The images. The horrible, horrible images. The last few weeks I have been waking up early with those darn images in my head again. You see, being a caregiver for someone you love deeply and watching them die leaves scars, deep scars. Scars that will forever be a part of your soul.
After TJ died I struggled with the images I saw every time I closed my eyes. I couldn't remember him healthy. All I saw was him frail, weak and dying. Those images haunted me. Those images still haunt me. I believe those images will haunt me my entire life.
It was because of those images that I did not/could not sleep for months. Lots of months. It adversely affected my general health. My therapist diagnosed me with PTSD. I thought he was crazy. Like many people I thought PTSD only afflicted war veterans. I began PET (prolonged exposure therapy) with Dr. Hallmark (not his real name & he doesn't like it when I call him that). I saw him weekly for 2 hours at a time and I believe we did this for 3 or 4 months. I got better. He promised me that I would get better and thankfully he came through for me.
So why then am I seeing those horrible images again? I thought I was done with that! I know how I am supposed to deal with it when it happens. Dr. Hallmark armed me with an array of tools to use. Those tools are supposed to keep those images from being debilitating. The tools aren't working.
Something has brought this back into my life and I wish I knew what it was. I have faith though. I have faith in myself and faith in Dr. Hallmark. Together we will figure it out, this I know.
"Any fool can be happy. It takes a man with real heart to make beauty out of the stuff that makes us weep." ~ Clive Barker