it is just the angle of the photo but when I see it I have to laugh and I hope you all get a chuckle out of it also!

Double Infinity

2011-10-28T09:43:00.001-07:00

Tuesday, October 25th was the 2nd anniversary of TJ's death. I have been waiting for that particular day for some time as I had made plans a while back for what I wanted to do. Since his death I have memorialized him many times by donating to different cancer charities in his name. That is something I will probably continue to do, but with less frequency. I am a firm believer in charity and recently have found some other charities I would like to support. I don't want the rest of my life to be about cancer and what it took from me.

I decided to do something for me on Tuesday. It ensures that TJ will forever be with me. It also shows that I am alive and I intend to live the rest of my life to the fullest.

Double Infinity

The black infinity symbol has TJ's ashes mixed with it and being black symbolizes death and the end of his life, although I will love him and carry him in my heart for infinity.

The lavender infinity is for me. It symbolizes growth, my life and my future.

I chose my wrist so when things get tough, as I know they will, I can put my wrist across my heart and know TJ is with me.

If we take eternity to mean not infinite temporal duration but timelessness, then eternal life belongs to those who live in the present." ~ Ludwig Wittgenstein

Two Years Ago Today

2011-10-25T01:00:00.000-07:00

Wow! Just. Wow. I can hardly believe it has been 2 years since TJ died. There are times when it seems like just yesterday, but mostly it seems like my life with TJ is so far, far in the past. Yes, I think of him often. He didn't deserve the hand he was dealt. He was too young to lose his life to cancer. He was a good man and deserved to live a long and healthy life. I miss him. I will miss him every day for the rest of my life.

The fact is though....I am not the one who died and I needed to continue on and have a happy life. It took me a while to reach that point without a doubt. I always believed it, but I wasn't living it. I had a lot happen in my life after he died. I couldn't afford our home on my own so I had to move, I had to put one of our dogs down, my Mom died, I was in a horrible truck accident, and the hardest thing was that I had to put his dog, Shiner, down. Yes, it has been a tough 2 years, but in my opinion I have kicked ass!

I told people in the beginning, "It is all about me now!" No more compromising, I do what I want to do, with whom I want to do it. I have embraced being single. I love it! I do date, but I keep them at a distance. I have been seeing a guy since July and we have an agreement that we only see each other every other week. Sometimes even that is too much for me. I like the freedom that being single brings with it. I am truly enjoying working on projects around my house on the weekends. I even impress myself with what I am able to accomplish on my own.

When I bought my house I got one with a pool. TJ never wanted a pool. I also now have a fireplace that I love. TJ & I didn't have a fireplace in our home. I put pink in my bedroom and master bath. Something TJ would never have tolerated. Most recently, I put a RED vanity top in my master bath. I have always loved and wanted a red top but TJ always put his foot down.

So, today, I am celebrating and not bemoaning that TJ has been gone 2 years. I am celebrating ME. I am celebrating that I can do this and I can do it well. I am celebrating how far I have come and my new plans for the future. I do have a future. A future full of life and love. I am not just living, I am thriving!

Am I tooting my own horn? Hell yes I am! My life changed dramatically and forever when I lost TJ. It is not always puppies and ice cream but it is pretty darn good. Even when it isn't good, I have learned to hunker down and wait for the storm to pass. Storms always pass, and when they do the sun comes out. Sometimes there is even a rainbow after the storm.

It's not the strongest that survive, nor the most intelligent....it's the one most adaptable to change. ~ Darwin

I have spoken with a friend, fellow widow and blogger about how I feel about the anniversary of TJ's death and this is what she had to say http://crazywidow.info/?p=3761 .

Normal

2011-10-18T18:38:00.001-07:00

I think I have turned a corner in adjusting to my "new normal". This might have happened in part due to the fact that I am finally feeling significantly less pain from my accident. I also think time has a lot to do with it. Frankly, I am not sure exactly what the trigger was and at this point I don't care. What I do know is that I am happy and for now that is all that matters.

In the beginning, I felt powerless to let go of the the life TJ and I shared. I felt as though I needed to carry it with me forever. I let it dictate my daily life, at least on some level. By doing this I was stuck and as I have said before, I am tired of being stuck and it is time for me to let go and be free again. I know this isn't as easy as it sounds but it is a choice I have to make for myself.

I was overwhelmed with options for my future and I have weeded many of them out. I found I was reading too much into the future, yet still dwelling on the past. I will never have what I had with TJ; the good and the bad. I am capable though, of having a beautiful day today and a beautiful tomorrow. To me, this means letting go of who I have been and do something differently.

There is no such thing as "normal" and there is not a specific way I "should" be or anything I am "supposed" to do. It is up to me to determine what will make my life meaningful and joyful. I have to walk the path that is right for me. Most importantly I believe I have discovered that path. At this point it is more like an unmaintained trail but I know it will lead me to something great and wonderful.

"No matter how hard the past, you can always begin again." ~ Buddha

Stop And Smell The Roses

2011-10-12T09:39:00.001-07:00

Even though the title is cliche and many of us hear it from time to time, I am going to guess that the majority of us don't actually do it. I know I don't or at least I haven't in the past.

Last week I took Thursday and Friday off work to get some home improvement projects done around the house and clean out and organize my garage. On my way home from work on Wednesday I stopped and got all the materials I would need for the weekend so I wouldn't have to take the time to drive to town for anything. Once home I made a list of all the projects I wanted to complete and divided them into 3 days; planning to rest on Sunday. I packed the majority of the projects into Thursday and Friday. My plan was to work 12 to 16 hour days on both of those days and then have a light day on Saturday.

By Saturday morning I was completely exhausted. I had managed to stick to my schedule by working feverishly. While I somewhat enjoyed accomplishing things it was mostly about sticking to my schedule. The first thing on my list for Saturday morning was to repair the goat pen fence. As I was drinking coffee I was getting worked up knowing this was a time consuming project, but one that really needed to get done. I was cursing the fact that it was going to take up so much of my morning.

As I was sitting uncomfortably on rocks, surrounded by goat poo and chasing the girls away from my tools I looked up and realized the sun had just popped over the top of the Superstition Mountains. What a beautiful sight, I thought to myself. I paused for a few minutes to enjoy the beauty of the mountain that made me fall in love with Arizona back in the early 80's. I smiled. I remembered how much TJ loved those mountains also. I smiled again. I went back to fixing fence. A bit later I heard some rustling coming from the wash that runs through my property. It was a group of coyotes. I paused as they passed a mere 15 feet from me, looking at me warily. I then watched them wander off into the desert. I smiled again. It wasn't long before a covey of quail ran by cooing ever so softly and then a very small rabbit hopped up and just stared at me. I once again paused and focused on his deep eyes and his soft fur. Before I knew it I was done fixing fence. One more time I paused and looked around me. I thought about how lucky I am to live where I live. I thought about how grateful I am and how many things I have to be grateful for. I said out loud "I have a pretty damn good life!"

Yes, it took me longer to fix the fence than I had anticipated, but it was worth it. Down the road I won't remember that I fixed the fence in my self imposed time frame. I will remember the sun coming over the Superstitions, the coyotes and the other wildlife that stopped by. The rest of my Saturday was better for it.

"Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace." ~ Joan Borysenko

When Two Worlds Collide

2011-09-27T09:58:00.001-07:00

I have never been a total girly girl. Yes, I do get my nails done every other week and I get pedicures in the summer. I can hardly pass on a smokin' hot pair of spike heels and VictoriasSecret.com is my favorite place to shop.

But I am also comfortable in an old pair of blue jeans, boots, a flannel shirt and hanging out by a campfire in the middle of nowhere. I love taking care of my mules, goats and dogs. I am not afraid to tackle just about any home improvement project on my own. I have made more than my fair share of mistakes, but I always get it done....eventually.

As most of you are aware, the home I purchased after TJ died was a repossession and it wasn't in the best of shape. I have been working on it for over a year now, although I did take about 6 months off because I was just tired of it and my attitude was getting bad. But, as of last weekend I think I got my "remodeling mojo" back! I have a rejuvenated sense of "I can do this and I can do it well"! I am even looking forward to tackling the yard. I have been looking at it for quite a while now and finally have a plan. The expense will be minimal since I intend to do it myself, but the payoff will be huge when it is done. I have 1.5 acres with lots of trees. Yards with large mature trees are not all that common in Arizona and why I bought a house with trees I will never know. The trees had me intimidated at first, but no longer, I am slowly whipping them into shape.

I thought today I would share with you two of my purchases the last couple of weeks. It truly is "two worlds colliding".

Yesterday I stopped at Home Depot on my way home from work. Which, in my opinion, that store rivals Victoria's Secret, just on a different level. I bought this and I could not be more excited about my purchase! Also, they were running a 12 months same as cash if I put it on my Home Depot credit card. I love doing that just because credit card companies stick it to consumers so frequently that I enjoy using their money for a change.

6 gallon, 150 psi air compressor

18 Ga. Narrow Crown Stapler

1-3/8" Brad Nailer

16 Ga. 1" - 2 1/2" Finish Nailer

A few weeks ago I stopped into a store after my nail appointment and saw these shoes on clearance. Strappy with a heel....my name written all over it! Love them!

Sometimes two worlds do collide out of necessity. I am happy in both and would not want to spend 100% of my time in either. We all need variety in our lives.

“Not on one strand are all life's jewels strung.” ~ William Morris

Self Doubt

2011-09-19T18:43:00.000-07:00

As I begin to think about and write down my goals and plans for my future, as I promised myself for my birthday, I am finding that I doubt myself. This is new to me as I never doubted myself in the past. I may not have always made the right decisions, but the decisions I made were not without conviction. That has all changed now. I find that as I think of future plans and goals I wonder if I can really achieve them. I know now why I have been stuck at this fork in the road for almost 2 years. I am paralyzed because of self doubt.

I doubt my knowledge. Do I really know enough to let go of my past? Can I make good choices now that I am so afraid of what the future might hold? Are my instincts what they used to be? I don't know the answer to these questions and that is why I am still here. Still standing at the fork in the road, still stagnant, and doubtful as to which route to take. I find it easier to not choose at all. In my heart I know that there is no such thing as a "wrong" choice. At this point the only "wrong" choice I can make is no choice at all.

Somewhere inside of me is the will to choose a path. I know I can and I know I will. I may not know the answers today, but they are within me. All I need to do is step back, look at my life objectively and take that single bold step in the direction of my future. I will no longer give power to my self doubt.

My Upcoming Birthday

2011-09-14T21:15:00.000-07:00

My birthday is Saturday.

This will be my second birthday without TJ. The fact that I will be celebrating my birthday without TJ doesn't bother me as much as the fact that I take note that it is my second birthday without TJ. When will this counting stop! Every major and even minor holiday I think of TJ and how many he has not been here for. This is common among widows/widowers. We even have a made up name for some of the more specific dates, "sadiversary". I really don't want to think like that....always counting. Who wants to celebrate a sadiversary? I don't and frankly I am quite tired of them.

When TJ died I never questioned whether or not I "could do this". The question I asked myself was "Do I want to do this?" From the very beginning I said "Yes!" Not only can I do it, but I want to do it well. In good times we all grow and thrive, it is not until things get tough that we truly learn what we have inside of us. TJ's death is a part of my life now. It is but a single chapter in my life. My life that is composed of many, many chapters. Many past chapters and many more to come. We never stay the same person, we change as we grow older and it is the things that happen to us that make up the story of our life. In my years with TJ he made me a better woman. When I am sad or unsure, I simply see myself through TJ's eyes. In his eyes I can do anything.

TJ and I had a plan. I don't have a plan. TJ's death left me at a fork in the road, not knowing which path to take. I am still standing at the fork weighing all my options. I try to not spend too much time worrying about which fork to travel because I am afraid of missing happy times. So, here I stand, not moving forward. I am stagnant. There are no ripples in my pond of life, just stagnant water. Stagnant water stinks and being stuck at this fork is getting old...just like counting the sadiversaries. Alone or not I must walk ahead.

My birthday present to myself is to chose a path, to set some goals, to make some plans. Nobody is going to do it for me; they can't. This is going to be a very difficult task because when I think of life goals I only think of the goals we had. Some may still be obtainable, albeit alone. Others though are dead, they died right along side TJ. Our dreams and goals are no longer achievable. I have to focus on my dreams and goals. Dreams and goals that I can achieve on my own. They must be mine and all mine.

A very good friend recently said to me, "The miracle ain't the life you missed Sandy; it's the life you got!"

Labor Day Party

2011-09-13T09:30:00.001-07:00

Because of the accident I have barely used my pool all summer. It is just too uncomfortable for me to be on a raft or any of my pool furniture. So, before summer slipped away I decided I better have a pool party with a few friends. I made a few calls and we decided on Sunday the 4th. It turned out to be a beautiful day with a high of only 107. We had been having a few weeks of very hot weather so 107 was a welcome change for us.

(CLICK ON PICTURES TO ENLARGE)

Tater Tot has become obsessed with the waterfall. If it isn't on when he goes outside he will stand on it and bark at me!

Since he really enjoys his time outside it is good that he has a place to cool off.

"The girls" hanging out and ~~gossiping~~ sharing recipes.

Dave chose to hang at the other end of the pool to get away from the girls I think.

It was Annie's birthday so we celebrated with an Oreo ice cream cake.

Medical Update: My physical therapy is now once a week and my doctor's office has taken it over. I am hoping that this makes the healing process go faster. My doctor prescribed for me some pain relieving cream made by a compounding pharmacy out of Alabama. OMG! This stuff is absolutely amazing! While talking to my doctor about it yesterday he commented that it was the first time he had seen me smile since June. I realize the cream is not healing, it is simply a pain reliever, but to have greatly reduced pain for a few hours is huge to me right now.

Jury Duty

2011-08-23T19:10:00.002-07:00

Yesterday I was summoned for Jury Duty. While, I wasn't thrilled to be going, I took the day off work to perform my civic duty. Turned out there were approximately 50 to 60 of us there. I found that to be an unusually large number. After a brief orientation we were all directed to an upstairs courtroom wherein was the Judge, Prosecutor, Defense Lawyer and the Defendant. The Defendant was a fairly young man and just above his collared shirt I could see he had some sort of tattoo on his neck. I am not against tattoos, I just think on your neck is a little extreme and, yes, in my preconceived notion, indicates trouble. The Judge read the synopsis of the case. It was a murder case. This young man was accused of murdering another man.

My mind began to wonder. How old was the man he allegedly murdered? Was the murder victim married? Is there as widow hoping and praying for some sort of justice? Although, I know justice will not stop her pain or the grief she is feeling. Did the victim leave behind children? Did the victim have siblings who are now grieving the loss of their brother? Are the victims parents still alive and if so, how awful for them to have to bury their son.

I then looked at the Defendant and thought how could you? Did you not realize the pain and grief you would inflict on so many people? What about the daughter that won't have her father to give her away at her wedding or the elderly parent who won't have their son to help them as they age? What about the sibling who will forever be changed by the death of their brother. The widow. I couldn't get the thought of another widow, forever changed, and struggling to once again gain just a pebble of normalcy to her life. I was disgusted by the sight of him there in dress slacks, dress shirt and tie; a style of clothing I was sure he had never worn in his life.

My thoughts were interrupted by the Judge saying they had preselected 27 jurors, and of those 16 would be hearing the case. He began calling names and one by one they were directed to the juror box to be seated. "Juror #4, Sandra Webb." Oh hell! They obviously don't know what has been going through my head. I had already convicted this "kid". I was already sympathetic to the victim's family. Rather, the family that I had created in my head.

I must say that I believe in our justice system. I believe everyone deserves a fair trial by a jury of their peers. It pains me when I hear of people wrongly accused and convicted only to, years later, be found not guilty. Although, I felt like I was not his peer nor was I in a place to be fair and without bias in this case. When the judge questioned me I explained to him my physical therapy schedule and there was no way I could be to court on time on my therapy days. I was dismissed. I was pleased I did not have to explain the thoughts in my head in order to be dismissed.

While I have no doubt that everyone brings their own baggage to a trial, I do wonder how many can actually be impartial and take only the evidence presented into account. Could you set aside your first impressions and your life experiences to be completely impartial?

Justice cannot be for one side alone, but must be for both. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

How Are You? Are You Doing OK?

2011-08-10T11:28:00.001-07:00

I hear those questions daily, actually many times a day it seems. I don't hear them in the usual small talk, passing conversation way. When I hear them there is pity in the voices. Sometimes it is with genuine concern and I appreciate that. It is the ones that ask with pity and really don't want to know that bother me. It is when they ask because they feel it is the right thing to say, but after asking either move on to something else very quickly or mentally shrink away hoping I say nothing more than "I am fine".

In order to protect my friends and family I always answer, "I am fine". It is easier for me and easier for them. It is not a lie every time I answer that way, sometimes I am "fine". If I am not fine I generally don't want to talk about why. If I don't talk about my problems it is much safer for me. By not talking I don't reveal my vulnerabilities and it keeps people at a distance, it keeps them from getting too close to me. I do have a selected few friends that I confide in and I value their friendship deeply.

I am really a very private person. This doesn't mean I am not social. I love getting together with my friends. I spend a large part of my day socializing on twitter. I enjoy my Wednesday dinner out with the girls and as much as I hate to admit it, I love hearing the gossip. I am not a gossiper myself, but I am a listener. I can listen to people talk for hours. I will join in the conversation, but my preference is listening. If one truly listens to people talk you will learn many things about that person.

I think this is what attracts me to blogging. I can put my thoughts, feelings, ideas out for everyone to see without having to discuss it. I get positive feedback through comments here or on Twitter and I am sure there have been some who come to visit and click off because they don't like what I have to say and I am good with that. If we all agreed what a boring place this world would be.

So next time you ask me how I am doing and my answer is "Fine" I may or may not be telling the truth. Often times the true answer can be found in my blog or my twitter timeline. With me, instead of listening closely you just might need to read between the lines. The answer is here.

RIP Shiner

2011-08-07T18:04:00.000-07:00

Late Friday night after not eating his dinner Shiner became very ill. This was somewhat common for him and at first I wasn't concerned. I watched him for a bit and got him to eat a scrambled egg, which usually helped. This time it didn't help and he got worse. Around 9:00 p.m. I decided to take him to the 24 hour emergency vet. The moment I got him out of the truck at the vet's office he had a Grand Mal seizure. I ran into the vet office and screamed for help, immediately there were 4 people at my truck and they quickly scooped Shiner up and ran him into an exam room. I stayed out front to fill out paperwork. They gave him medication to stop the seizure and a muscle relaxer. The vet suggested blood work and that he stay overnight in the event of another seizure. I agreed, but my concern was that once I left I would not see him alive again. I said my goodbyes to him just in case and headed home knowing that he was in good hands in the event of more seizures.

