My Dad

I think I discovered why my Dad has been on my mind so much lately.

I received a Facebook friend request from a high school friend.  I am not a fan of  Facebook (fb) but I accepted his request assuming, like most fb stuff goes with me, that was the end of it.  I then got a message from him with an email address and asking me the dreaded question, "how is your family?"  This is generally translated as, "how are your Mom and Dad, husband and kids?" Most everyone knew and loved my parents and at 45 they assume I have a husband and kids.  Generally when I message back that Mom, Dad and Husband have all passed and I have no kids I don't hear from them again.  I understand, people just don't know what to say and I am fine with it.  Instead of my normal everyone is dead message, I sent an email with basic generalities...no kids, I live in Arizona...blah, blah, blah.  To my surprise I got an email back telling me about his kids, wife etc. and asking me more about what I have been up to.  I replied with the everyone is dead email but with a few more details and I just knew for sure that would be the end of this reunion.  NOT!!  He emailed me back and said some really moving things about my Dad.

My Dad was a difficult man to get along with to say the least.  I cut ties with him as an adult because we just didn't see eye to eye on anything.  It was TJ who encouraged me to reconnect with my Dad and with much prodding I did.  I saw him for the first time in years when TJ and I went to my brother's wedding in Las Vegas.  He and TJ became very good buddies and my Dad moved to Arizona to live his last couple of years close to TJ and I.  He was at our house every night for dinner and he spent time watching TJ build stuff.  My Dad apologized to me for all the bad stuff and we got to say "I Love You" to each other.  When he became ill he pleaded with TJ and I to not let him die in a hospital and not to stick him in one of our back bedrooms all alone.  TJ rearranged our living room to accomodate a hospital bed and with the help of hospice we brought him home to spend his last hours.  He lasted less than 24 hours at our home but the last thing he said to me was, "Where the hell am I?" I said to him, "You are home Dad, you are with TJ & I."  He passed away the next morning at home, just what he wanted.

Here are some excerpts from our emails when my friend spoke of my Dad:

I thought your Dad was quite a character. I always got the feeling that you and him did not see eye to eye on several things. I always wanted to talk to him after I joined the service but I always missed him and never knew where he lived after the house on the lake sold. Your Dad treated me well and I never forget people who were nice to me when I was a young man.

I am glad that you and Rex reconciled, I am sure you would have had great regrets had you not done so. Your Dad seemed like a well traveled person who had been around a bit and he always had some stories that mad me laugh. I think he thought I was a bit crazy at times and probably useless at other times. He wanted young people to do the right thing and I knew it by the way he took time to tell me stuff. He had probably made a lot of the same mistakes so he didn’t see the need for anyone else to repeat them.


Reading these kind words about my Dad made me cry.  A lot of people can justifiably say lots of bad things about my Dad but the above words show that he did make a good impression on some people.  He was my Dad, the only one I had, and I loved him regardless of his past.

When you measure someone's worth, put the tape around the heart instead of the head ~ Covey

I Have Been In A Funk.....

I have been in a terrible funk for over a week now.  I am to the point that I don't even want to be around myself.  I can't seem to force my mind into a good place.  TJ has been really strongly on my mind and so has my Father.  These thoughts have not been sad or emotional, but I can't seem to get these guys out of my head.  I decided that maybe they were there for a reason....usually it means I am screwing something up.  I thought and thought about what I could possibly be doing wrong and came up empty handed.  Not that I am doing everything perfectly, but nothing that would disappoint these guys.

I just can't find the joy in anything....being with my animals, blogging, hanging with friends, tweeting...it all seems to be a struggle.  There are moments when I think I am escaping the "Funk" and suddenly I am sucked back into it again.  It is like I have no control over my mind and it is twisting everything in my life into something toxic.

It is Monday.  I am usually a fan of Mondays.  I think of Mondays as a clean slate, a chance to start all over and make it an awesome week.  I am trying to not let my mind turn today into "Toxic Monday".  After all I have been through I should be able to win over the toxicity of my mind this week.

Joy and sorrow are inseparable...together they come and when one sits alone with you...remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. ~ Kahlil Gibran

My Oh Too Close Thanksgiving Fiasco!

