I Have Been In A Funk.....

I have been in a terrible funk for over a week now.  I am to the point that I don't even want to be around myself.  I can't seem to force my mind into a good place.  TJ has been really strongly on my mind and so has my Father.  These thoughts have not been sad or emotional, but I can't seem to get these guys out of my head.  I decided that maybe they were there for a reason....usually it means I am screwing something up.  I thought and thought about what I could possibly be doing wrong and came up empty handed.  Not that I am doing everything perfectly, but nothing that would disappoint these guys.

I just can't find the joy in anything....being with my animals, blogging, hanging with friends, tweeting...it all seems to be a struggle.  There are moments when I think I am escaping the "Funk" and suddenly I am sucked back into it again.  It is like I have no control over my mind and it is twisting everything in my life into something toxic.

It is Monday.  I am usually a fan of Mondays.  I think of Mondays as a clean slate, a chance to start all over and make it an awesome week.  I am trying to not let my mind turn today into "Toxic Monday".  After all I have been through I should be able to win over the toxicity of my mind this week.

Joy and sorrow are inseparable...together they come and when one sits alone with you...remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. ~ Kahlil Gibran

My Oh Too Close Thanksgiving Fiasco!

I like Thanksgiving. As a matter of fact I think it is my favorite holiday for a number of reasons. Primarily, it is a 4 day weekend and who doesn't love a four day weekend especially if you tack 3 vacation days onto it and turn it into a whopping 9 days off for the price of 3! It also has all the festiveness of Christmas but without the pressure and bank breaking tradition of gift giving. Mostly I like the food of Thanksgiving or more precisely I like cooking Thanksgiving food. It is a fun and easy meal to prepare and it is generally food that you only eat once a year....on Thanksgiving.

Because of my affinity for Thanksgiving I was quite excited to host the first Thanksgiving in my new home last year. I tacked on the 3 vacation days and that made it even more exciting for me. Like anyone I spent some time leading up to the big day doing some projects around the house, cleaning, and, being the organized maniac that I am, I did my shopping 2 weeks previous.

My house was a repo so I had to install all new lighting when I moved in and lots of other things needed fixed or replaced also.  I have been focusing on getting the main living area presentable and holding off on the spare bedrooms and my bedroom and bath.  I put in all new cabinetry before moving in but still needed to replace the vanity tops.  I found out that the vanity top in my guest/hall bath is a standard size....BONUS!  I bought a new top off the shelf at Lowes and had a friend come help me to carry the old one out and in the new.  I also bought new faucets and new stuff for the walls...my guest bath was going to be presentable for Thanksgiving!

Enter my manic, anal, everything must be perfect....usually self destructing...self.  The Tuesday before Thanksgiving I decide to move the light in the guest bathroom.  I think it was installed too low and want it moved up just a tad bit higher.  I am pretty handy around the house and figured I would be able to do this quickly and easily.  I get my little step stool and proceed to remove the screws that secured the light.  Hell, I even remembered to close the drains in the event that I dropped a screw I would not get into a plumbing project also.  With all screws removed I very gently pull the light ever so slightly away from the wall.....POP!....SPARK!...LIGHTS GO OUT!!!!!

Now I am standing on a stool, in a pitch black interior bathroom (i.e. no outside light whatsoever!) holding onto a new light (still attached by the wires), above my new faucets, installed on my new vanity top....completely alone.  Boy, did I feel alone too!  Way to go Miss you are not as handy as you think you are you stupid everything must be perfect dimwit.  I know what has happened and I assume the breaker blew, but somewhere in the back of my mind I keep thinking the wires may still be hot and I am about to get shocked!  Never mind the fact that I can't see, nor can I let go of the light as I know the weight of it will pull the wires loose and it will come crashing down on the new top and faucets and break the light into millions of pieces.  I can't just wait here in the dark for 2 days until my friends show up for Thanksgiving....can I?

My phone! My phone is in my back pocket! Of course it is, I am addicted to my phone and I always have it with me.  Now, you are probably thinking I called someone to come help me.  Quite the contrary, actually that thought never entered my mind.  What I did think of is the "Tesla LED" flashlight app I have installed on my phone.  If you don't have some kind of flashlight app on your phone I highly recommend getting one.  I turned on my flashlight app, which is amazingly bright, and was able to unscrew the wire nuts and gently set my light down on the counter.  Whew! Crisis averted.  Although I don't seem to have power to most of the back part of my house now.  Just how big a circuit is this anyway?

I just can't deal with the fact that I now have no power to the bathroom my guests will be using in two days and I am mentally exhausted.  I look at the clock and it is exactly, right on the nose....Oh Wine Thirty!  Guess it all will have to wait until tomorrow when I have mentally recouped from this very stressful situation.

The next day I hook the light back up, in the same position it was in and to this day I still have not moved it up.  I will someday, but it will have to be when someone is here to help me so I don't have to relive my oh too close Thanksgiving fiasco.

Memories

Memories come in many different shapes and forms. The things that can trigger a memory are numerous...a smell, a song, a book, a movie or television show and sometimes they just happen. There are childhood memories, high school memories, college memories, early adulthood memories, memories of finding that one true love and memories of your children.

I have lots of TJ memories, we spent 16 years creating memories. No, not all are good memories. It is impossible to put two stubborn, head strong, independent people together and not expect some volatility, but we did love each other very much and I have many more good memories than bad ones.

The memories that hit me the hardest are those that come out of the blue. It is usually a day that I am merrily going along in my new life and BAM!!!!!!!! I have a deja vu moment. The memory coursing through my entire body...I feel it everywhere. Suddenly I can no longer think about anything else, I become almost transfixed, I retreat into my own little world. The memory seems so real, so vivid, TJ is with me...I feel as though I could reach out and touch him. Then just as quickly as the memory came about it is gone. I am neither sad nor happy for a moment, I just keep trying to replay what just happened again and again in my head but it is no longer as intense and real. Then, depending on the memory I sometimes cry and I sometimes laugh and sometimes I even say out loud, "Holy hell, that was fun wasn't it TJ?!"

I don't have any idea what triggers these kind of intense memories. When I reflect upon them I can't find anything happening at that moment that would trigger the particular memory. I never had these kind of intense memories about my Father when he passed nor do I have them about my Mother.

The intensity was somewhat frightening at first but I now welcome it. I believe these intense memories will not last forever so I have chosen to accept and even embrace them. I will always have the memories that TJ and I created together, although the intensity may diminish. I will cherish them for the rest of my life even as I move forward in creating new memories.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.

2011 - A New Year

I am determined that this year will be a better year for me than the last two! I lost TJ in October of 2009 and then my Mom in July of 2010. Enough already!!

I am at a really different spot in my life right now. As I have said many times, going through what I did with TJ really changed me. It changed me deeply and forever. Often times over the past 2 years I have wanted a different life. This just isn't realistic and all that has happened to me has shaped me into the person I am today and dwelling on the bad stuff only will make it more difficult for me to live in the "now".

Having thoughts racing around in my head like: "If only", "what if", "I should have", "I wish I would have", "I could have" only serve to remove me from the present life I am living. By living in the past I am missing out on the "now" and projecting fear into my future. I resolve (although I don't generally make New Year's Resolutions) to stop this.

I believe in fate so I am sure all that has happened to me in the past happened for a reason (although, right now, for the life of me, I do not know that reason!). I also believe all that has happened and will happen has a useful meaning that I can learn from.

Yes, 2011 is going to be a better year than the past 2 as I will open my heart and mind to new people, new ideas, new thoughts and new freedoms.

Under the greatest adversity there exists the greatest potential for doing good, both for oneself and others ~ Dalai Lama