I had not been home for 30 minutes when the vet called. She had the result of his blood work. I really don't remember exactly what she said because as she was explaining his ailment I was quickly coming to the realization that I would be putting him down. It wasn't diabetes but it did have something to do with his blood sugar, pancreas and his brain. His blood sugar drops so low, so quickly that it affects his brain and causes seizures. In order to stop the seizures he would have to be fed every hour around the clock and even then he might still have seizures. With his history of being a picky eater and just not caring much about food I knew that was impossible. Not to mention the fact that I could NEVER be away from him for more than an hour, or sleep for more than an hour at a time at night. I stopped her before she finished the explanation and said "So, I really should just put him down?" she said, "That would be the humane thing to do". I got back in my truck and headed back to the vet.

I knew losing Shiner was going to be hard on me. He was TJ's first dog, other than family dogs, and they were inseparable. TJ took him to work with him every day and during TJ's illness Shiner barely left his side. He was even by TJ's side when he passed. Every time I looked at Shiner I saw a little bit of TJ in him. It was like losing TJ all over again.

I would be remiss if I didn't thank my twitter friend and fellow widow, Boo, for being there with me (in spirit at least). She may be in the UK, but I felt as though she was right there with me the whole time.

For those that aren't familiar with the breed, Shiner was an Australian Cattle Dog, also called Queensland Heeler. They are very popular in the western United States. They are generally either Red Heelers or Blue Heelers, but Shiner was what they called Tri-Color, which is very unique. TJ did such a great job of training him we could take him anywhere. He got to go in restaurants, bars, hardware stores and various other places. Very rarely did we go out of town without Shiner.

Once, when TJ had gone on our roof to repair something Shiner literally climbed a ladder to be up there with him. I had turned my back and didn't see it, but I did hear TJ yelling, "Sandy! Why the hell is Shiner up here with me!?" Getting him down proved to be quite difficult as he was scared. I sure wish I would have seen him climb that ladder.

Rest In Peace Shiner. I will miss you more than anyone knows.

No louder shrieks to pitying heaven are cast, when husbands or lap-dogs breathe their last. ~ Alexander Pope

Living Alone

2011-07-31T14:34:00.008-07:00

Often people ask me if I am OK living alone. This surprises me, as I really don't think about it much until I am asked the question. I have always been one that enjoyed my alone time. In the past I would look forward to TJ going away on a hunting trip without me. Sure, I missed him as I was used to him being around, but the time away from each other was good for the both of us. So, my answer is always, "Yes, I love it".

I enjoy doing things on my schedule. I get to do what I want to do, with whom I want to do it with and when I want to do it. I no longer have to "compromise". Compromise is what good relationships are made of and while I didn't mind it with TJ, I sure don't miss it. I tell people, "it is all about me now". I say yes to the things I want to do and no to those things I do not want to do. Other than those first few months after TJ's passing I don't feel lonely. I miss TJ, yes, but I would not say I am lonely. I have a very strong network of friends and there is always something to do should I choose.

I enjoy planning weekends to just stay home and do chores and/or projects around the house. To complete a project on my own is very rewarding and affirming that yes, I can make it without TJ. It is also on those weekends that I am able to really plan my future and set goals for myself. TJ & I pretty much had our life planned out, but now, I have to go in a different direction. I admit that I really do not have my new direction figured out completely yet, but when I am alone is when I can brainstorm different ideas.

About a year ago I started frequenting a small neighborhood coffee shop. Often stopping there on my way to work or on a Saturday morning early. In the winter it is filled with retired men waiting for their women who are next door at Curves. I tend to be very chatty with strangers (not sure if that is good or bad) and have developed a few friendships with some of the regulars in there. They know about TJ, my Mom, my dogs and just miscellaneous stuff in my life. I share my dating adventures with them and they share dating adventures with me from their younger years. This is my little place. I have yet to take any of my friends there and don't plan to in the near future. It is a separate part of my life that I enjoy immensly and I know not everyone would understand the friendships that I have developed there. So, even if I wake up on a Saturday or Sunday morning missing TJ and not wanting to be alone, I have a place to go.

Society tends to look at someone alone as pitiful. I couldn't disagree more! Alone is a choice. It is one of the many options we have about how we live our daily lives. I am sure there are many Mothers out there who would love to have the opportunity to get up on a Saturday morning and go to a coffee shop alone like I do. Alone does not equal lonely. If you are comfortable being alone then you are able to be comfortable with other people.

So yes, I really do love living alone....especially when I want to run the vacuum at 3:00 in the morning!

If you are struggling with being alone or even if you are like me and enjoy it, watch this video. It is very well said.

Struggling

2011-07-31T13:52:00.000-07:00

I have to admit that I have been struggling since the accident. For the first month I had a constant, pounding headache, I could barely turn my head and the pain in my neck and back was excruciating. It was all I could do to get to work, physical therapy and take care of my animals. I didn't feel like blogging or reading blogs. I could not even think about turning on my computer when I got home. I just wanted to lie flat and close my eyes. My attitude was bad and I tended to get angry very easily.

I was spiraling into an abyss of negative coping behaviors. I knew this, yet I could not seem to stop the descent. I was reacting with anger and lashing out at those I was closest too. I even lashed out at my physician. I blamed myself for the accident; I should have seen the car coming and been able to avoid the whole incident. I felt myself slowly slipping back into the deep depression I experienced after TJ passed. I even had feelings of dejection and wondering if I should really just give up on moving forward. Maybe it would be easier to just stop trying to get my life back on track altogether.

The thing that happened that finally got me turned around and headed back in the right direction, albeit slower than I would like, was when I lashed out at my Physician. I spewed utter drivel upon him, I knew I was being unreasonable, yet I continued. When I finally stopped he suggested I see a psychiatrist for my anger management issues. What?! I hurt, I have a headache, I have a perfectly good reason to be angry. My husband died, I had to move, my Mother died, I wrecked my truck....give me a freakin' break! My anger is justified and "NO" I will not be seeing a psychiatrist for anger management issues.

While I did not see a psychiatrist I did do some serious introspection the next few days. I realized that this high frustration level was not going to solve a darn thing and if anything it was making things worse. I really needed to focus on what I could do to speed up the healing process. I do have a choice in this. I can lie down and focus on self-victimization or I can get up and view this as another obstacle to overcome. Life is a journey and it is the obstacles that stop me from reaching my goals, but if I keep overcoming these obstacles I will eventually reach each and every one of my goals.

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~ Viktor Frankl

Just Stuff....

2011-07-05T17:30:00.000-07:00

First of all I want to apologize to those who have blogs that I normally read on a regular basis. I have been very sore from the accident and have just not felt like blogging or reading blogs. I will be back as a regular reader soon.

As an accident update, I am now in physical therapy 3 times a week. I believe it is helping a bit and the intensity of my headache is declining. Between work and physical therapy I seem to have a busy schedule.

Below are a few pictures I was going to post before the accident. (Click on the pictures to enlarge)

Tater Tot wants to be just like Shiner when he grows up.

A few of "the girls" at our fondue party.

A couple of "the men" at the fondue party.

Tater Tot and one of his many toys.

This is an Ironwood tree in my yard that is just beautiful when it is in bloom in the spring!

The best purchase I have made in a long time, a poolside bed, but the dogs think I bought it for them!

Memorial Day party I had at the house with friends.

Friends hanging out and visiting by the pool on Memorial Day.

I really have not done much of anything since the accident. I am taking it easy and trying to heal. I did have friends over for the 4th but didn't even take pictures. I was lucky to make it through the evening.

I have been jotting down blog ideas so watch out when I feel better!

Thanks to everyone who has called, text, tweeted and emailed to check on me. I appreciate the thoughts.

The Other Shoe Dropped!

2011-06-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

Remember about a month back when I did a post called "Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop"? Well.....it happened....the other shoe has dropped and let me tell you...It. Dropped. HARD!!

Thursday afternoon on my way home from work I was hit broadside by a red light runner. I estimate he was going between 50 and 60 MPH when he hit me. I ~~drive~~ drove a GMC 1500HD 4WD with oversized wheels and tires and a 6" lift. It is a rather large truck. The vehicle that hit me was a little car of some type. The impact was so hard that not only did it spin my truck, it rolled my truck 2 full times. My boss put 2 full rolls into perspective for me by saying that after the initial hit, I felt 8 additional hits! My body is telling me that it felt all 9 hits. I am extremely sore and spent the weekend just miserable. I did not go to the hospital, but because of lingering pain and a continuous headache I believe I will be seeing my doctor. When my truck came to a stop all I was concerned with was getting home to feed my animals.

I have posted some pictures I took of my truck when I went to the tow yard to retrieve my personal belongings. When I see the pictures I am grateful that I was able to walk away. I am grateful that I didn't have one of my dogs with me. I am grateful I didn't have a passenger. I am grateful for the two young men who stopped to make sure I was OK.

There was a point on Thursday evening, that I curled up in a chair and just cried. I cried because I was scared of the thought of what could have happened. I cried because I was really missing TJ to just take control and fix it all for me and I cried for my truck. I loved that truck and TJ was so happy for me when I bought it. It was not a practical truck, but it was what I had always wanted. TJ and I were at a point in our life where he encouraged me to buy it even though it wasn't practical. He told me I deserved it.

Was it the hand of God that protected me? Did TJ have his arms wrapped around me protecting me from harm? Was it just plain ole' dumb luck? I don't know what it was, but I am grateful to not have serious injuries.

WEAR YOUR SEATBELT! IT SAVED MY LIFE!

You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have ~ Unknown

Wedding Anniversay

2011-05-29T18:15:00.000-07:00

TJ and I were together for 16 years, but we were only married for the last 5 months of his life. I never saw a reason for us to marry. We were committed to each other and a piece of paper wasn't going to make a difference. But, when we were faced with his mortality all that changed. TJ in no way wanted his family to be able to take anything from me. He knew his family, including his kids, would be a problem and he wanted to ensure that they could not touch a thing we had spent so many years working for. He had wanted to marry for years and I didn't, but when he said to me, "Please marry me before I die." I just could not say no any longer.

Our friends put together a beautiful wedding for us at a friend's house with the Superstition Mountains in the background and provided all the food, table decorations and a wedding cake. My brother paid for the minister and my sister paid for a photographer. Since TJ wasn't working and going through cancer treatments we were broke, but thanks to our friends and my family we were able to have a wedding we were proud of. We were married on May 30, 2009.

This is a link to the wedding video our photographer put together for us: http://secure.smilebox.com/ecom/openTheBox?sendevent=4d5441784d7a4d334d5456384d6a41324d6a55324d7a6b3d0d0a&sb=1

Neither TJ nor I are religious so we opted for a non traditional "minister" as well as a non traditional ceremony. Most importatly, we did not want to say "until death do we part". We already knew that was going to happen.

Happy Anniversary TJ. I will always love you and will forever carry you in my heart.

Wedding Ceremony:

On behalf of Sandy and TJ, I'd like to welcome you all and thank you for being here to share in this happy occasion.

A wedding ceremony is an outward form. To be true, it must be a symbol of something inner and real: a sacred personal union which nature might mirror, a church can solemnize, or a state may declare legal for some, but which only love can create and mutual loyalty fulfill.

To last, a marriage should be a consecration of each person to the other, and of both to the wider community of which they are a part. Because TJ and Sandy feel a great closeness and respect for all of you here, they chose each of you to witness their vows today. Marriage is an intensely personal act, but, in order for the couple's marriage to gain strength to last throughout the years, their union must be supported by their greater society of family and friends.

In this spirit, Sandy and TJ ask all of you now: do you support their marriage and accept the new partner into your life as family and a friend of your own?

Guests: We do.

Thank you all. Now, TJ and Sandy, marriage is a serious and lifelong commitment. The vows you make today should not be made lightly or without forethought. Are you prepared to enter into this solemn covenant?

Sandy and TJ: We are.

Minister: The German poet Rainer Maria Rilke wrote of marriage extensively in his letters. His words fit here:

For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation.

Marriage naturally combines the strengths and wills of two people so that, together they seem to reach farther into the future than they did before. Above all, marriage is a new task and a new seriousness -- a new demand on the strength and generosity of each partner.

Love is an opportunity for the individual to ripen, to become something in yourself, to become world, to become world in yourself for the sake of another person; it is a great, demanding claim on a person, something that chooses you and you are blessed by being a part of it.

Vows:

TJ and Sandy, as you exchange vows today; you are declaring your intent to live together in love for all your days. With this in mind,

I take you Sandy to be my wife, lover and best friend and these things I promise to you:

I will be faithful to you and honest with you,

I will respect, trust, help and care for you,

I will share my life with you

I will share with you everything that is to come throughout the rest of our lives together.

I take you TJ to be my husband, lover and best friend and these things I promise to you:

I will be faithful to you and honest with you

I will respect, trust, help and care for you

I will share my life with you

I will share with you everything that is to come throughout the rest of our lives together.

As Sandy and TJ have exchanged vows, they are not only joining together as partners, but also creating a new family, of which they will be the heart.

Rings:

May I have the rings? These rings are circles, unbroken, just as your love is unbroken and complete for each other. May the love between you grow and strengthen through all the years it would take to travel around your rings and come to their ends.

TJ: With this ring, I give you the promise that from this day forward you shall never walk alone. My heart will be your shelter; my arms will be your home. We will walk together through life as partners and best friends.

Sandy: With this ring, I give you the promise that from this day forward you shall never walk alone. My heart will be your shelter; my arms will be your home. We will walk together through life as partners and best friends.

Sandy and TJ, having witnessed your vows for marriage, and by the authority vested in me, I announce with great joy that you are husband and wife.

You may kiss your bride.

Apache Marriage Blessing:

Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be the shelter for each other. Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be the warmth for the other. Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before. Go now to your dwelling place to enter into the days of your life together. And may your days be good and long upon the earth.

Moving Forward or Letting Go

2011-05-23T19:12:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation late last night with a widower friend of mine on twitter. We started out by talking about the insomnia that so many of us have, but it quickly turned to a discussion of moving on. What he said to me has stuck in my head and I wanted to share. I have chosen to keep him anomyous as I do not know if he would want me to reveal his identity. His series of tweets was as follows:

It changed for me, when I changed my thinking from the "moving forward" to the ability "letting go". I know it sounds strange, but inside of me I always had a dislike for "moving forward". It was like betrayal for me. Then I realized, that I was afraid to let her go, because I thought I would loose her. I was so wrong, because one never looses the loved one in memories and heart. That started the change.

All day I thought about the difference between moving forward and letting go. I, like my friend, am afraid to let TJ go. He was a part of my life for 16 years and I am not willing to let him go. Moving forward though, to me, means leaving TJ behind. I can't do that either, he will always be in my heart. So, instead of always thinking I need to move forward/on I am going to try to change my thinking to letting go.

I feel I need to make room in my life for the new and let go of the old. I believe that if I stay open to new experiences and relationships I have much to gain after my loss. Happiness turned to sadness, but sadness will turn to happiness again. Every day I become more and more optimistic about my future and I can't let what has happened in the past close my mind to the possibilities of the new. I will not move forward, leaving TJ behind, instead, I will try to begin to let go of the past and carry him with me, in my heart, as I experience the many good things that are still to come in my life.

Letting go isn't the end of the world; it is the beginning of a new life. ~ Unknown

Bloggers, Win a Scholarship to Camp Widow!

2011-05-16T17:53:00.000-07:00

In August, Camp Widow, the premier event for connecting widows and widowers, will be held for the THIRD YEAR. Please visit the website for location, list of speakers and workshops, registration, and Frequently Asked Questions. This is the only event run by a non profit organization BY widowed people and it's an exceptional weekend of support, new friends, and the freedom to "come as you are" -- where EVERYONE "gets it." The event is inclusive (men, women, LGBT, all ages, all parenting statuses) with content and social events to meet all needs and interests.

I strongly encourage widowed folks to attend. To make it easier, I am helping to fund this blogging contest, along with a group of friends.

Widowed Bloggers -- win a ticket to Camp Widow!

Write a post sharing WHY you want to attend Camp Widow 2011. Notify us that you posted by leaving a comment on this post (below) to make sure we see it (you can also send us a note.)

Camp Widow is a exceptional weekend for widowed people of all ages. We will choose one (possibly two) bloggers to receive a PARTIAL scholarship that covers Camp registration and some incidental expenses. NO ACTUAL CAMPING IS INVOLVED. Learn more about this event, which is in its third year, at campwidow.org.

How do I enter?

Please write and publish a blog post telling the world WHY you wish to attend. You can include topics such as how you expect to benefit, or share about some of the widowed people you've already met. You do not need to demonstrate financial need though if you wish to write a separate note discussing your financial circumstances, you may do so.

Who is eligible to compete?

Widows and widowers of all ages who started blogging before 4/1/11 and who are interested in attending Camp Widow 2011. Please note: you should be prepared to pay for and arrange your travel to and from, and your lodging in San Diego. (We can help you find a roommate to reduce costs). If our generous donors can pay more, they will, but please don't apply unless you are prepared to make the trip (including arranging child care, taking time off work, etc.).

Summary and dates

You must publish your blog post AND notify us by midnight EST, Tuesday, May 31.

We will notify the winner(s) within 2 weeks.

Camp Widow will be held August 12 to 14. Details are at campwidow.org.

Winner(s) MUST arrange and purchase their own travel and hotel reservations. Scholarship covers Camp Widow registration fee plus some incidentals.

Questions? Want to help fund this scholarship? We want to hear from you.

(Disclosure: This competition is hosted, managed, and funded by an independent group of widowed bloggers. We're not being compensated for creating this competition and those judging entries are not eligible to win.)

Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop

2011-05-11T13:45:00.000-07:00

TJ died 7 months after his diagnosis. My Mother died 9 months after TJ. It has now been about 10 months since losing my Mother and I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. I knew I had these feelings in the back of my mind but I didn't realize how strong they were until last week.

My sister is retired and spends her summers back home in Indiana and her winters out here in Arizona. I enjoy it because we get to spend time together during the winter. My sister is 12 years older than me, and between her and my brother they are the only family I have left. I find it hard to believe that at the age of 45 I find myself at that point in my life that more of those that I love are dead than alive. I thought I would be elderly before reaching this point.

One evening last week I was at home playing with the dogs when my cell rang. The number showed up on the screen, but did not have a name associated with it. When I saw the area code my heart sank, it was an Indiana area code. I just knew it was one of my sister's friends calling to tell me my sister was sick or injured. I ran the dates in my head...TJ only lived 7 months after his diagnosis, Mom died 9 months later and it has been 10 months since Mom. Yes, it is time for my world to fall apart again. I sat with the phone in my hand just staring at it. I could not answer it. I thought that if I let it go to voicemail the bad news would be easier to handle. I was completely paralyzed, fixated on the area code. I then thought, what if they don't leave a message because it is too horrible to hear by voicemail. The fear of the person not leaving a message hit me like a semi truck. I immediately answered the phone.

