I do. But, I also believe in Karma and Destiny. Yes, I believe everything happens for a reason....even death. Not for one instance am I saying that TJ "deserved" to die...absolutely not. What I am saying is that he did very good things for a lot of people during his lifetime and his number was up. He wasted not a single minute of his life, he lived it to the fullest. Anyone that knew him will most certainly agree with me on that. He was a very generous man, more than probably most realized. He always kept cash in his gun safe and often when a close friend would be at our house lamenting about how they needed money for something I would see him walk into where his safe was and pull out $100 to $200 and simply hand it to that person. He never asked to be paid back, he only wanted to help his friend in their time of dire need. Only the recipients knew of him doing this and I know his generosity was never taken advantage of. I must admit that every time he did this it brought a tear to my eye. We were at a point in our lives that he could do that for his friends and he was happy to do it. He also gave of his time and carpentry talent. Wow, just writing this brings back a flood of memories of how much he truly gave during the 17 years I was with him.
I have endured a lot since losing TJ and I believe it too has happened for a reason. I know that many of the people that are in my life now would not be there if TJ had not died. I learned who my true friends were and more importantly I have learned who was toxic in my life. Because of TJ's illness I have become closer to both my brother and my sister. While I was busy grieving TJ, I was not there for my Mother in her final days as much as I should have been but I know she understood. My Mother was a young widow before she married my Father and her words to me after TJ died were priceless and a conversation that I will never forget. For the first time in my life I followed her advice and I so wish she was here to see that I actually listened to her. Yes Mom, you were right about everything. She understood.
When I think about how my life has changed since losing TJ I can't help but believe it happened for a reason. I have grown and changed so very much. His death has forced me to look at life in a completely different light. I appreciate the small stuff so much more. I know TJ is looking at me thinking, "Geesh Sandy, it took my death for you to finally get it!". Yes! Yes, it did. I don't wish the horrors of grief upon anyone, but for me it did wonders for my soul.
I wasn't comfortable with it, but I needed to stop, get out of my own head and see the big picture. I found out that I had been looking at things all wrong. I found new potential, new possibilities and it is liberating. What I thought was a hopeless situation suddenly looked good. I know that there is no pit too deep that I can't climb out of. Life is very simply just a bunch of stories. They all end sooner or later and that is OK. I am moving on to my next story.
I believe we don't always know or understand why things happen. Some things we may never understand why, but there is a reason even though we don't see or understand it. The universe knows and we must put our faith in that.
Am I grateful for TJ's death?....oh HELL NO! But, I can appreciate what it taught me and yes, I do believe it happened for a reason. I believe he died 7 months before my Mother so she could impart her valuable wisdom to me. I believe I needed the people who are in my life now that never would have been if not for his death. I believe I needed this to grow, to learn how to truly live.
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