"Sandy?"

"Yes"

"It's Judy"

I knew it was bad for sure. Judy has been a family friend for years and is the kind of person to speak up and volunteer to call me and let me know what has happened to my sister. I could feel the lump developing in my throat. The tears were beginning to form in my eyes. I was not sure I was even going to be able to speak. The fear had gripped me like the claws of a vulture snatching its latest victim. Judy then said to me:

"How do I heat up these tamales?"

"Excuse me?!!??!!?"

"How do I heat up these tamales? I don't want to ruin them."

I know my voice cracked as I was explaining how to heat up frozen tamales. An intense feeling of relief washed over my entire body. The vulture had released his hold on me, the lump in my throat was beginning to diminish and the tears were receding.

Looking back on this, I laugh that I got that worked up over tamales, but I also wonder when this feeling of impending doom is going to leave me. Will it ever leave me? Will the passage of time reduce the intensity? A widow friend of mine posted a blog about this same feeling a few months ago. You can read her blog here. Meanwhile, I will be right here waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I have accepted fear as a part of life - specifically the fear of change.... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back. ~Erica Jong

I Use Drugs

2011-05-03T18:40:00.000-07:00

Yep, I use drugs. I blame it on TJ. It is always the fault of someone else isn't it? As a matter of fact he was the one that started me on them. It was completely his idea and I had nothing to do with it. Although I was hesitant at first I quickly settled into the "user" mode. It was less than a week after his diagnosis when he called our family physician to let him know I was not dealing with it well and he needed to prescribe me something. Hell, we were just told he had less than a year to live, of course I wasn't dealing with it very well. He loved me and knew he needed me to be at the top of my game so he did what he thought was right. As was normal, he was right.

Two days after TJ's diagnosis one of his doctors told me I needed drugs and I didn't believe him at the time. You can read about that here. I never told TJ about that but he took the initiative and called Dr. E and requested a prescription for me. I was given Xanax. I took it periodically during his illness, but I was always afraid of being asleep or not 100% mentally when he needed me so I rarely took them.

After TJ passed was when I really began with the drugs. Antidepressants along with the occasional Xanax. I think it just made the first year go by in a blur. Looking back I know I was depressed but I can't imagine how I would have been without the antidepressants. I was able to wean off of them with no side effects. I have talked to many widows who had terrible side effects coming off antidepressants so I guess I was pretty lucky in that sense.

About 6 weeks ago I went back on Xanax at my doctor's instruction. I have never been a good sleeper, but since TJ died it really got out of control. I was only sleeping 3 to 4 hours a night and physically I was beginning to feel the effects. I had no idea how much the lack of sleep was affecting my health. I knew I was feeling pretty bad, but I did not relate it to not sleeping enough. If you aren't getting enough sleep please go see your doctor, it can cause serious health problems. I have always been a fairly healthy person and now I am not. It is nothing serious, but it does make a difference in my day to day life.

Now I am on a very strict schedule in the evenings. I have a wind down time, a get in bed and read time and a lights out time. I will admit that I don't always stick to it precisely but I am trying. My doctor and I decided that since I have always been an early riser to not fight that and instead to try to get me to stop doing stuff in the evening earlier and get to bed earlier. Since I don't really watch much TV I would do chores or play with my animals until exhaustion took over and then go right to bed. Now I quit going full speed ahead and relax on the computer or read for an hour each night. I can already feel my body expecting that wind down time. The good news is that I am now sleeping for 5 to 6 hours a night and I feel much better. I have also added exercise back into my routine. I quit when TJ got diagnosed and lately I had been feeling so bad I didn't have the energy to exercise.

I used to think that people who needed drugs to deal with life were weak. I don't feel that way any longer. I never thought I would blog about this, but I want people (specifically, my fellow widows) to know they are not alone and there is no shame in needing a little help. I have a wonderful doctor and I know he truly cares about me. He has told me I won't be like this forever and he will be there for me every step of the way, even when I take a few steps backwards. He was there for me both times I broke my back and helped me through it so I know he will get me through this.

A few days ago he said to me, "You don't have to be a victim of your anxiety". I won't be, at least not forever.

Don't let your mind bully your body into believing it must carry the burden of its worries ~ Astrid Alauda

Why Isn't There A Cookbook For Life?

2011-04-25T17:57:00.001-07:00

If you cook then, like me, you probably have a plethora of cookbooks. I have 3 cookbooks that are my "go to" books for recipes. It is those books that I turn to when I am searching for an old family recipe or just want to make some good ole' comfort food like Mom used to make. The first one I turn to is the book my Mom put together for me with all of her recipes in it. Most things she made out of her head so some of the recipes are a little sketchy. Unlike my sister, I cook a lot so I too just know those things that Mom left out. My sister doesn't, hence why she cooked a pumpkin pie for 4 hours this past year at Thanksgiving. Pumpkin pies are baked at a high temperature first and then turned down for the remainder of the cooking time. Evidently Mom left this part out!

The second cookbook I turn to is the one my Mom's sister made for her children and grandchildren. After much whining (well, not that much) I received one also. My Aunt Dorothy was a wonderful cook just like my Mom, but they did make some different things. My Mom didn't make candy, mostly because she was horrible at it, but Aunt Dorothy made some wonderful candy. Her divinity was to die for and to this day I have failed at divinity every time I have tried to make it. That non-candy making blood was passed on to me I guess. My cousin, Leslie, put this book together and it is a work of art without a doubt. The cabin on the front was built by Uncle Roy. He was a great carpenter.

(click photo to enlarge)

When all else fails I turn to an old Betty Crocker book that my Mom gave me. It is worn and tattered, but still has great recipes.

I always have somewhere to turn for just the right recipe for the occasion to make a wonderful meal to be proud of.

It would be so much easier if they made a cookbook for life with recipes telling us exactly what to do. Maybe I could have found the recipe to cure TJ's cancer in that book. If not, then maybe I could find the recipe to expedite the grief process. Throughout my life I have had so many problems that possibly could have been better dealt with had I been able to find the perfect recipe.

But, as many cooks know...It is the recipes you create yourself that are the best.

The discovery of a new dish does more for the happiness of mankind than the discovery of a star. ~ Anthelme Brillat-Savarin

Taking Things For Granted

2011-04-19T08:48:00.000-07:00

Every morning when I wake, I put together a mental list of things I am grateful for. I will admit that some days it is very difficult to come up with even one thing I am grateful for. Those are the days that I have to ask myself, "is it really that bad Sandy?" My answer is usually, "No, not really, but it will be if you don't get your ass in gear and get to work!" Probably not what you expected, but it is really what I say to myself sometimes on those days. So, while I may not come up with something to be grateful for at the moment I am trying to, I do eventually think of something.

I find that on a daily basis we all tend to take so many things for granted. We let grief, work problems, relationship problems, or money problems overshadow all the good things in our lives. We focus too much on our daily to do list and anticipating problems we might encounter during our day. Seriously, who wakes up in the morning and thinks about all the things that could possibly go right during the day? I know I don't, and I suspect most of you reading this don't either. If you do, then please let me know as I would love for some of that positive mojo to rub off on me!

Some of the little things we take for granted might be: you can get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other (many can't), you have a job (many don't right now), you have a reliable vehicle to get you to your job or maybe you live close to a bus line, the sun is shining, your computer is working and there is not an IT guy on his way to your home, your spouse / significant other / family / friends are healthy (this is a huge one in my book!). I could go on and on and I am sure you all could add many things to the list.

I think the most important thing to be grateful for is: There is somebody, somewhere, that loves you and is there to support you no matter what the day ahead brings. So, pick up the phone or send a card or email them or text them or Facebook them or tweet them and let them know that they are one of the special people in your life.

There are a lot of things that go right on a day to day basis. Try to focus on those things instead of what might go wrong and maybe we will all begin to have better days and have an attitude of gratitude.

We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude. ~ Cynthia Ozick

The Journey

2011-04-11T19:39:00.000-07:00

I saw this posted on a fellow widow's blog and just had to steal it to post here. I relate it to widowhood but I believe it can be about numerous things or even life in general sometimes. I do not know who the author is otherwise they would be given full credit. There is not a doubt in my mind that as you read this you will relate it to some point in your life. You may not relate it as grief, but I think life in general is a series of peak and valleys. Certain times those peaks are more extreme and the valleys deeper.

"Before we go through a loss like this, we assume that grief is like falling into a deep hole. We think we will start climbing a ladder and as we get closer to the top things start getting brighter and brighter and we keep feeling better and better until we finally step out into the sunshine where the birds are singing and beautiful music is playing and our grief is over and we are then officially “over it”.

Instead, I have found it is like being plunked down into the middle of a mountain range. We start on the top, with the breathtaking view, when life is wonderful. We are just walking along, basking in the sun and the beautiful scenery when suddenly we fall off a cliff. Now we are lying in a deep, deep valley: bruised, confused, hurt, scared, and lonely. We soon realize that there is no easy way out, no rescue in sight. The only way out is to do it ourselves. So we start working our way up the mountainside, sometimes walking, sometimes crawling, and often stumbling. It is very hard, very discouraging, and very exhausting work. Finally we reach the top and see the sun again for a while. Maybe the top will be flat and we’ll get to spend a little time up there enjoying it, or maybe it is very steep and as soon as we get there we have to start back down the other side into the next valley again.

The one thing we notice is that there are mountains as far as the eye can see. Somehow, we have to make our way through them if we are ever to get out. That thought can be overwhelming and cause us to give up for a while. But eventually we realize once again that the only way out is to keep going, so we start again: down one mountain and up the next. And sometimes on the journey, after a particularly hard stretch, we think, “I’m so glad I finally made it through that.” And then we stop and look around and realize that we’ve been here before! All this work and we’ve gone in a circle and we’re going to have to do it all again! And sometimes as we are climbing, we look up to see if we are getting any closer to the top, and we see a boulder heading our way. If we are fortunate, we manage to avoid it. But usually we can’t, and it hits us head on and sends us tumbling back down to the bottom.

Sometimes when we are in the deepest part of the valley, we just sit, exhausted. And we might notice some things around us that we never saw before: flowers and animals and a gentle breeze in the cool of the valley. There is a world down in the valley that we never even knew existed, and there is beauty in it. And sometimes at night, when all is quiet, we can hear the others who are in the valley weeping. And it is then that we realize that we are not alone, that others are making this journey too. And we realize that we share an understanding of the journey and of the world of the valley that most others don’t. And it gives us strength to start the climb all over again.

Sometimes as we are climbing the mountain, a helicopter may come by with some of our friends in it. Seeing us struggling up the mountain, they shout encouraging things like, “I know just what you’re going through; I went on a hike once.” And “at least you have other children to get you through this” And “You are so strong; I know I couldn’t make this climb.” Or they ask, “When will you finally get over these mountains and be yourself again?” And we try to tell them about the journey and the world of the valley, but the sound of the helicopter drowns us out and they can’t hear us. They throw down some food to give us energy, and it does, but some of it just pelts us on the head and makes the climb even harder. And then they leave, and we breathe a sigh of relief that we can get back to our climb in peace.

As we make this journey, we start to notice that we are becoming a little bit stronger. When we get to the rough patches we now see that we are shaken but don’t always fall. We find that sometimes we can walk upright now, instead of just crawling. And sometimes we can see a rough spot ahead and manage to find a better way around it. And once in a while we crest a mountain and see that the top is very flat and very beautiful, and we get to spend quite a while resting and recovering on the top before starting down again. And we notice that we are getting closer to the edge of the mountains; they seem to be getting a little smaller. The mountains are not as tall, and the valleys are not as low or as wide. In fact, we can now see the foothills, and it gives us hope.

And throughout this journey, we see the others who are traveling it as well, sometimes at a distance, and sometimes up close. And we encourage each other to keep going and to watch out for certain things. We talk about the journey and the world of the valley. Finally, someone else who understands! And we cry together when it is just too hard. And sometimes, we catch a glimpse of someone who has made it to the foothills. And we are so excited for them, and we become even more determined to keep going because someday, we too, will make it to the foothills.

So my point is this: everyone starts on a different mountain. No two journeys are the same. Some people spend a lot of time in the valley at first, and some have more time on top of the mountain. But we will all be both on the mountains and in the valleys. And we will all someday make it to the foothills. I promise."

Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it. ~ Shantideva

I Want To Go Home

2011-04-07T05:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling that I just want to go home.

I had to leave the house TJ & I lived in shortly after his death and lot of things in my life have changed since then. Not to mention the obvious. I moved just over a year ago and I think moving was a good thing for me to do. It was a kind of starting over. A new house without all the memories hanging over my head and a new start at making new memories. I have said before that it was a repo so I have been very busy getting it the way I want it and, in a way, it has been fun. I like my new house but I am not sure it will ever be home. I find myself calling it "the house" often instead of home. I am not sure it will ever be home to me.

Some days I just feel like it isn't real, like I have stepped into another person's life, and I just want to go home. Home to TJ and back to my old life. Our life was easy and simple, there is nothing about my new life that is easy or simple. Caring for a house, 1.5 acres and all my animals on my own is hard some days. In the past I was usually the one to care for the animals, but if I was having a day where I didn't feel like it TJ was always willing to step up and do it for me. He took care of the yard and all house maintenance. Now it is all on me to do. Our 3 dogs are getting older and we would often talk about how hard it was going to be on us to lose them. Now....how hard it will be on me.

My life is different now, not bad, just different.

I just want to go home, but I can never go home.

Never again.

Sad News

2011-04-03T13:25:00.000-07:00

It appears to me that one of the baby Doves is not developing proplerly. My first instinct is to scoop him up, bring him into my home and try to raise him. However, I know this is not feasible or wise. I am also a believer in letting nature take its course. I have to assume there is something wrong with him and nature is weeding out the weak. It is sad to see him so small and unfeathered compared to his sibling.

Young'uns Young'uns Everywhere!

2011-03-29T16:05:00.000-07:00

I had a serious post worked out in my head, but once again I decided to have a little fun. Those of you that follow me on Twitter are aware of the Tater Tot escapade this week, but I will recap for the rest of you. Last Friday a stray puppy showed up at my office. He was very adorable and I just couldn't imagine leaving him in an industrial area for the weekend so I brought him home with me for the weekend (read: the rest of his life). While my other 3 (yes, 3) dogs are not happy about this I think it is just what I needed. I have not had a puppy around for many years (my youngest dog is 11) and I had forgotten how much fun & frustrating a puppy can be. It is my belief that he is 5 to 6 months old and some kind of a Terrier mix, if you think a different breed please let me know in the comments as I am not very familiar with the small dog breeds. So, I am very pleased to announce the new addition to my "indoor herd"......Tater Tot!!

(Click on photos to enlarge)

No Mom, I wasn't chewing on the rug or trying to drag it somewhere else!

Hey, can you wash dishes in the sink from now on? I kinda like this for my napping area!

What?

Aw Mom! Please don't wash all this bedding, I like it on the floor just as it is...pleeeeaaasssseee

In addition to Tater I have new hatchlings! The eggs from last week's post have finally hatched. Some people inquired as to the kind of bird so here is information and a photo that I obtained from http://www.azgfd.gov/.

Mourning dove
Mourning doves occur from the lowest elevations along the Colorado River upward through forests of ponderosa pines to 8,500 feet. Their staple foods throughout the year are primarily small seeds and cultivated grains. Although some doves can be found nesting on the ground in open prairies, the best nesting habitats are brushlands and woodlands within the Sonoran Desert. Here, the woeful call of breeding males can be heard as early as February, and pairs have been known to attempt as many as seven nestings in a single season. Productivity may therefore be high even though the usual clutch size is only two eggs. Incubation takes only about 15 days, and is accomplished by both parents, as is the brooding and feeding of the nearly naked squabs. The young doves are fed regurgitated "pigeon milk" by both parents, and they grow and develop rapidly. Fledglings leave the nest only 12 to 14 days after hatching. Even in southern Arizona, nesting is essentially over by mid-August, and some of the early-hatched juveniles have already migrated by late July. By the first week of September, the migration of most nesting populations is usually underway, the juveniles typically leaving before the adults.

Now that you are educated here are pictures of the little ones:

It is still getting chilly here at night, but Momma is keeping them warm

I will post more as they mature. This nest is right outside my front door so I get to check on them before I leave for work and every evening when I get home. Momma only goes a short distance away as she is used to me looking at her babies.

I Am Expecting A Couple of Little Ones!

2011-03-21T12:32:00.000-07:00

I spent this past weekend rejuvenating. I stayed home all weekend and just kicked around the house. I got some yard work done on Saturday and took Peaches for a ride on Saturday night so I could get some pictures of the full moon. I was born a Hoosier which means I love basketball, so I also spent a good amount of time watching the NCAA tournament over the weekend, and, of course, I watched NASCAR on Sunday.

While I love spending time with my friends, I also think it is important to take a weekend once in a while and enjoy my own company. I usually try to "unplug" from internet stuff on the weekends and talk to "real" people, but this past weekend was all about me and my animals. It was very refreshing!

Oh yes! I am expecting some little ones. Last year I was so busy with getting moved I didn't have time to really enjoy them so I am looking forward to watching them this year.

Click on photos to enlarge

Hidden in this cactus is the proud Mama.

The little ones to be!

The pictures of the Super Moon really don't do it justice. I didn't have anything to reference the size. I will tell you that it was a beautiful night in Arizona and it was a privilege to have the opportunity to witness such a gorgeous event.

2 Years Ago Today

2011-03-13T17:21:00.000-07:00

How can something that happened that long ago be etched into my brain? How can it creep into my thoughts yesterday morning and refuse to leave? How can it deprive me of the joy of a nice spring weekend?

I had plans this weekend....I carried on with them, but not with the vigor I had intended. I made myself not cancel the entire weekend and stay in bed. I made myself smile. I made sure my friends had no idea of the scene that was being played over and over again in my head. I am sure they noticed my distance, but they are used to that.

It was the day my life as I had known it came to a screeching halt. My world shifted and things that had been in progress were simply left undone. Plans that had been made came unraveled. I lost all control and was simply along for the ride. There was nothing I could do to change it. For the first time in my life I was powerless to control what was happening.

I had been blindsided and I wanted to strike back, but I couldn't. I asked so many questions, but the answer was always the same. I searched and searched for a way to get her to say something different but she wouldn't, she couldn't. I kept throwing questions at her hoping for some other possibility, even a remote possibility. Nothing changed.

I didn't know it then, but I was beginning the journey of a lifetime. I didn't know how deeply I was going change. I had no idea that what she was saying would forever and permanently change me. I didn't know I was going to lose friends and I had no idea of the friendships I was going to gain. Most of all I didn't know the strength I had inside of me and I definitely was not aware of the immense strength I would gain along the way.

Two years ago today she sat in that hard plastic chair next to TJ's ER bed and told us he had 20 brain lesions and it was most likely cancer. Nothing but cancer causes that many brain lesions she told us. I don't remember her name, but I do remember her face. I remember the look of pity on her face. Her face told me how serious it was.

2 Years Ago Today......I remember it as though it was yesterday.

From the depths of our struggles sprout the blossoms of our strengths ~ Unknown

Spring Has Sprung!

2011-03-09T17:30:00.000-07:00

As I sit on my back patio with a glass of wine I truly believe that spring has sprung. There is a light warm breeze and the temperature is 80. In the silence I can hear the mules munching away on their dinner and the click of the dog's toenails as they walk around the pool. The birds are chirping excitedly and the rabbits are in stealth mode stealing every last piece of hay they can from the mules. I even hear off in the distance the clickety clack of a horse and rider out for an afternoon stroll.

Growing up in Indiana I hated winters and I still am not fond of them. Now I live in the desert and it makes the winters more tolerable, but I still love the summers more than any other time of year. A spring day like this means the pool is slowly warming up and soon it will be time for pool parties.

I thought today I would post some pictures showing some of the things I won't miss about winter.

I won't miss it getting dark at 5:30 and my solar lights can't even stay lit all through the night.

I really enjoyed my fireplace this winter and it served as my main source of heat, but I won't miss it either.

This is a picture of the Superstition Mountains I took a mere 2 weeks ago! It was beautiful and doesn't get snow like that very often, but I am glad the snow has melted.

This is my back yard 2 weeks ago! This is even more rare than snow on the mountain. This was gone in less than 30 minutes and replaced by rain, but I sure won't miss seeing actual snow in my backyard.

I welcome spring and summer with open arms. How about you?

It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want —oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!
~ Mark Twain

Caregiver

2011-03-07T05:13:00.000-07:00

Dictionary.com defines the word caregiver as: a person who cares for someone who is sick or disabled.

Caregiver is a word I really never thought about or even used in my daily vocabulary before TJ's diagnosis. Suddenly, in the blink of an eye, I became a caregiver. I was thrust into the role of scheduling doctor appointments, taking notes when the doctors spoke, administering medication on schedule and noting side effects. Being a caregiver to someone with a serious illness is so much more than making lunch and handing out pills. You become that person's emotional support as well as the brunt of their emotional outbursts. The responsibilities at times seemed endless and it is mentally and physically exhausting.

I did not have a chance to prepare for the role of caregiver. I did not get to read and study up on TJ's diagnosis, I had to learn as we went along. The pressure was on me to ask all the right questions, to choose the treatment path and hardest of all...to be positive. TJ's emotions were in overdrive because of the steroids, mine were in overdrive because of the fear of losing him. He was able to act out while I had to put on a happy face and tell him it was OK.

Being TJ's caregiver was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I also feel honored and privileged to be able to help him when he was most vulnerable. TJ thanked me many times for sticking by him and caring for him. No, I did not choose to be a caregiver, but I am grateful for the experience and the opportunity. It strengthened me and taught me compassion. I learned to simplify my life. It taught me to appreciate the simple things, the moments that may not have meant anything before. Most importantly I learned that through nearly 16 years of ups and downs in our relationship TJ & I loved each other very much.

One day out of the blue TJ said to me, "Thank You". I said, "For what?" He then said words I will never forget, "Because of you I have known what it is like to be truly loved."

To care for the ill without prejudice you must forget who you are, listen to those lying before you in sorrow, and think, "I can be of help". ~ Unknown

Growing Old

2011-02-28T15:17:00.000-07:00

Oh how we hate to admit to getting old. We do everything we can to avoid it. We lie about our eyesight and buy the cheap cheaters at the drug store instead of going for an actual eye exam and getting prescription glasses or worse yet bifocals! As women, we indulge in wrinkle creams for our eyes, necks, face, etc. and of course we color our hair to cover up the gray. Even men are in on the anti aging market with products such as, "Just For Men". Do we not realize what a privilege it is to get old? To grow old with the one you love?

TJ's life ended at the age of 49. He didn't have the privilege of growing old. I don't get to grow old with him. When I see an elderly man in the grocery store or at the gas station I frequently think of TJ. What would he have been like if he had grown elderly? Would he have been like the grumpy old man I saw in the grocery store the other day? Would life had dealt him some blow(s) to turn his happy go lucky attitude into disdain for his fellow man? Maybe. But, I think he would have been more like the elderly man I chatted with at the gas station just a few days ago. He was filling up his truck next to me and we immediately struck up a conversation. We talked about the weather and other mundane things but when I drove away I felt as though I had just made a friend. TJ always made people feel that way. Everyone liked TJ and his zest for life was contagious.

Growing old is a gift; something we should not be afraid of. Yes, I believe it is a privilege, a privilege that too many are denied.

Old wood best to burn, old wine to drink, old friends to trust, and old authors to read. - Francis Bacon

I Am Beginning A New Blog

2011-02-25T07:42:00.000-07:00

I am very pleased to announce that I have begun blogging at www.facingcancer.ca/community/the-blogs

When TJ was first diagnosed I immediately turned to the internet for information and support. I had no idea of the support available on the web. When a new side effect of the chemo would pop up TJ would immediately tell me to get online and find out what we should do. He saw the support I had from my online friends and I read him all the well wishes they sent to him through me. We often talked that when he got better we would share what we have learned with others on the internet.

When he died I knew that our plan to share our experiences must continue. It took a while for me to "get my poop in a group" and begin working towards the goal of helping others from my experiences, but it was always on my mind. I continued intermittently blogging about my feelings and experiences here and reading some of the emails I have received I know that it was helping some who would stumble across my blog.

In my blog on Facing Cancer I will cover in detail TJ's treatment. I will talk about some things that I have never told anyone and I am starting from the very beginning of his diagnosis.

I know many of you have been readers from the beginning, but I would like to invite you to read my new blog in addition to this one. I will still be blogging here about my present feelings and experiences.

A big thank you to all of you for your support!

A Very True and Everlasting Friendship

2011-02-16T08:43:00.001-07:00

The following is a "message" that, Mary Rogers, my best friend all through middle school and high school wrote and posted on Facebook for all our friends to see.

Over a year ago I went on a trip with family to see family. Part vacation, part obligation -but in a good way. After several days of going to every museum and an' important' house in the area (plus eating $24.00 salads for lunch) I was ready for a change. "Look, I have never been to this part of the country before, let's do something touristy. Find some really tacky fun thing to do that is really LOCAL." My family said okay and after pouring over many brochures I found just the place. So we drove out to the middle of nowhere and had a ball. Tourist trap city. I knew I was being shown a caricature of historic events, (reality be damned!) but it was great.

As we sat at a picnic table eating some lunch I was struck by a very powerful feeling that I was sitting where someone that I loved had sat. That I was exactly where they were and had been happy. Being a reasonable person I thought 'Mmmm...no. No one I know has ever been here. I would have known about it." That little voice we all have told me no. Okay someone that I haven't met yet,maybe? "No. Someone who is very important to you." I decided that there wasn't much point in trying to figure it out. That maybe I should just sit still and take in the gorgeous scenery and be glad that they had had a good day there too. I hoped that someday the mystery would be resolved.

All throughout middle school and high school Sandy Bolton was my best friend. Almost all of my significant memories from that time in my life featured Sandy. Jammed lockers? Check. SAT Saturday? Check. Boyfriend drama? Check. Maybe possibly breaking curfew and getting drunk on a disgusting combination of Coca Cola and Cherry Vodka? Che--No comment.

Sometimes the people who have had a profound impact on your life don't stay in your life. It's not your fault. It's not theirs. It just happens. Sandy was supposed to go to Hanover when I did. We even got assigned to the same room in Ide Hall. It was going to be a 4 year extension of all of the fun we'd already been having. Sandy had a change of heart and decided to go to Franklin College instead. I was disappointed, but not upset. Whatever she needed to do was okay with me. Eventually she left Indiana and lived "out West" somewhere. We wrote a few times, there was a phone call or two, but we were doing what people in their 20s were supposed to do. Changing jobs and changing residences as opportunity or foolish desire dictated.

I didn't know where Sandy had landed or what her last name was, but thanks to the miracle of the modern age and Facebook, Sandy found me. My joy at reconnecting with the great friend of my youth was quickly tempered when I learned that her husband, TJ, was seriously ill with cancer. Sandy pointed me to the blog she had been keeping during his treatment. My hopes for a favorable outcome faded as I read the posts. TJ lost his fight on October 25th, 2009.

I couldn't and still can't quite to come to terms with Sandy being a widow at our age.

I wanted to write to her and let her know how badly I was hurting for her, but I couldn't find an address. There was no way I was going to do something as inappropriate as sending an e-mail. I couldn't stand the thought and let the note go hoping that some of the friends we had and have in common could provide me with a mailing address.

Finally on December 31st I couldn't ignore the little voice that kept telling me to write anyway for another moment.. Medium be damned, it was the message that counted here. It was far worse to let Sandy be out there somewhere in the world thinking that I didn't care that her life had fallen apart.

I wanted to spend a minute finding out a little bit about TJ before I wrote my words of condolence. Through a series of previously unexplored links on her blog, I was able to see a few hundred photos of Sandy and TJ on Flickr. It seems that for sixteen years this man had given Sandy the life she had dreamed out loud about when she and I were 13. There he was, a handsome cowboy who lived on a ranch. Complete with all the horses and dogs in middle school Sandy's fantasy.

I laughed even as tears filled my eyes. How strange life is. Joy and sorrow in what she had and what she lost...all in the same moment for me as I came late to their love story.

I kept flipping through the photos until I saw the one that I knew instantly I was meant to see.

There was Sandy and her beloved TJ sitting at the same picnic table at the same tacky tourist trap in the town of Goldfield, Arizona. I understood then just how happy she had truly been.

Yes, above is the picture she was speaking of. But most importantly is that TJ did give me the life of my dreams and I told him this frequently. When I would tell him how grateful I was for my dream life he would smile that huge smile of his and laugh at me....I only wish he would have seen this "message" from Mary to know that I was telling him the truth.

I got what I wanted in my life. I may not have it now and I doubt I will ever have it again. I do know how lucky I was to have it as some never do get to live the life they dreamed of as a young girl.

See TJ, I told you.....

The Widow Card

2011-02-14T13:42:00.000-07:00

It has been a really cold winter in Arizona. I am sure all you readers back east are rolling your eyes about now, but it has seriously been cold as far as Arizona standards go. We are not accustomed to several nights of below freezing temperatures. I had one neighbor that unpacked all of his outdoor worthy Christmas lights and put them on his trees for the warmth. I laughed at this every morning while on my way to work. Yeah, I laughed until I realized the freeze killed my ficus tree and miscellaneous other bushes. The freeze also busted one of my corral pipes. This is a corral that I don't use so the thought never crossed my mind to insulate this pipe with a blanket or something similar on those below freezing nights.

A few weeks ago upon arriving home from work I was greeted by my neighbor. He informed me about the busted corral pipe. He had been outside when it busted and was able to shut my water off at the main right away. For him I was grateful. He even said he was going to fix it but did not have the right size PVC. Well now, thank you very much Mr. Neighbor!

I called my plumber who came out right away and had it fixed within 90 minutes of me making the call.

I know that a lot of the help I get is because of my "Widow Card". While there are times that I readily use my Widow Card there are also times when it is somewhat embarrassing and I feel really guilty. Women who are single by choice don't have this advantage nor do divorced women. Us widows get one handed to us immediately and in the beginning it is a tough card to play because it is hard to say "I am a widow". As time passes those words get easier to say and it is learned that the Widow Card is often a free pass. Once I got used to it I played my Widow Card frequently, but lately I have stopped using it so much. It has been 16 months since TJ passed and the feelings of guilt when using it outweigh the benefits, especially if it is someone who knows when TJ died. I feel like they are thinking, "good grief Sandy, at some point you are going to have to deal with things on your own!" While nobody has said this to me, I am afraid of them feeling that way. I am really not a helpless woman, but I do miss having a man to do some things that I just don't want to do.

I am not sure what the expiration date is on my Widow Card or if it even expires. I do know that I intend to use it sparingly and not overload it. I also know that it is a card I never wanted and never thought I would have, hell, I didn't even know such a thing existed. If given the opportunity I would gladly return it. It was given to me too soon. Yes, the Widow Card can help me, but just by having one I lost out on so much.

My Dad

2011-02-02T18:49:00.000-07:00

I think I discovered why my Dad has been on my mind so much lately.

I received a Facebook friend request from a high school friend. I am not a fan of Facebook (fb) but I accepted his request assuming, like most fb stuff goes with me, that was the end of it. I then got a message from him with an email address and asking me the dreaded question, "how is your family?" This is generally translated as, "how are your Mom and Dad, husband and kids?" Most everyone knew and loved my parents and at 45 they assume I have a husband and kids. Generally when I message back that Mom, Dad and Husband have all passed and I have no kids I don't hear from them again. I understand, people just don't know what to say and I am fine with it. Instead of my normal everyone is dead message, I sent an email with basic generalities...no kids, I live in Arizona...blah, blah, blah. To my surprise I got an email back telling me about his kids, wife etc. and asking me more about what I have been up to. I replied with the everyone is dead email but with a few more details and I just knew for sure that would be the end of this reunion. NOT!! He emailed me back and said some really moving things about my Dad.

My Dad was a difficult man to get along with to say the least. I cut ties with him as an adult because we just didn't see eye to eye on anything. It was TJ who encouraged me to reconnect with my Dad and with much prodding I did. I saw him for the first time in years when TJ and I went to my brother's wedding in Las Vegas. He and TJ became very good buddies and my Dad moved to Arizona to live his last couple of years close to TJ and I. He was at our house every night for dinner and he spent time watching TJ build stuff. My Dad apologized to me for all the bad stuff and we got to say "I Love You" to each other. When he became ill he pleaded with TJ and I to not let him die in a hospital and not to stick him in one of our back bedrooms all alone. TJ rearranged our living room to accomodate a hospital bed and with the help of hospice we brought him home to spend his last hours. He lasted less than 24 hours at our home but the last thing he said to me was, "Where the hell am I?" I said to him, "You are home Dad, you are with TJ & I." He passed away the next morning at home, just what he wanted.

Here are some excerpts from our emails when my friend spoke of my Dad:

I thought your Dad was quite a character. I always got the feeling that you and him did not see eye to eye on several things. I always wanted to talk to him after I joined the service but I always missed him and never knew where he lived after the house on the lake sold. Your Dad treated me well and I never forget people who were nice to me when I was a young man.

I am glad that you and Rex reconciled, I am sure you would have had great regrets had you not done so. Your Dad seemed like a well traveled person who had been around a bit and he always had some stories that mad me laugh. I think he thought I was a bit crazy at times and probably useless at other times. He wanted young people to do the right thing and I knew it by the way he took time to tell me stuff. He had probably made a lot of the same mistakes so he didn’t see the need for anyone else to repeat them.

Reading these kind words about my Dad made me cry. A lot of people can justifiably say lots of bad things about my Dad but the above words show that he did make a good impression on some people. He was my Dad, the only one I had, and I loved him regardless of his past.

When you measure someone's worth, put the tape around the heart instead of the head ~ Covey

I Have Been In A Funk.....

2011-01-31T09:02:00.000-07:00

I have been in a terrible funk for over a week now. I am to the point that I don't even want to be around myself. I can't seem to force my mind into a good place. TJ has been really strongly on my mind and so has my Father. These thoughts have not been sad or emotional, but I can't seem to get these guys out of my head. I decided that maybe they were there for a reason....usually it means I am screwing something up. I thought and thought about what I could possibly be doing wrong and came up empty handed. Not that I am doing everything perfectly, but nothing that would disappoint these guys.

I just can't find the joy in anything....being with my animals, blogging, hanging with friends, tweeting...it all seems to be a struggle. There are moments when I think I am escaping the "Funk" and suddenly I am sucked back into it again. It is like I have no control over my mind and it is twisting everything in my life into something toxic.

It is Monday. I am usually a fan of Mondays. I think of Mondays as a clean slate, a chance to start all over and make it an awesome week. I am trying to not let my mind turn today into "Toxic Monday". After all I have been through I should be able to win over the toxicity of my mind this week.

Joy and sorrow are inseparable...together they come and when one sits alone with you...remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. ~ Kahlil Gibran

My Oh Too Close Thanksgiving Fiasco!

2011-01-18T16:17:00.000-07:00

I like Thanksgiving. As a matter of fact I think it is my favorite holiday for a number of reasons. Primarily, it is a 4 day weekend and who doesn't love a four day weekend especially if you tack 3 vacation days onto it and turn it into a whopping 9 days off for the price of 3! It also has all the festiveness of Christmas but without the pressure and bank breaking tradition of gift giving. Mostly I like the food of Thanksgiving or more precisely I like cooking Thanksgiving food. It is a fun and easy meal to prepare and it is generally food that you only eat once a year....on Thanksgiving.

Because of my affinity for Thanksgiving I was quite excited to host the first Thanksgiving in my new home last year. I tacked on the 3 vacation days and that made it even more exciting for me. Like anyone I spent some time leading up to the big day doing some projects around the house, cleaning, and, being the organized maniac that I am, I did my shopping 2 weeks previous.

My house was a repo so I had to install all new lighting when I moved in and lots of other things needed fixed or replaced also. I have been focusing on getting the main living area presentable and holding off on the spare bedrooms and my bedroom and bath. I put in all new cabinetry before moving in but still needed to replace the vanity tops. I found out that the vanity top in my guest/hall bath is a standard size....BONUS! I bought a new top off the shelf at Lowes and had a friend come help me to carry the old one out and in the new. I also bought new faucets and new stuff for the walls...my guest bath was going to be presentable for Thanksgiving!

Enter my manic, anal, everything must be perfect....usually self destructing...self. The Tuesday before Thanksgiving I decide to move the light in the guest bathroom. I think it was installed too low and want it moved up just a tad bit higher. I am pretty handy around the house and figured I would be able to do this quickly and easily. I get my little step stool and proceed to remove the screws that secured the light. Hell, I even remembered to close the drains in the event that I dropped a screw I would not get into a plumbing project also. With all screws removed I very gently pull the light ever so slightly away from the wall.....POP!....SPARK!...LIGHTS GO OUT!!!!!

Now I am standing on a stool, in a pitch black interior bathroom (i.e. no outside light whatsoever!) holding onto a new light (still attached by the wires), above my new faucets, installed on my new vanity top....completely alone. Boy, did I feel alone too! Way to go Miss you are not as handy as you think you are you stupid everything must be perfect dimwit. I know what has happened and I assume the breaker blew, but somewhere in the back of my mind I keep thinking the wires may still be hot and I am about to get shocked! Never mind the fact that I can't see, nor can I let go of the light as I know the weight of it will pull the wires loose and it will come crashing down on the new top and faucets and break the light into millions of pieces. I can't just wait here in the dark for 2 days until my friends show up for Thanksgiving....can I?

My phone! My phone is in my back pocket! Of course it is, I am addicted to my phone and I always have it with me. Now, you are probably thinking I called someone to come help me. Quite the contrary, actually that thought never entered my mind. What I did think of is the "Tesla LED" flashlight app I have installed on my phone. If you don't have some kind of flashlight app on your phone I highly recommend getting one. I turned on my flashlight app, which is amazingly bright, and was able to unscrew the wire nuts and gently set my light down on the counter. Whew! Crisis averted. Although I don't seem to have power to most of the back part of my house now. Just how big a circuit is this anyway?

I just can't deal with the fact that I now have no power to the bathroom my guests will be using in two days and I am mentally exhausted. I look at the clock and it is exactly, right on the nose....Oh Wine Thirty! Guess it all will have to wait until tomorrow when I have mentally recouped from this very stressful situation.

The next day I hook the light back up, in the same position it was in and to this day I still have not moved it up. I will someday, but it will have to be when someone is here to help me so I don't have to relive my oh too close Thanksgiving fiasco.

Memories

2011-01-12T16:53:00.000-07:00

Memories come in many different shapes and forms. The things that can trigger a memory are numerous...a smell, a song, a book, a movie or television show and sometimes they just happen. There are childhood memories, high school memories, college memories, early adulthood memories, memories of finding that one true love and memories of your children.

I have lots of TJ memories, we spent 16 years creating memories. No, not all are good memories. It is impossible to put two stubborn, head strong, independent people together and not expect some volatility, but we did love each other very much and I have many more good memories than bad ones.

The memories that hit me the hardest are those that come out of the blue. It is usually a day that I am merrily going along in my new life and BAM!!!!!!!! I have a deja vu moment. The memory coursing through my entire body...I feel it everywhere. Suddenly I can no longer think about anything else, I become almost transfixed, I retreat into my own little world. The memory seems so real, so vivid, TJ is with me...I feel as though I could reach out and touch him. Then just as quickly as the memory came about it is gone. I am neither sad nor happy for a moment, I just keep trying to replay what just happened again and again in my head but it is no longer as intense and real. Then, depending on the memory I sometimes cry and I sometimes laugh and sometimes I even say out loud, "Holy hell, that was fun wasn't it TJ?!"

I don't have any idea what triggers these kind of intense memories. When I reflect upon them I can't find anything happening at that moment that would trigger the particular memory. I never had these kind of intense memories about my Father when he passed nor do I have them about my Mother.

The intensity was somewhat frightening at first but I now welcome it. I believe these intense memories will not last forever so I have chosen to accept and even embrace them. I will always have the memories that TJ and I created together, although the intensity may diminish. I will cherish them for the rest of my life even as I move forward in creating new memories.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.

2011 - A New Year

2011-01-04T17:37:00.000-07:00

I am determined that this year will be a better year for me than the last two! I lost TJ in October of 2009 and then my Mom in July of 2010. Enough already!!

I am at a really different spot in my life right now. As I have said many times, going through what I did with TJ really changed me. It changed me deeply and forever. Often times over the past 2 years I have wanted a different life. This just isn't realistic and all that has happened to me has shaped me into the person I am today and dwelling on the bad stuff only will make it more difficult for me to live in the "now".

Having thoughts racing around in my head like: "If only", "what if", "I should have", "I wish I would have", "I could have" only serve to remove me from the present life I am living. By living in the past I am missing out on the "now" and projecting fear into my future. I resolve (although I don't generally make New Year's Resolutions) to stop this.

I believe in fate so I am sure all that has happened to me in the past happened for a reason (although, right now, for the life of me, I do not know that reason!). I also believe all that has happened and will happen has a useful meaning that I can learn from.

Yes, 2011 is going to be a better year than the past 2 as I will open my heart and mind to new people, new ideas, new thoughts and new freedoms.

Under the greatest adversity there exists the greatest potential for doing good, both for oneself and others ~ Dalai Lama

Things I Am Asking Santa For This Year

2010-12-15T17:08:00.000-07:00

I have mentioned before that TJ and I quit exchanging Christmas presents years ago but when we used to get each other presents I always asked for fun me stuff. You know, stuff like jewelry, horse tack and nice frilly things from Victoria's Secret. TJ either wanted motorcycle stuff, horse tack or tools. He liked me buying him tools because I only bought good quality stuff.

Well, my list to Santa for this year is quite a bit different than in the past. As most of you know, I moved to a new home this past March. I bought it as a repo and got a smokin' deal on it, but...........it of course needed lots of work. At the time I thought this was a good thing. I am pretty handy for a girl and with so much to do on the house it would keep me busy and hopefully my mind off of losing TJ. It succeeded on doing both of those things, but at the same time, I have found it at times to be overwhelming and even have had thoughts that just maybe I bit off more than I could chew. When I think I am in over my head I usually just call a friend or two for help and everything turns out OK.

So, because of my new home here is my list for Santa this year:

Air Compressor - I have no idea why TJ never had one!
Floor Jack - these are handy for a multitude of tasks
Table Saw - TJ could build anything with his Skil Saw.....I can't!
Pneumatic Tools - to go along with the air compressor
Wheel Barrow - actually I could use 2 of these: 1 for hay and 1 for wood
Another Cord of Fuitwood - thanks to my fireplace I have yet to turn on my heater this year
Chain Saw - I bought TJ a Stihl years ago but he always had trouble with starting it (lemon!) which translates to I can't start the darn thing at all!
Gas Powered Leaf Blower - a 4 stroke please; I have trouble with 2 stroke motors, i.e. above referenced chain saw
A small tractor with a gannon & bucket - I have lots of yard work here

Even without these things my house is coming along good....slowly but good, and it is nice to step back once in a while and say to myself....."Thanks Dad and TJ for all you taught me, I could not have done any of this without the two of you having been in my life! I love and miss you both."

Oh, and Santa.....a Home Depot gift card might be easier and is just as good!

Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle. ~ Christian D. Larson

My 2nd Thanksgiving Without TJ

2010-11-30T17:47:00.000-07:00

I can't hardly believe that TJ has been gone long enough for me to have 2 Thanksgivings without him. This time last year I was being told..."it will get easier with time" and "time heals". Well, at that point I thought they were all nuts!!! But it turns out they were right.

I really wanted to host Thanksgiving in my new house and since my sister already had plans I invited friends. I kept it small and had everyone bring a dish so as to not make it too stressful for me. It was wonderful and really made me once again realize how lucky I am to have such wonderful friends in my life.

I took all of Thanksgiving week off of work so I had 9 days off and boy was that nice. First time in over 1 1/2 years that I have taken time off work for me and was not sitting at someone's bedside. I didn't do anything special but got lots of little things done around the house and got to spend some time with friends.

I was busy enjoying myself on Thanksgiving and didn't take many pictures but posted a few here. Note that it was the women who carved the turkey....the men were busy watching football and we just let them be.

I hope you all (my American readers) had as wonderful Thanksgiving as I did.

Living in a Positive Manner

2010-11-14T17:10:00.000-07:00

I know I have said this before but I absolutely have no tolerance for people complaining.

Someone complained to me the other day that they only got 6 hours of sleep the night before....when TJ was at his worst I often went to work with 1 hour or less of sleep.

When I hear someone say that their "Significant Other" does not call them as often as they used to....I think TJ will never call me again.

When I hear someone complain that their "Significan Other" does not do enough to help them around the house.....I literally do it all by myself every single day.

When I hear someone complain about their job....I remember the sorrow, deep pain and tears in TJ's eyes when he learned he would never work again.

It is all about perspective, we need to see and appreciate what we have.

Life can be beautiful! It is true that those who have had a life altering experience become more accepting and peaceful but anyone can start now to see the beauty in life.

It is utterly useless to complain about things. Negative people bring themselves down as well as those around them. Instead of complaining focus your energy on what you can do to solve the problem, this is much more productive.

Learn to let go. This is the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. You can either hold on to the way things were or you can bite the bullet and accept the way your life is now. By learning to let go of even the smallest of things that happen in everyday life you will find you are living with much more happiness and ease.

Over the past year I have searched for ways to start my day in a positive manner. While these are some of the things that work for me I encourage you to find your own things that will make you start your day with positive thoughts.

I start every day with this song click here (find your own song that starts your day with a smile).

I think of 1 thing that I am grateful for...big or small it does not matter just one thing and on really good days I have a whole list of things.

I no longer turn on the news first thing. We all know how depressing and negative the news is so it can't be a positive start to your day.

I spend about 15 minutes enjoying the company of my dogs. My animals bring me immense joy and this is my form of meditation.

You may be thinking that you don't have the time for this in the morning, but if waking up 20 minutes earlier gives you a more positive outlook on life and a better day and better you isn't it worth it?

"It is only possible to live happily-ever-after on a day-to-day basis" ---Margaret Bonnano

I Lost TJ One Year Ago Today

2010-10-25T19:26:00.000-07:00

Wow! I don't even know where to start. There are times when it seems like only yesterday that TJ and I had the world in the palm of our hands, yet there are times that it seems like he has been gone forever. My life has changed so much over the past year that when I think about it I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed at what I have been able to accomplish without TJ, I am overwhelmed at the support from my many friends and mostly I am overwhelmed that TJ is actually gone.

Since losing TJ I have spoken to lots of other widows and read quite a bit about the experience of widowhood and losing a loved one. Most all agree that the one year mark is not as big a deal as you would expect it to be. For me it is a huge deal though. When I look back on the past year I am proud of my many accomplishments and I am proud of how far I have come since this same night one year ago. I had lots of decisions to make as others do in my same situation and I feel confident that TJ would be proud of my decisions.

I know I am better because I now have many more good days than bad. I no longer get weepy when I see TJ's personal items. I no longer think about TJ constantly. I have gone whole days where he did not cross my mind and when I realize that I haven't thought about him all day I don't feel guilty.

I am beginning to appreciate my own life more. I spent the last seven months of his life caring for him. He knew how much I loved him. Now it is time to love myself! This experience changed me immensely and I will never be the person I was before TJ's diagnosis. I am beginning to accept my "new normal" and even enjoy it.

I can't express enough how much the support from my friends and family has helped me. Additionally the support I have found on twitter is absolutely priceless and I thank you all (you know who you are!). I have even gotten a lot of support from old friends in Indiana via Facebook. What all this means is that anytime day or night when I needed someone to listen or even just a friendly conversation to take my mind off things someone was always there. It may have been the middle of the night here in Arizona but it was early morning for my friends in Scotland or Ireland. There was also the friend that told me, "I will leave my phone on all night, you call or text if you need me" and this wasn't just an empty offer this was heartfelt and honest (thanks Melissa).

Then there are my girlfriends here who are always thinking of me and worried that I will be alone on significant days. They got me out of the house tonight for pizza just so I would not be home alone and I so appreciate their thoughtfulness. My favorite (and only) sister who I know too is just a phone call away and would drop anthing to be with me if I asked. My brother, who we don't talk as much as we should but I know his love is always with me. I could go on and on but I will suffice it to say that I am very lucky to have such wonderful friends in my life.

We meet people in life who touch our heart, who we won't ever forget, but it is the ones who touch our soul that we remember for an eternity.

TJ - I still love you whole bunches and I always will!

Change

2010-10-12T16:26:00.000-07:00

"Change is the only constant." - Heraclitus

One afternoon this summer when the girls had come over for a swim one of them looked at me and said, "Don't you ever feel like you need some change in your life?" I said, "Seriously?!!! Are you kidding me? Don't you think I have had enough change in my life in the past year?!!!!!"

I don't like change. I don't mind a little adventure once in a while but on a day to day basis I am a very structured person. I even plan my weekends in advance so I will know what is going on.

When TJ was sick my life changed on a daily basis. I never knew what the next day was going to bring....what new side effect would plague TJ, was he going to have a good day or a bad day, was it going to be a bad enough day that I needed to stay home from work to take care of him, would we end up in the Emergency Room and if we did were they going to admit him. I hated the uncertainty of every day. It was at times terrifying and I felt like I had no control over my life. TJ felt all of these same things too. On the days that I would stay home from work to care for him he would always tell me before I called my boss to let him know I would not be in..."tell Bill I am really sorry" Oh how that would break my heart. He was going through enough without having to feel guilty about me missing work!

When TJ passed was when I really had change in my life. I thought at the time that I was going to finally be able to breathe and get into a routine...Boy was I wrong about that!! Once again every day brought something new to my plate. In the end he was not able to help around the house or help feed the animals but he was there to bounce things off of. If something was wrong around the house I could ask him what I should do and he could walk me through it. Now he was gone and I only had myself to rely on, no one to bounce ideas off of, no one to help me solve household problems....just me.

I am pretty handy and self sufficient but I had gotten used to TJ taking care of things and it was overwhelming me to have to do it all myself. I felt like I worked tirelessly when I got home from work before falling into bed. Then when I had to move...wow! Try moving a home you and a spouse have lived in for 14 years all by yourself. Sure, I had help with the actual moving part but it was still overwhelming. I still have boxes in the garage of TJ's stuff that I need to go through.

Well, I have been in the new house for about 6 months now and even though I am not fully organized I feel as though I am into a routine. Once the initial move was over I began to take a little time for myself every day by reading, which is something I really enjoy. Even if it was only 30 minutes, it was still "me" time and it felt really good. I also am starting to stay home on the weekends more to do projects around the house.

I have begun to set a new course for my life and am taking better care of myself. I am choosing joy over sadness and rising above my pain. My life has taken on a whole new meaning and direction and I am making the choices about how, when and where I spend my energy and I am confident in the choices I am making.

Yes, not being able to start the chain saw to trim trees made me cry and wish TJ was here to help...but it only lasted a minute or two and I moved on. My trees still aren't trimmed but it will get done eventually.

I still don't like change but I have learned to turn it into a positive and run with it.

"What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

That Ain't Nothing

2010-10-07T20:57:00.000-07:00

I had a similar conversation with two people today. When you have been through a life altering experience it changes you. I don't know if it is good or bad but it changes you nonetheless. These life altering experiences come in many shapes and forms but if you have been there then you know what I am talking about.

If you haven't been there then I am very happy for you but I am also here to tell you that those of us who have are no longer sympathetic to your sniveling about small stuff. And believe me....it is mostly all small stuff to me at this point.

I will not go into details about the trivial things I hear people complain about but it is time for all of us to stop and think. Is my life really that bad? Is what I am complaining about really a big deal? Do I know someone who has been through something much more difficult than what I am complaining about?

I heard a story this week from a widower that in my opinion was way more tragic than what I went through with TJ. Yes, we grieve the same for our loss. But, it also made me think....quit whining Sandy, it could have been worse.

Shortly after TJ was diagnosed we frequently used the phrase, "it's just small stuff, don't sweat the small stuff!". This became our mantra when he was going through treatment. Try it! You will be surprised how much easier life is.

"It Brought Me To My Knees"

2010-10-04T20:09:00.000-07:00

"It Brought Me To My Knees"....we have all said that at some point, but has anything really "brought you to your knees"? By this I mean in the physical sense....made you literally drop to your knees and cry or pray in anguish. I have been there and it is the most intense hurt that a human can endure. I know you are thinking that this happened when I heard TJ's diagnosis but it was at that time that I mustered more strength than I knew I had, there was no way I was going to let TJ see me as being weak at that point, he needed me strong and I was determined to be there for him.

What brought me to my knees was our government...to be specific...our Social Security Adminstration. Don't stop reading...this is not a partisen political rant. When TJ was diagnosed he was told that he could no longer drive because the 20 brain tumors could cause a seizure at any time. His job was a boom truck/crane operator so this meant that overnight we lost half of our household income and were faced with mulitple copays on a daily basis. We had insurance but the copays were about to add up quickly!

My first order of business was to get him on disability...the doctors gave him a year to live at the most so I thought this would not be a problem. I helped him to apply for disability and assumed it would kick in immediately. Disabilty payments aren't much but they are better than nothing. His disability was approved within two weeks of application....

Then.....I spoke with Social Security and this is how that conversation went:

Me: I received a letter that "TJ" has been approved for disability

SS: Yes, he has been expedited

Me: When will he receive his first payment?

SS: There is a mandatory six month waiting period

Me: Are the payments retroactive?

SS: No, after 6 months he will receive his first payment

Me: No money for six months? Did you not see that the doctors are giving him less than a year to live?

SS: Yes, I know, people die all the time waiting for their disability to kick in.

Me: ??????????????????????

Me: Is there any way we can expedite this?

SS: No...6 months is mandatory, he will receive his first payment on October 20th

Me: Thank you....goodbye

Now, our income is cut and our expenses because of copays have gone up....WTF???!!!

TJ worked hard his whole life and this is the treatment he gets?!

An hour later TJ found me in our master bath, door closed ( I didn't want him to see me), curled up in a ball on the floor....crying hysterically...how were we going to make ends meet?!

Our own Social Security Adminstration "brought me to my knees" and let me tell you...it is an awful feeling. Not only is TJ very sick but now I don't even know if we can make our house payment and afford his treatments. They tell you that treatment will never be refused....BULLSHIT!! pay your copay or no treatment today!

I had a wonderful family friend that offered to step up and help TJ & I so I was very fortunate. I paid her back after TJ passed but I know not all are so lucky to have a special person help them like TJ and I were.

Nobody (until now) knows my reaction that day. When I should have been strong for TJ I was breaking down...when I should have been the one telling him that it was going to be OK, it was him telling me that. He was such a strong man through it all!

If you truly have never been "brought to your knees" it is my wish for you that you never will be. The pain lasts forever.....

TJ was diagnosed on March 13, 2009 and passed on October 25, 2009, he received his one and only disability payment on October 20, 2009.

We survived...no thanks to our Social Security Administration helping a very hard working man!

Am I bitter?.....yep, just a bit

Mid Life Crisis Thoughts

2010-09-28T19:41:00.000-07:00

I wanna have a mid life crisis. TJ did it before he died. He bought a little car to build. Unfortunately he didn't get to finish it & enjoy selling it for a profit before he passed. My girlfriend just bought a Harley. I wanna have a mid life crisis too....it seems like fun.

I just don't know how this mid life crisis thing comes about. I have lots of useless things I would like to buy but I am just too practical and can't justify them to myself. Should I quit trying to justify or quit being practical.

Now I have the fear of an impulse buy that I will regret.

What are your thoughts?

Have you done it? Do you wanna do it?

Sounds like fun doesn't it?

Don't we all deserve to treat ourselves?

Life is short...........

In Memory of Donald Wilhelm

2010-09-14T16:11:00.000-07:00

We lost another great man to cancer this week, Donald Wilhelm. While I only knew Don virtually he touched my life in a profound way. Don was one of the first people I met on twitter when I turned to twitter to help TJ through his cancer treatments. I had a twitter account that was all about horses, but when TJ was diagnosed I ditched that account and started a new one in hopes of finding help for TJ with his treatment side effects. Very few of my "horsey" twitter friends followed me to my new account and in many ways I understood why. When I found Don on twitter he stepped up to the plate right away with suggestions to combat the side effects TJ was experiencing and introduced me to other cancer fighters & survivors in the social media world.

TJ, who often made fun of my being on twitter, soon realized the power of talking to those who had "been there, done that" and many times would say to me, "Get on twitter and find out what to do about this!" I have @DonaldWilhelm to thank for steering me in the right direction early on.

When I met Don he was a 4 time cancer survivor and even wrote a book about his experience you can buy his book here. I highly recommend reading the book. Don was an amazing man, he was an inspiration to everyone, his words of wisdom were beyond his years, his perseverance was unending and most of all his love for his soulmate, Amy, is undying.

After TJ passed I spoke to Don about the many conversations TJ and I had after he was diagnosed preparing me and TJ for the inevitable. He told me that he and Amy had many similar conversations. As I am now comforted by those words spoken between TJ and I it is my hope that with time Amy will be comforted by the conversations between her and Don.

Thank you Don for all you have given to me and countless others and thank you Amy for sharing your wonderful husband with the world.

When Death Comes

When death comes like the hungry bear in autumn;

when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;

when death comes like the measles-pox;

when death comes like an iceberg between the shoulder blades, I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:

what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything as a brotherhood and a sisterhood, and I look upon time as no more than an idea, and I consider eternity as another possibility, and I think of each life as a flower, as common as a field daisy, and as singular, and each name a comfortable music in the mouth tending as all music does toward silence, and each body a lion of courage, and something precious to earth.

When it's over, I want to say: all my life I was a bride married to amazement.

I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it is over, I don't want to wonder if I have made of my life something particular, and real.

I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened, or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.

~ Mary Oliver ~

Don definitely did not just "visit" this world, he had a profound impact on anyone who's life he touched. This was Don's last post (actually posted my Amy) on Facebook and I think it says it all:

I’ve filled my original goal here on earth. It was to spend the remainder of my life helping cancer patients. It seems to be where I found the greatest joy and the most sense of worth. I’m moving up into the next roll. I’ll leave my faithful followers to slip in and fill the gaps. Love to you all and positive energy,

Don Wilhelm

I Spread TJ's Ashes Last Weekend

2010-08-09T18:18:00.000-07:00

I have written before of the conversations TJ & I had after his diagnosis. Many of them involved our past and many involved my future but we also had to discuss his final wishes. He told me what he did and did not want medically speaking, he told me he wanted to be cremated. We even stashed the money in the house for his cremation so it would be available in cash when the time came. While we were very organized in "finalizing his affairs" it hit me one day that he had not told me what to do with his ashes.

When I asked him where he wanted his ashes spread he told me without a moment of hesitation...."The Hideout, I want my ashes spread at The Hideout....do you remember how to get there Sandy?....(me)yes, I think so.....then take Charlie and Mike with you, I don't want you wondering around in the desert on a horse carrying my ashes and crying because you can't find The Hideout". So, The Hideout it was and the conversation was never brought up again.

Since he passed and I really had to think about spreading his ashes for real, I have been thinking..."TJ, WTF! could you have made it any more inconvenient?!..a 3 1/2 hour drive to the shack then a 45 minute horseback ride to the hideout!!" For those that don't know, we own 10 acres in southeastern AZ that we built 2 "shacks" on and set up horse pens. This property was to be for our retirement home but meanwhile we wanted to use it with our friends. The land borders state land and is only about 1/4 mile from National Forest.....beautiful riding country.

"The Shack" or "Love Shack" as TJ preferred to call it! We have to haul water and there is no electricity, but TJ built wood burning stoves for each one for warmth in the winter.

I just like this picture so I threw it in. TJ is in the roundpen with Arnie. We bought Arnie as a weanling and I trained him for TJ....he turned out to be a really good horse!!

We have lots of friends that wanted to be involved in the spreading of TJ's ashes at the hideout but I just didn't feel like having a big party at the shack so I chose one friend to go with me and not tell anyone else. I borrowed a horse trailer (we sold ours when TJ got sick for medical bills) and last Friday after work I loaded up both of my mules and all 3 of my dogs and headed to the shack. On Saturday morning we saddled up and headed to the hideout.

When we arrived I went inside alone....talked to TJ for a moment and spread his ashes. While it was a sad moment for me it was also very heartwarming that I was fulfilling his final wish and knowing it was what he wanted did my heart good. We rode back to the shack in silence.

I am sure all of you reading this are saying....."What the heck is the hideout?" Here is the story. It was the early 1900's and the Powers brothers (2 of them) went to town to register for the draft. The postman told them they did not need to register and that he would contact them when it was time for them to serve. He did this because there was a mining claim on their father's property that was in demand. The postmaster then went to the sheriff and told him the brothers refused to register. The sheriff gathered a couple of his deputies and went to the Powers' ranch. The father came out of the house first and was killed by the deputies. The brothers continued to fight it out and eventually escaped the property. One brother had an eye wound so as they headed south in Arizona they needed to hole up for a bit to heal. Where they holed up is known as "The Hideout". They then continued their trek south, heading for the Mexico border. They were apprehended before making it to the border and both were sent to prison.

This is not a story you will find in your history book but is very well known by the locals down in that area. "The Hideout" is still pristine as it is very hard to find if you don't know what you are looking for and is at the base of the Dragoon Mountains. Upon entering you can even see the hole in the top that was cut out for fire smoke to escape through.

TJ loved the local history so this place was very close to his heart and he enjoyed taking friends there and telling the story to them. I was proud to spread his ashes there knowing how pristine it is and I can always think of him being in a place he dearly loved.

If you look closely you can see the door to "The Hideout" in his picture. That is all the pictures I will post as I want this place to continue to be as undisturbed in the future as it is now.

I chose this past weekend to spread his ashes because today would have been his 50th birthday. I threw a big party for him on his 40th and we had planned on having another one for his 50th....TJ loved celebrating his birthday!! I thought it would be nice to put him to rest on his birthday weekend....I still celebrated him, just in a different way than I had planned.

I Love You TJ......Happy Birthday!

If I had known my heart would break, I would have loved you anyway.

A Little Puppies & Ice Cream

2010-08-03T18:12:00.000-07:00

When I am talking to someone that has not read my blog and I am giving them the address for the first time I always tell them...."the past year of my life hasn't been exactly perfect so my blog is not all puppies & ice cream, but it is raw me".

My last few posts have not been the happiest but I do want everyone to know that I am enjoying my new life so I thought I would post just a few fun pictures for a change.

In February I went to "The Shack" with some friends to pick up a few of my horse panels. This is a picture of Dave & Dena's pet monkey "Angel". Angel loves her beer and she is eyeing me to make sure I am not going to take it from her.

This was the last time I entertained at the old house. A few of my girlfriends came over for a little bit of dinner and lots of wine. If I recall...5 of us drank 9 bottles of wine! We had a fantastic time! TJ and I entertained a lot in that house so I have to admit it was bittersweet.

Dena & Larissa came over for the first swim in the pool. The water was still pretty cold but we were determined to get in and have a drink at the table.

I had the honor of hosting Michele's 60th birthday party! Another fantastic day with great friends.

Dena had called me one Friday night to see what the weekend was to hold and caught me in a pretty dark place. I told her I didn't want any company but she and her husband Dave ignored me and came out, even picking up Larissa on the way. So much for spending a night wallowing in self pity....instead we all spent until the wee hours of the morning in the pool drinking.

I have said it before and I will say it again.....I have the best friends in the world and I love you all very much!

This includes my blogging friends as well as my twitter friends who are always there for me too...I love all of you very much also!

I Love You Mom!

2010-08-01T11:51:00.000-07:00

JoAnna Fay Bolton

July 17, 1931 - July 28, 2010

Mark, Mom, Alberta & Sandy

Thanksgiving of 2005 my sister, Alberta, bought these "Mom Likes Me Best" shirts for all of us siblings to wear. We all got a kick out of it as did Mom. The fact was...Mom did like all of us best and we all knew it.

I am going to miss you Mom. I love you!

Mom Update

2010-07-23T17:45:00.000-07:00

Mom has taken a turn for the worse. Her condition has deteriorated and she is unable to breathe on her own. The doctor told me our options are either life support or hospice. Mom never wanted life support so hospice it is. My sister and brother are flying to Arizona Saturday (tomorrow) and we will be moving Mom to hospice. Hospice tells me that even though we are pushing oxygen into her the body is not using or distributing it properly. She is expected to last only a few days once moved to hospice.

Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers.

I'm Tired

2010-07-21T19:23:00.000-07:00

I realized this week that I learned something when TJ was sick. I learned to pack myself a "hanging at the hospital" bag quickly & without much thought. My bag contains: 1) laptop, power cord & air card 2) cell phone & charger 3) Kindle & charger 4) iPod, ear buds & charger 5) notebook & multiple pens 6) water bottle 7) snacks

Tuesday morning the nursing home called me at 3:00 am to tell me they were sending my Mom to the ER for shortness of breath and confusion. I packed my "hanging at the hospital" bag and took off, no animals fed and no shower for me. Good news is they admitted Mom with a diagnosis of pneumonia and she is expected to be fine in a few days.

I cried all the way to the hospital. I wasn't crying for my Mom, we have been through this with her before and I really felt like she was going to be OK. I was crying for myself. I was crying because I am tired. I am tired of the drama in my life. I am tired of being at a hospital. I am tired and don't really know how much more I can take. I was crying because it brought back all the memories of taking TJ to the hospital. I was crying because I realized that some of my strength died with TJ. I used to be strong and organized in situations like this but now I was falling apart?!

Once I got to the ER I began going through the motions; talking to the doctors, nurses & comforting Mom. But I really felt like I was truly just going through the motions, the passion and compassion was gone. WTF!! This is my Mother for good grief! When she fell & broke her hip & had to go to a rehab center I did my research and found the best place possible. When she refused to do rehab and ended up in a nursing home I made sure it was a nice place & the care was above par. She is in one of the nicest facilities in town. But now, that passion is gone. Gone with TJ.

I'm sorry Mom....I'm tired

Just Breathe

2010-07-17T12:06:00.000-07:00

Just Breathe...easier said than done sometimes. When I was a little girl my Mother insisted that all of us kids take swimming lessons. I was the only stubborn one. She enrolled me in class after class and I refused to learn. Looking back I have no idea what I was thinking. When I finally passed I thought all was good but not for my Mother. She took me to the local High School (Ben Davis) and asked the coach to watch me swim. I got in the olympic sized pool and swam a lap while they both looked on. When I finished I heard the coach say to my Mother "she just swam that entire lap without taking one breath!" My Mother said, "can you teach my daughter how to breathe?" He did and I went on to become a good strong swimmer thanks to the persistance of my Mother.

I remembered this story when a twitter friend of mine mentioned that she needed to learn how to breathe while doing pilates. I guess we all need to learn how to breathe and yet we take it for granted on a day to day basis.

I am not talking about those moments in life that take your breath away like seeing the beauty in a rainbow, having the one you love tell you he/she loves you for the very first time or even sharing a joyous moment with a good friend. What I am talking about is the devastation that we endure throughout our lives that takes our breath away. This might be learning of a friend's suicide in high school, hearing (out of the blue) you spouse tell you he/she wants a divorce, learning about a friend's life altering medical diagnosis or putting your pet of 15 years down so he no longer is suffering.

The day that really took my breath away was the first day TJ & I met with his oncologist. He did not want to tell TJ his prognosis but TJ insisted he tell him. The doctor sat down in a chair next to TJ's hospital bed and said to us "This is exceptionally difficult for me because you & I are the same age. There is a less than 5% chance you will be around a year from now. Make sure your affairs are in order." That took my breath away like no other moment in my life has or ever will! Somehow I managed to eek out a "thank you" to the doc as he walked out the door..thanks for what I don't know but at the time it seemed an appropriate thing to say. TJ & I both were so stunned that neither one of us could speak or even cry. I curled up in bed with him and for a good 30 minutes nothing was said. What is there to say at that point? We knew it was cancer and we knew it was bad, but we kept telling ourselves that people beat the odds all the time, but that was before we were told the odds we were up against. When I finally was able to breathe again I got out of his hospital bed and went over to the window, I still did not know what to say to him.

So, next time you are in a pilates class, swimming, exercising in general or are faced with something in life that is devastating....just breathe.

To have become a deeper man is the privilege of those who have suffered ~ Oscar Wilde

Life in a Small Town

2010-06-24T16:57:00.000-07:00

As most of you know I live in Apache Junction, AZ and it is a fairly small town. I fell in love with this town years ago and when I moved back to AZ in 1994 I knew this was where I wanted to settle. I had to get an apartment in the neighboring town of Mesa because at the time I had a black lab and couldn't find anything in AJ that would allow my dog. I moved here in May of 1994 and met TJ in December of that year. Well, in 1995 when my lease was up TJ was living with me and I informed him that I was moving to AJ. He didn't want to live here at first but came with me anyway and fell in love with the town too.

There are ups and downs to living in a small town. I have met wonderful people here that have become the best friends anyone could ask for. People in a small town will band together like no others to help anyone with anything. When TJ got sick people came out of the woodwork to help us & when I moved I had more help than I needed. The emotional support is there also.

When TJ was diagnosed he asked me where I was going to move to when he was gone. I said, "I am not going anywhere....I am staying right here in good ole' Apache Junction!!"

Although I love it here I have been under intense scrutiny since TJ passed away. What house did she buy?....who has been over there helping her (mostly referring to the males that helped me)?.... how many times has he been there?...is something going on between them?....I saw her talking to A, B & C at the bar is she seeing one of them? FOR GOOD GRIEF PEOPLE! GET A LIFE OTHER THAN MINE!!! I am not the one that died and it is OK for me to continue with my life. Oh, and yes, I have male friends that have helped me....is this a crime?

The way I see it we tend to separate people into groups because it is safe and simple. By doing this we know what to expect of them and it is therefore easier to interact with them. I now don't fit into any predetermined group and it obviously throws many people off.

I am guilty of this too but as I think about it I find it sad that we categorize people in this manner. These preconceived ideas about how a person should behave do not allow us to really get to know each as an individual. We are too busy trying to put them in the box we perceive them to belong in. When TJ died nobody had a box for me and I think the scrutiny comes from trying to find out which box to put me in now.

Not very long ago I had a friend, who was not happy with me at the moment, say to me, "tell my why we are friends?" At the time I just laughed but I want to be able to sincerely answer that question at the drop of a hat about all my friends and that will require getting to know many of my friends all over again.

I have decided to dump all my friends out of the little boxes I have put them in and focus on them as individuals. Each and everyone of them has come into my life for a reason and I know in time that reason will surface. Some I already know why they are in my life but others I have yet to discover the true meaning of our friendship.

Friendship isn't about whom you have known the longest...It is about who came and never left your side.

RIP Dobie

2010-06-14T18:19:00.000-07:00

The Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together....

Author Unknown..

I am sure TJ was there waiting for Dobie....they were such good buddies!

I miss you both

Happy Anniversary TJ

2010-05-30T12:07:00.000-07:00

Today is our anniversary. TJ was so happy that I finally agreed to marry him after being together for almost 16 years. I did everything to make sure the last 7 months of his life was everything he wanted.

I used to believe in forever.....but forever was too good to be true. ~ Pooh

New House Pictures

2010-05-24T16:16:00.000-07:00

I really put some time in this weekend thinking about what I could do a post on and came up with nothing. That is, until I remembered that I have yet to post pictures of the house I bought. It was a repo and I got it really cheap so it is nothing spectacular but it is good enough for me and my animals and frankly at this point in my life that is all that matters. I tore out all the flooring and my girlfriend, Dana, did stained concrete floors for me. I love them and they are so easy to keep clean. You can check out her website here. The pictures were taken by my cousins when they came out for 4 days at the end of March. We had not seen or even spoken for over 20 years but had a fantastic time. I still have a ton of work to do on the house but my theory is that it will get done when it gets done.....no worries. Like I have said, some things just aren't as important to me as they used to be. When I have opportunities to be with friends or family all work stops on the house until I have time to get back to it. I guess since I have a pool not much will get done this summer but I will pick back up again this winter.

The picture below is of my little "memorial" to TJ in the entry area. The hat is the one he was wearing the night I met him (December 15, 1994), the rattlesnake skin is one we killed in the back yard at the other house and he skinned, the metal piece is our brand that he welded for us and was on the top of a light post in the arena at the other house, and of course, one of my favorite pictures of him.....Damn he was a good looking guy!!!!

My cousin, Leslie, probably be won't be too happy about this picture being on the blog but it was the only picture of the kitchen (notice that I still need to install my hardware).

As a last note....Dobie, the little chihuahua, has been really sick for the past week. Everything he eats goes straight through him (really glad to have concrete floors right now!!!) and he has lost about 2 pounds. When you only weigh 7 pounds that is quite a bit to lose. Today he seems just a little bit better so I am going to give it a couple more days and then I might take him to the vet. Keep your fingers crossed for him!!

DGIs

2010-05-17T18:09:00.000-07:00

I find myself often thinking about what I went through with TJ after his diagnosis. I have replayed the multitude of conversations we had over and over again in my mind. His prognosis was poor from the beginning and although he was determined to fight the cancer he also knew in his heart that it was a death sentence for him. And while that my sound like a horrible thing to say TJ & I both were very realistic. We discussed all the things we had done together, we reviewed in detail our last 16 years together. The good, the bad, and the ugly as we liked to call it. We talked in detail about my life after he was gone. Where would I live, how I would get by without him, who I could call to help with different things. He even told me specific people he did not want me to date (what a goof! but we had a good belly laugh with that conversation). We hoped that things were going to turn out different than they did but we planned for the worst. His main concern was that I was going to be OK.

TJ was only 49 when he left me and it really made me realize some things about life. The whole thing changed me. It changed me a whole lot actually. Some don't see the change in me while others do. I feel it in myself every day. Oh, I am still the same person basically, I still believe in the same things, I still have the same interests and I still have my friends. But, it is a change deep inside that is really hard to explain.

Often I know people see it when they say to me, "what is wrong with you tonight?" I usually come up with some BS answer to blow them off because it is at that point that I know they are a DGI (don't get it). I know this doesn't mean they don't care, it just means that they don't understand. My world is different now and theirs is still going down the same path. Somewhere my life took a wrong turn and I ended up in a front end collision at 100 mph. My future has been altered, I have to find a new route to take and it is not easy. I am not seriously injured but the scars will last a lifetime even thought they might not be visible to all who cross my path. Little things do not matter to me at all anymore. Some events in life are bigger than most can imagine and it makes everything else seem so small and unimportant.

Yes, I have lots of DGIs in my life and I still love them but what I really appreciate are the ones who do GET IT. They are the ones who see the change in me and not only accept it but embrace it and cheer me after every hurdle I clear, they respect TJ and his memory and know that I am doing exactly what he wanted me to do, they don't sit in judgement but sit beside me pushing, and, yes, sometimes shoving me forward. They are the ones that have grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me in the right direction and are there when I get off course to help me find my way.

We all have some form of DGIs in our lives. They may be a good friend, a family member, even a spouse or a sibling and it doesn't mean they don't love you it is just that they DON'T GET IT. Don't turn your back on them just realize ...... you may be a DGI to them.

I'm BAAAAACK !!!!!!!!

2010-04-22T17:43:00.000-07:00

My original intention was to just take a month off from blogging and it obviously got out of control. So much has changed since I last updated everyone so I will keep it short for now and elaborate later.

Life sucks without TJ and I really miss him, some days are worse than others.

Having said that I really am adjusting fairly well and kinda like living alone for a change. Well, most days anyway.

TJ was convinced his family would give me lots of trouble but I have not heard a peep from his kids or his sister and only 1 nasty email from his father. What a pleasant surprise!

Just this week I got TJ's truck running again. Took a while because there was so much to get repaired on it but finally it is reliable transportation again.

Got the old Ford running just in time for my truck to break down!! It is a fairly inexpensive fix (center carrier bearing) but nonetheless it seems like it is always something. Parking the GMC and driving Ford now until I have time to tear it apart and fix it. I hate wrenching on vehicles but I hate even more to pay someone for something I can do myself. Another reason to miss TJ because he would always do that stuff for me.

I moved out of our home of 14 years. The payment was making me house poor and it just sucked living like that. I really didn't want to leave but making the payment on my own was just too much of a struggle financially and left me with no extra $$ left over every month. TJ & I knew it would be tough for me to stay there so we had everything set up so that I could walk away should I need to.

I moved out closer to the mountain and my expenses are $500 a month less even with more land. I will post pictures at a later date.

I couldn't decide if I should continue to wear my wedding rings or not, then someone told me this: "Those rings are a symbol of yours & TJ's intention to spend the rest of your lives together, you don't get to spend the rest of your life with him but he spent the rest of his with you". I am still wearing my rings.

I had a hive of Africanized Killer Bees in my yard!! They are dead now but that was major drama for a few days.

Most inportantly I want to thank all my friends for their help and support over the past year and then some. There is no way I would have survived this without my friends!!

The move would not have gone so smoothly without the help of my friends either. You all know who are and I hope you know that our friendship is priceless to me.

I am glad to be back in the blogging world and I have missed many of my blogger friends also.

Christmas 2009 aka My First Christmas In 16 Years Without TJ

2009-12-28T18:40:00.000-07:00

TJ and I quit exchanging Christmas presents years ago so my Christmas morning started out quite normal....with the dogs opening their Christmas presents.

I then went to a friend's home for a wonderful prime rib Christmas dinner. The food was great but the conversation among friends was even better.

Even my friend's dog, Tank, found the treats to be almost irresistible. He is a very well behaved guy so he managed to restrain himself.

Poor little Skeeter, unlike Tank, has to be picked up to get a sneak peek at the fantastic food. I really think he is asking for just a little bite in this picture.

All in all it was a great day and really made me feel blessed to have such wonderful and caring friends. Another "first" behind me and without much struggle at all. Having said that though, I really missed TJ on Christmas and all day long I had memories of the times we spent Christmas down at "The Shack" or "Love Shack" as TJ preferred to call it. Those were the most special of times and really the best times I had at Christmas ever and I don't think another Christmas could hold a candle to waking up in the shack with TJ by my side ready to spend an entire day together.....just him and I....and how we so loved each other's company.

Merry Christmas TJ !

I Thought It Would Be A Difficult Night For Me

2009-12-24T20:22:00.000-07:00

Wrong!!!! My sister and her friend sprung Mom from the nursing home and brought her to my house for Christmas Eve dinner. My family has never been big on family get togethers on any holiday and we never had big Christmas celebrations. Tonight reminded me of why.

Mom has been in a nursing home for over 3 years now and is really going downhill in her health. She is having a much more difficult time transferring from her wheelchair and now seems very out of touch with reality.

Tonight during dinner she made a very nasty comment to my sister. I can blow these things off and attribute it to old age but it made my sister livid. As I looked across the table at my sister (who I know very well and am very close to) I could see the string of curse words forming in her head. I immediately said "no...stop it", her friend said "it is Christmas!" My sister scaled back her rebuttal but still told Mom how she felt. I am just glad that it was scaled back although I don't even think Mom realised what my sister had just said to her.

All families argue and are different. TJ's family was totally fake nice to your face and stabbed you in the back as soon as you walked out the front door, my family lets you know how they feel up front and sometimes it isn't pretty. Holidays with his family were just miserable but I suppose it would be miserable for an outsider to spend a holiday with my family. TJ and I usually tried to leave town at Christmas so we didn't have to be with either family and could just be alone at our property down south.

I thought tonight would be a difficult night for me but after that exchange at dinner I am fine....I am grateful for the peace and quiet.....kinda like what TJ and I would have on Christmas eve at the property. Tomorrow I will be spending the day with friends, my sister will be spending her day with friends also and Mom will be back in her safety zone, it should be a good day for everyone.

LIFE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT TO BE WONDERFUL!

Friends & The Yard Sale

2009-12-18T19:37:00.000-07:00

Yard Sale time finally arrived!! I invited my grilfriends over on Thursday night to help me price & organize for the sale. Well.....after a little too much wine we just had to experiment with the Nordic Track that Debbie brought over to sell. That turned out to provide some good laughs and thankfully none of us got hurt!

If you have never tried a Nordic Track I advise against it. Unless, of course, you are extremely coordinated. Regardless of the Nordic Track fun we managed to get everything priced and ready to go for the next morning. I stayed up too late on Thursday night and drank a wee bit too much wine but was still able to get the sale going at daybreak with help from my friend Debbie. We had a good sale day today and are doing it again tomorrow. Although, tomorrow the morning should be quite a bit easier on both of us.

Hopefully we will have nothing left at the end of the day tomorrow.

Does This Belong In The House Or In The Garage?

2009-12-16T19:18:00.000-07:00

I haven't felt up to par all week so I decided to just take it easy tonight and repaint my nails. First thing I have to do is remove the old polish from my nails. I use acetone for this and this is how my journey through TJ memories began tonight.

Acetone (among other things) was a constant sharing between TJ and I. When he would run out of acetone in the garage he would come get mine out of the bathroom. Next time I needed it I would be in the garage looking for his!! The dremel tool was the other thing that he kept taking out in the garage. I use it to remove the last little bit of soaked off nails when I am getting a new set and lo and behold... every time I needed my darn dremel tool it would be missing and sure enough I would find it in the garage. Nail files too....Yes, nail files! He used them to sand in tight places on his car, I used them for the intended purpose. Often when I was making a run to the beauty supply store he would ask me to pick him up a few of the really coarse nail files. So, when I would run out I was always out in the garage borrowing nail files from him. I could go on and on about things that we used interchangeably between the garage and house but I am sure you get the idea.

Tonight though, I found the acetone in the garage, my dremel tool was in the bathroom and there was a brand new, never used nail file in the garage!! Made me smile just thinking of TJ and how he was always draggin stuff out into the garage only to have me dragging it back into the house to use.

We shared everything, our love for our friends, our love for our animals and our love for each other. I miss him.

Blogging Family / Community

2009-12-12T08:10:00.000-07:00

It has been a rough year for me as you all know. When I began my blog it was a simple way to keep everyone informed of how TJ's treatment was progressing. It has served that purpose and more!!

I had no idea of how I would become part of a community that would come to be so important to me. I had no idea of the friendships I would develop with people from all over the world. I had no idea that I would wake up on a Saturday morning and find that one of those friends had dedicated a blog post to me! I am grateful to be a part of this community and thankful for the special friendships that have developed.

Please check out JarieLyn's post that she did just for me. Jarielyn is one of many that has been a faithful follower, has left the most wonderful encouraging comments and has become a friend through blogging. She only lives about 8 hours away so I am sure down the road there will be a visit in person! Thank you JarieLyn!

Oh yeah, the name of her blog is awesome too ..... Write Place! Write Chick!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone.

I Don't Know Which Is Worse

2009-12-10T20:47:00.000-07:00

Two days ago I received a Christmas card in the mail that was addressed to TJ & Sandy Webb. OK, obviously this is someone who knows that TJ & I got married but doesn't know that TJ is gone. Turned out to be from friends of ours that I obviously forgot to call when TJ died, so now I feel really bad that they don't know and I can't find their phone number. Guess I should just stop by their house and let them know what has happened with TJ. Funny though how it affected me to see a Christmas card addressed to both TJ & I, yet I have been seeing that for years.

Today I received a Christmas card in the mail addressed to just me. Just me....no TJ....had they forgotten TJ?!?! How weird does this look!!!! Neither TJ nor I have received individual cards for years, they always came addressed to both of us! This was obviously from someone who knows what is going on but nonetheless it was still my first individual Christmas card and just seemed very odd to me.

I am glad to have this obstacle behind me. I always wonder when the next one is going to pop up and what it will be. I don't blog about all of them but believe me there are lots of "firsts" and each and every one causes me to pause ... take a step back ... take a deep breath ... then... TAKE TWO STEPS FORWARD. Gotta compensate for that step back that I took!!

Mondays Are Never Good

2009-12-07T19:10:00.000-07:00

Not a good way to start the week. This truck belongs to my boss and both he and his passenger walked away. I really think they are both pretty lucky especially the way that roof was smashed in.

Rainy and cold today so when I got home from work I did some administrative stuff. Called our lawyer for an appointment, completed some TJ paperwork and finally made my appointments to follow up with the lumps they found in my breast back in the beginning of September. I am glad TJ set things up the way he did to protect me from the crazies but the darn paperwork is extensive, although probably less hassle than if he had not done what he did so I guess I should not snivel.

Those of you that are regular readers know about my breast issues and because of TJ starting to go downhill at that time I was never able to follow up like I should have. Mentally I think I am more able to handle this now than I was then so it is just as well. Back then I was so afraid of being sick and not able to care for TJ. TJ was afraid he wasn't going to be around to take care of me. The whole thought of it stressed us both out!! Here he was going downhill fast and he was still bothering me to go get the MRI that the breast surgeon wanted me to get. I was finally able to convince him that the MRI could wait and our focus needed to be on keeping him comfortable.

Watching the weather...was planning my garage sale this week but might push it off for a week because of the crummy weather. We will see.

Fantastic Weekend !!!!!

2009-12-06T19:28:00.000-07:00

I had an especially good weekend. I have been so wrapped up in getting ready for the yard sale that my weekends have been consumed with going through the garage and house and keeping to the strict schedule I put myself on. Well......I basically took this weekend off.

Like I had mentioned in my previous post, my sister and I had plans to bake on Saturday. Every year in the past I have always baked for TJ's sake. He loved all that candy, cookies, etc. that I made. This year I wasn't going to bake since he is no longer here for me to bake for. I am glad though that my sister changed my mind. We had a fabulous time together on Saturday. So many of the things we baked reminded me of TJ and how much he loved his sweets, especially chocolate. What is even better though is that now when I think of him I smile instead of cry. My memories are more of the good times and things we did together and not how sick and in horrible pain he was before he died. I feel really good about moving on and being able to smile when I think of TJ instead of being in misery.

Back to the baking, I ended up doing some of it on Friday night and since in the past I have always baked by myself I really enjoyed it. Then my sister and I baked from 9:30 to about 2:30 on Saturday and it was great quality time with her. We got to do lots of talking about TJ and just other sister stuff.

Saturday night I visited with some friends and had a good chat about miscellaneous stuff. Today it was really cold outside so instead of working in the garage I just goofed off in the house. I accomplished some stuff but was in no hurry to do anything and it was nice.

I am ending my weekend curled up on the couch with my laptop getting caught up on reading blogs......it doesn't get any better than that for sure!!!

LIFE IS GOOD TODAY !!!!!!!!!!!!

FlyingWG Christmas

2009-12-03T18:42:00.000-07:00

Here is the FlyingWG that some of you have asked about. The "W" stands for TJ's last name and the "G" stood for my last name before we were married. When we got married I changed my name per TJ's request. FlyingWG is a registered brand in the state of Arizona so down the road I can use it should I choose to. My sister took this picture the night we celebrated TJ's life. What a beautiful sunset we had that night. Did someone have something to do with that? Well, depending on your beliefs maybe or maybe not but either way we had a beautiful evening to celebrate his life.

I am not much of a Christmas person and often times I did not even decorate for Christmas. This year though I decided to decorate and I made this decision for 2 reasons.....#1 was simply because I am planning a yard sale soon and wanted to go through all my Christmas stuff and put in the yard sale what I no longer wanted but most importantly #2 was because I didn't want my friends and family to think I was too depressed to decorate for Christmas and start feeling sorry for me. I know how people are and I could just hear the talk behind my back...."she didn't even put up a Christmas tree...how sad...she must really be having a rough Christmas season....etc." So, once again, I remind all of you that I am fine!! Yes, I have moments but they are just that and pass very quickly. Mostly it seems to be music that gets to me, which means that moments happen in my truck on my way to or from work. The song you are listening to now (how many of you are turning on your speakers now??...LOL) is one that hit me kinda hard the other day but of course it passed just as quickly as it hit me.

Right now I am looking forward to doing Christmas baking with my sister on Saturday. She moved to Arizona the end of September and my life has been crazy since she has been here and we haven't had much of a chance to spend time together so it should be fun.

Are You A Pack Rat?

2009-11-27T19:38:00.000-07:00

If you are one of those that answer yes to the above question then I plead with you to make the following New Year's Resolutions. Also, if you answered no but people have told you that you are then these resolutions are for you too.

1. STOP, STOP IT NOW!!!

2. Go through all the stuff you have accumulated and have a giant yard sell, give to charity, anything......just get rid of the stuff you no longer need.

With TJ gone I now have the burden of going through all of the stuff he/we accumulated over the past 16 years. I like to think that I am not a pack rat but I of course have too much stuff too, it just happens to be different stuff than what TJ saved. You know, girlie stuff ..... shoes .... clothes .... jewelry, etc. All of which the excess will be in the yard sale or going to charity. TJ's stuff on the other hand is almost overwhelming to me. These pictures are what the garage looked like after bringing all the boxes down out of the attic.

Tell me.......where the heck do you start when it looks like that!!!! Well, what I did was just dig in and hit it hard. I pretty much got it done today but I worked at it all day and I am exhausted. I threw away so much stuff it was unbelievable. Some stuff I put in boxes to ship to his Father and Sister and some stuff in boxes to ship to his kids. I probably have 4 to 6 boxes to ship. I hope to get them packed properly over the weekend and ship at least some of them next week. This is going to cost me a fortune in shipping so I don't think I will do it all at once.

Moral of the story? Someone, be it your spouse, significant other, parents or your kids will have to sort through all your stuff when you are gone, so try to make it as easy on them as possible.

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T07:16:00.000-07:00

Since I don't have to cook today I have the time to do a quick Thanksgiving post. So to all my American friends and family Happy Thanksgiving and to those of you in other parts of the world I hope you just have an exceptional day.

When I first woke up this morning I really thought that this year I have absolutely nothing to be thankful for. But, as I sat and thought about that I quickly realized how that could not be further from the truth. Heck, was I not surrounded (in my bed even) by 4 dogs that love me unconditionally! I have family that lives close by and some in other parts of the country, but no matter where they are I know they are thinking of me and are grateful for me as I am grateful for them. Then of course there are my friends....many of whom went out of their way to invite me to their homes today. All of which are very concerned that I not be home alone today. Now, that is really something to be grateful for!! And those of you in blogland, your encouraging words really mean a lot to me and I am grateful to call all of you my friends and be a part of this wonderful community.

First time in 15 years that I have not cooked so it is kinda odd today for me but then again kinda nice not to have the stress. I really like leftover turkey so I bought a turkey breast to cook either today or tomorrow depending on how much time I spend visiting friends.

Happy Thanksgiving all and if I am able to find things to be thankful for today I know all of you can.....have a wonderful day with family and friends!!

I'm Movin' On

2009-11-23T19:38:00.001-07:00

First, I want to thank all my faithful blog followers that have stuck with me through this tough time. A special shout out to Pauline, your emails and comments have really inspired me to return to blogging, I too feel we have developed a special connection even though we have never met and your continued concern for me warms my heart more than you know. But, I am back to let everyone know that:

I'M MOVING ON !!!!!!!!!!!

I am done with this mourning stuff. I have read that people in the past would mourn for a year and wear black the whole time. What is up with that?!?! I know for a fact (we had time to discuss this) that TJ wants me to go on with my life and not mope around. Yes, I do run across things that are sentimental while cleaning out the house but the crying is over as well as the mourning. I spent 7 months consumed by cancer and taking care of TJ. I gave him what he wanted in the end. He was home, in our bed, and I was by his side holding his hand. I take a lot of comfort in that and feel that there was no more that I could have done for him. Well, it is finally my turn to take care of me and only me. I no longer have to answer to anyone and frankly I think I am kinda liking it.

Having said all that I am not saying that I no longer miss TJ or think about him. I do miss him and he is often in my mind. One of my personal coping mechanisms is when I begin to get depressed or sad about him being gone I think of something I did not like about him or about fights we had or about how he become a different person the last 3 years we were together. The last 3 years he turned to a different interest and even started hanging with new friends. I really missed him and the man that I fell in love with 16 years ago. Fortunately, after his cancer diagnosis, he came back to me and once again was ready (when he got well) to return to our old lifestyle. I was really hoping that would be a reality but deep inside I knew different and so did he. On good days we would walk the property, discuss repairs that must be made before bringing horses in, and talk about the old times with horses. He couldn't wait to get better, finish that car, sell it, and reinvest in horses again. Even though I knew that he was not going to get better, as did he, I was just happy to have my old TJ back again. The real TJ that I so very much loved.

Still Trudging Through the Week Hour By Hour

2009-11-05T10:24:00.001-07:00

Well, it is not always hour by hour, sometimes it is even minute by minute. At times it feels like TJ is just on a trip and will be returning home any day now, but then something will happen or a thought will pop into my head and I come to the realization that he is not coming home any time soon or for that matter ever. This reality really hit me yesterday when they called from the mortuary to let me know his ashes were ready for me to pick up. When I hung up from that phone call I felt like I had hit a block wall with full force. The reality of what has happened brought me to my knees like it has not yet done. I realized that he will never be home again and that I am alone for now and for the foreseeable future. The sheer emotion of it all just coarsed through my entire body and I was frozen with fear. I felt utterly helpless and literally sick to my stomach. Fortunately this like all the other emotions I go through passed with a little bit of time. I don't know when I will go pick up his ashes but it will be within the next week and hopefully I have more of a grip on what has happened to my life.

I am supposed to go back to work on Monday but I am not sure that I am ready. I am still very emotionally unstable and don't know if I can handle it yet. I want to, but I am thinking another week of working from home would do me some good. Will have to talk to my boss about that.

In spite of the emotional roller coaster I have been on something wonderful happened to me today courtesy of my fellow blogger, Pauline from The Paddock, she has given me an award. If you frequently read my comments then you are familiar with her. She has left the kindest words for me and even when TJ was so terribly ill and I did not blog for a few weeks she emailed me to let me know TJ & I were in her thoughts.

Part of accepting this particular award is that you have to give one word answers to a series of questions and chose 6 other bloggers to pass the award along to. The questions are kinda silly but first I want to list my 6 bloggers and in no particular order and no particular reason other than the fact that I enjoy reading their blogs.

Daria - Living With Cancer
Jane - A journey of Another Kind
Bill - Cancer Can Suck It
WhiteStone - Wanna Walk Along
Shabby Girl - A Fish's Beach Wishes
Deb - My Husband's Cancer RCC

Now for the silly questions:

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2. Your Hair? Curly
3. Your Mother? Crazy
4. Your Father? Deceased
5. Your Favorite Food? Mexican
6. Your Dream Last Night? None
7. Your Favorite Drink? Wine
8. Your Dream/Goal? Dunno
9. What Room Are You In? Home Office
10. Your Hobby? Animals
11. Your Fear? Future
12. Where Do You Want To Be In 6 Years? Dunno
13. Where Were You Last Night? Hitchin Post
14. Something That You Aren't? Secure
15. Muffins? What???
16. Wish List Item? Kindle2
17. Where Did You Grow Up? Indiana
18. Last Thing You Did? Phone
19. What Are You Wearing? Jeans
20. Your TV? Old
21. Your Pets? Awesome!!!
22. Friends? Many
23. Your Life? Uncertain
24. Your Mood? Sad
25. Missing Someone? Hell Yes !!!!
26. Vehicle? GMC
27. Something You're Not Wearing? Shoes
28. Your Favorite Store? Feed
29. Your Favorite Color? Purple
30. When Was The Last Time You Laughed? Last Night
31. Last Time You Cried? Today
32. Your Best Friend? More than 1
33. One Place That I Go To Over & Over? Mountains
34. One Person Who Emails Me Regularly? Father-In-Law
35. Favorite Place To Eat? Home

I Am Actually OK

2009-11-01T18:33:00.001-07:00

Well, it has been 1 week since losing TJ and I think all things considered I am doing OK. He did not want a traditional service; he wanted me to have a party so that is exactly what I did. Friday night beginning at 6:00 PM we began a celebration of TJ's life and boy was it a celebration. I know over 100 people were here throughout the night and lots of TJ stories being told. I put together a DVD of pictures to play continously on the TV and everyone was mesmerized by it. Although it brought lots of tears from men and women alike it also brought back many good memories of TJ and his love for life itself. I was overwhelmed by the mere number of people who showed up to celebrate his life and offer support to me.

As for me I think I am doing pretty much OK. I do have my moments but they pass. Tonight I burnt my steak that I cooked for myself on the grill.....TJ always cooked my steaks perfectly......I cried and cried. It is odd to me that something so minor can bring me to my knees with pain and sorrow. I don't know how long this will last but I do hope it is over soon....I hate the hurt, the pain and most of all I hate the fear. The fear of a very unknown future for myself is overwhelming.

On a brighter note some guys came by today to pick up and return the tables and chairs I borrowed for TJ's party. We had a couple beers together and I asked them to get some boxes down out of the attic for me to go through. I informed them that there were probably only about 8 - 10 boxes so it wouldn't take long. Well.......Mr. Pack Rat himself had a garage full of boxes up there. I had no idea!!!! Some were empty ??!!?? But most seemed to be full of just miscellaneous stuff that should have been tossed quite a while ago. Anyway, we all had quite a laugh at the sheer volume of stuff up there and swore that TJ was laughing at us hauling all of that stuff down out of the attic. In light of this I have decided that my first project is to go through the garage (which is full of attic boxes now). Then I will begin on the rest of the house. I know this will be heartbreaking but it is a task that must be done. Wish me luck!!

TJ Passed Away Yesterday

2009-10-26T09:50:00.000-07:00

TJ passed away on Sunday, October 25 at 1:40 pm. I, of course, was by his side and he was home in our bed where he wanted to be. It was a tough battle for him and he fought very very hard. Unfortunately the end was very painful for him because the cancer had moved into his bones.

He is at peace now and pain free.

Thank you to everyone for their support over the last seven months. I plan to continue blogging but obviously the tone will be a little different in the future.

Rest In Peace TJ, Rest In Peace

Radiation Did Not Get Off To A Good Start

2009-10-06T21:47:00.001-07:00

TJ's radiation appointment was at 7:00 pm tonight and he spent the next hour after we got home vomiting. It is just horrible how he is feeling and it breaks my heart to see him in such a sad state. We are going to talk to the radiation oncologist tomorrow about the extreme pain and nausea. TJ is very quickly approaching throwing in the towel and even though it breaks my heart to think of losing him so soon I understand and respect whatever his decision is. His quality of life is down to zilch and he is in so much pain and now vomiting to boot, this is no kind of life for a human right now; no one should have to suffer the way he is now. Tomorrow his radiation appointment is at 5:10 am and it will be after that we speak to the doctor.

I am only working 4 hours a day so I can get home to take care of TJ but even 4 hours at work seems like an eternity. On one hand it does me good to get away and have my mind on something else but on the other hand TJ is constantly on my mind.

I will update again tomorrow after we talk with the radiation oncologist.

The Cancer is Back

2009-10-04T02:01:00.000-07:00

I have put off writing this post as it seems like even I don't want to accept the facts. This past Tuesday they did a MRI on TJ's spine while he was in the hospital and sure enough the cancer has spread to his spine. As horrible as this sounds I am still ever so slightly optimistic (well, at times I am at least). On Tuesday when they read the MRI report and saw that it was cancer they immediately sent TJ home. Now, he was happy to come home and I was happy to get him home BUT they still did not have his pain managed. They gave us a bunch of prescriptions for pain meds and told us to try different ones until we found one that worked for him!?!?!? For those of you that don't know, cancer in the bones is very painful. At first they had him on a pain patch and after I got him home he spent all day on Wednesday vomiting. Wednesday evening I pulled that pain patch off of him thinking it might be to strong for his gut to handle. Thursday we went back to him taking the hydrocodone which really does not do much for his pain at all.

Friday I decided to switch him to Oxycodone (5mg IMM REL). Now that is some strong stuff! He took 2 of these every four hours all day on Friday. When I got home from work he was sitting on the couch (he has not been out of the bedroom for almost 2 weeks) and said he was feeling pretty good. I can not tell you how happy this made me. All week he was hoping to feel good enough to go to a car show on Friday night and now it looks as though he was going to get to go. He went with a friend of his and I had an evening at home where I didn't have to do anything for anyone. It was wonderful! Don't get me wrong, he is still in pain but on a scale of 1 to 10 he went from being a 10 down to a 4 or 5 and that was a welcome relief.

When we first got the news TJ said no more treatments. But after we talked with the radiation oncologist he has decided to go through with another round of radiation. Dr. Ambrad told us that the chances of him eliminating TJ's pain is 85%. He will treat him with radiation 10 to 15 times and he said the side effects when radiating that part of the spine are minimal; lots of gas and mild diarrhea. There are 3 small cancer spots on his lower spine with the largest of the three being about 1/2" and he seems to think radiation will knock out the cancer and in turn eliminate the pain.

While radiation sounds like it will eliminate TJ's pain and the cancer we are looking at right now I can't get past the fact that it is now in his bones and wondering if it is festering somewhere else and will rear its ugly head again. On the other hand I know that this could just be a temporary set back and we could go for months or even years before it attacks us again.

Meanwhile we are taking an idea from fellow blogger (who just happens to have cancer in his bones too) and fellow Friday Photo Shoot Out member, Barry, and planning a mini vacation. We are going to rent a motor home and go see some stuff in New Mexico. We want to stay fairly close to home and neither one of us has done much in New Mexico so I think it will be fun. We have to get TJ through radiation first though and his Father is driving out from Indiana to stay with us for 3 weeks and then we are taking off. We should head out of here around the first weekend in November. Right now it is keeping us busy and we are having fun just planning it.

Last night (Saturday) we visited some friends for a couple of hours. It was nice to see TJ out 2 nights in a row and I enjoyed being out with him. We have an appointment on Monday with an Ear, Nose & Throat doctor about the constant ringing in his ears and of course he starts radiation next week also. Still nothing tastes good to him so it is a struggle to get him to eat and he is losing weight. I am hoping that this taste thing will pass soon.

I will keep everyone updated on the progress of the radiation treatments. I hope they begin to eliminate the pain very soon!

Battle On TJ, Battle On

TJ Has Been Admitted To The Hospital

2009-09-28T19:42:00.000-07:00

Now before anyone gets hysterical I am to the point that I think this is a good thing. His pain has been so unbearable he needed to be where they can manage his pain. When I left him tonight he was in fairly good spirits and his pain was greatly reduced. He was even smiling and joking with the nurses. He has been so miserable since Saturday that it was nice to see a smile on his face again instead of a grimace.

The plan is to do an MRI tomorrow and find out what the heck is causing all this pain. Hopefully it is something other than the spread of cancer. Everyone please pray and keep your fingers and toes crossed that the cancer has not spread to his spine. I will update when I know something.

By the way, as of now I am doing fine. I have not been sleeping well with him being in such bad pain the last few nights so I plan to hit the hay early and get a good night sleep. When I left the hospital TJ asked me if I was going to be OK at home without him; I told him I will miss him bunches but I will be fine.

Battle On TJ, Battle On

Sunday "Early" Morning in The Emergency Room

2009-09-27T17:05:00.000-07:00

As I have talked about before the pain in TJ's back has been unbearable. On Friday we went to the Oncologist and he does not seem to think it is cancer spread but wants to do an MRI of his spine just to make sure. Also because of his weight loss we have an appointment with a dietitian on Monday afternoon. TJ will also be seeing an Ear, Nose & Throat guy in the near future. We go back to Nabong in 2 weeks for results.

Meanwhile his pain is terrible. Finally, Sunday morning about 1:30 am he admitted he was ready to go to the ER. We were dressed and on the road by 2:00. The ER was fortunately empty so he got in right away. They gave him Dilaudid through his port and out he went immediately. I, on the other hand, was sitting in a chair from hell and could not sleep. When they were sure he was not going to have a reaction to the Dilaudid they sent him home with a script. This stuff is several times stronger than morphine so they only give you a few pills at a time because they don't want you to give them out to friends, family or selling them on the street. My question is who is the hell would be stupid enough to do that!!!!! I guess it happens all the time though, what idiots those people must be!

But, now that we are home all the dilaudid does is knock him out for a couple of hours and when he wakes up the pain is just as bad. The only place he is comfortable is flat on his back in bed. He can't even lay on the couch or sit in one of the chairs in the living room. I feel so bad for him. First thing tomorrow morning I will be calling his Oncologist again. I don't know what is wrong but they have to figure something out.

Short post and very fact oriented but I am tired and need to get some rest. Please hope that we get this figured out and soon!! His attitude is still good but I don't know how much longer that will hold with the kind of pain he is experiencing.

Battle On TJ, Battle On

Friday Photo Shoot Out: My Favorite Place To _______________

2009-09-24T19:49:00.000-07:00

Oh how I have been thinking about and looking forward to this topic. This week I can make up for all those weeks that I have drawn a blank and posted just one lonely photo. The first thing that came to mind was:

My Favorite Place to "BUY FRUITS AND VEGETABLES"

They have the best deals in town and it has that small town feel that Apache Junction has lost in recent years. I also love the old fashioned signs they have.

I went there the other day and got all this stuff for $10. I don't know about other parts of the world or even other parts of the country but for here in Arizona $10 is quite a bargain for all this stuff.

My Favorite Place to "Sit Comfortable & Read"

The rocker was given to me years ago by a few very close friends at a time when I was really down. I have hauled it back and forth across the US numerous times and probably will never part with it. I have a bad back and it is really the only place I can sit comfortably, especially when I prop my feet up on the arm of the couch. It may not be the most eye appealing way to arrange furniture but it sure is practical!

As most of you know TJ's Mom passed away last week. One of the few things he asked her to leave to him was this table. I don't know all the details on it yet but I know that TJ remembers it from when he was very young. Sooo, in honor of his Mother and just because I love TJ like I do, this is now :

My Favorite Place to "Sit & Eat Dinner With TJ"

Great theme this week and I can't wait to see what all the other members post as this leaves so much to interpretation.

Save The Boobs!!

2009-09-24T09:17:00.000-07:00

I am all about anything it takes to make people aware of early detection and the need for additional research so we can find a cure!

Be sure you have your sound on.

I Love It!!!!!!!

Hope I didn't offend any of my regular readers and if I did I apologize.

Take Comfort in Joy Where You Find It

2009-09-23T19:45:00.000-07:00

From the depths of our struggles sprout the blossoms of our strengths.

With TJ feeling so poorly lately it has been very hard to find an upside to anything in life. Ok, reality is that he has felt like total shit for weeks and the both of us are tired of it! This morning was an especially bad morning and it breaks my heart to see him in such pain.

His appetite is good except for the fact that nothing tastes good to him when he eats it. This results in him taking a few bites of something and then pushing it away. He is starting to lose weight and frankly it scares the hell out of me. He is no longer the lean, strong, muscular man I met almost 16 years ago and it kills me. He was a framer then and I used to love to watch him work. It amazed me how he could hoist himself up and around trusses all the while hammering away. Believe it or not our life has not always been about cancer. We used to be carefree and have lots of fun.

Having said that though, we still do have fun. It is just different now. Everyone talks about the "new normal" and even though I don't like our "new normal" I have learned to put on a smile and take comfort in joy where we can find it. Just this morning when I felt like TJ was having the worst day ever in this journey we actually had a laugh. He had just finished dressing and we were going to walk into the kitchen together when he went back into the bathroom. I waited....and waited....(I am very impatient) and finally asked him what he was doing? He said "Combing my hair!!" (his hair is just beginning to grow back from chemo and is barely visible!) He walked out and we both had a little laugh. Is this our "new normal"?! If it is I guess I can accept it as long as we get to have a laugh together every once in a while.

Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile is the source of your joy.

What a Week!!

2009-09-20T15:18:00.000-07:00

I really wanted to post yesterday but I was just too exhausted and decided to just take it easy all day. After I got done with my chores of course, which was around 1:00 pm. Unfortunately for those of you that are regular readers I have had lots of time to think the past two weeks and have come up with quite a few ideas for posts so you can expect me to be back at the 3 to 4 a week again, heck maybe even more with all that has been going through my head lately. Today though I am just going to give quick updates on the nitty gritty stuff and will elaborate on some of it at a later date.

First...The service for TJ's Mom was Friday afternoon and it was a very nice service. I have an issue with funerals, but that is just my opinion. All in all though I thought it was very tasteful and nice. Those who spoke did an excellent job and it was nice to see all the people that knew and loved Carol. All of TJ's family headed back east on Saturday morning and soon things will be back to normal around here.

Second...TJ still is having quite a bit of back pain but it is somewhat better today and hopefully tomorrow it will be better yet. I am still unsure of this and we have discussed seeing the oncologist about it. At this time though we are in a wait and see mode.

Third....My mammogram and ultrasound seem to be OK. Wednesday I had an appointment with a breast cancer surgeon to look at my films. His opinion is that they are benign cysts but because my breasts are so dense and I have a strong family history of breast cancer he wants me to get an MRI just to make sure. I am fine with that. They have not called to schedule it yet so I have no idea when it will be. In addition to that he talked to me about getting some genetic testing done to see if I have the BRCA1 gene. If in fact I do have this gene my chances of getting breast cancer are 85%. HOLY COW!!! THAT IS HIGH!!!! Additionally, because of my high risk insurance will pay for the genetic testing but there is just one catch.......If I have this gene I have to immediately have a double mastectomy. If I choose not to get the mastectomy then should I get breast cancer down the road they will not cover it. Good news is they will also cover reconstructive surgery and the surgeon even told me I could upgrade should I choose to. NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT ;) Seriously though....Am I mentally ready to have both my boobs cut off?....I don't know......With TJ ill do I really have the time to go through all this right now?.........I don't know. My decision for now is to research, research, research .... arm myself with a bunch of questions and bombard the surgeon with them when I get the results of my MRI. I will then make a decision about whether to go ahead with the genetic testing now or in the future.

We can't choose our challenges, but we can meet them with grace.

Friday Photo Shoot Out - Animals (Domesticated)

2009-09-17T19:52:00.000-07:00

Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot little puppies.

We have 3 Australian Cattle Dogs and 1 Chihuahua. This is Shiner chilling on the couch, which is specifically for the dogs (note the dog themed cover)
Ahhh, Dobie, aka The Mexican, aka The Ankle Biter, aka Munchkin. He was abused so he has many social issues but with TJ & I he is a little doll. This is him & TJ taking a nap on the couch, he loves to sleep on TJ's chest. Gee, so do I, does this mean I have competition?!?!?!

Dobie is hoping to one day grow up and be just like Shiner. Fat chance little guy!! Although he does think they are buddies and Shiner completely ignores him.

Okie is the white one on the left, Mickey is on the right. Shiner is Okie's Dad and Mickey is Okie's Mom. It has been really fun to see both the personalities of Shiner and Mickey come out in Okie. By the way, Okie is my favorite and is a super big Mommas Boy.

Rear view of the above picture. Matching chubby butts.

Agenda for the Day: Wag more.....Bark less

Handle every stressful situation like a dog, if you can't eat it or hump it; pee on it and walk away!

Carol L. Webb

2009-09-17T09:09:00.000-07:00

Carol L. Webb peacefully passed away on September 15, 2009. She was born in Saginaw, Michigan but spent most of her life in Mesa, Arizona. Carol was an extraordinary woman who loved God first and then her family and friends. She was most proud of her kids, T.J. and Kelly, and her grandchildren, Nicholas, Rhiannon, Phylicia, and Billy. She was a mentor to some and model to all. Carol was an avid golfer who achieved a hole in one at age 68. She and her beloved Joe Bushroe resided in Leisure World. She will be missed by many, as to know Carol was to love Carol. Memorial services will be held at 4:30 p.m., Friday, September 18, 2009 at Mariposa Gardens Cemetery Chapel, 6747 E. Broadway Road, Mesa, Arizona, 85206 (480) 830-4422. In lieu of flowers the family is requesting contributions in Carol's name to Odyssey Hospice, 6215 E. Arbor Avenue, Mesa, Arizona 85206.