I like Thanksgiving. As a matter of fact I think it is my favorite holiday for a number of reasons. Primarily, it is a 4 day weekend and who doesn't love a four day weekend especially if you tack 3 vacation days onto it and turn it into a whopping 9 days off for the price of 3! It also has all the festiveness of Christmas but without the pressure and bank breaking tradition of gift giving. Mostly I like the food of Thanksgiving or more precisely I like cooking Thanksgiving food. It is a fun and easy meal to prepare and it is generally food that you only eat once a year....on Thanksgiving.

Because of my affinity for Thanksgiving I was quite excited to host the first Thanksgiving in my new home last year. I tacked on the 3 vacation days and that made it even more exciting for me. Like anyone I spent some time leading up to the big day doing some projects around the house, cleaning, and, being the organized maniac that I am, I did my shopping 2 weeks previous.

My house was a repo so I had to install all new lighting when I moved in and lots of other things needed fixed or replaced also.  I have been focusing on getting the main living area presentable and holding off on the spare bedrooms and my bedroom and bath.  I put in all new cabinetry before moving in but still needed to replace the vanity tops.  I found out that the vanity top in my guest/hall bath is a standard size....BONUS!  I bought a new top off the shelf at Lowes and had a friend come help me to carry the old one out and in the new.  I also bought new faucets and new stuff for the walls...my guest bath was going to be presentable for Thanksgiving!

Enter my manic, anal, everything must be perfect....usually self destructing...self.  The Tuesday before Thanksgiving I decide to move the light in the guest bathroom.  I think it was installed too low and want it moved up just a tad bit higher.  I am pretty handy around the house and figured I would be able to do this quickly and easily.  I get my little step stool and proceed to remove the screws that secured the light.  Hell, I even remembered to close the drains in the event that I dropped a screw I would not get into a plumbing project also.  With all screws removed I very gently pull the light ever so slightly away from the wall.....POP!....SPARK!...LIGHTS GO OUT!!!!!

Now I am standing on a stool, in a pitch black interior bathroom (i.e. no outside light whatsoever!) holding onto a new light (still attached by the wires), above my new faucets, installed on my new vanity top....completely alone.  Boy, did I feel alone too!  Way to go Miss you are not as handy as you think you are you stupid everything must be perfect dimwit.  I know what has happened and I assume the breaker blew, but somewhere in the back of my mind I keep thinking the wires may still be hot and I am about to get shocked!  Never mind the fact that I can't see, nor can I let go of the light as I know the weight of it will pull the wires loose and it will come crashing down on the new top and faucets and break the light into millions of pieces.  I can't just wait here in the dark for 2 days until my friends show up for Thanksgiving....can I?

My phone! My phone is in my back pocket! Of course it is, I am addicted to my phone and I always have it with me.  Now, you are probably thinking I called someone to come help me.  Quite the contrary, actually that thought never entered my mind.  What I did think of is the "Tesla LED" flashlight app I have installed on my phone.  If you don't have some kind of flashlight app on your phone I highly recommend getting one.  I turned on my flashlight app, which is amazingly bright, and was able to unscrew the wire nuts and gently set my light down on the counter.  Whew! Crisis averted.  Although I don't seem to have power to most of the back part of my house now.  Just how big a circuit is this anyway?

I just can't deal with the fact that I now have no power to the bathroom my guests will be using in two days and I am mentally exhausted.  I look at the clock and it is exactly, right on the nose....Oh Wine Thirty!  Guess it all will have to wait until tomorrow when I have mentally recouped from this very stressful situation.

The next day I hook the light back up, in the same position it was in and to this day I still have not moved it up.  I will someday, but it will have to be when someone is here to help me so I don't have to relive my oh too close Thanksgiving fiasco.

Memories

Memories come in many different shapes and forms. The things that can trigger a memory are numerous...a smell, a song, a book, a movie or television show and sometimes they just happen. There are childhood memories, high school memories, college memories, early adulthood memories, memories of finding that one true love and memories of your children.

I have lots of TJ memories, we spent 16 years creating memories. No, not all are good memories. It is impossible to put two stubborn, head strong, independent people together and not expect some volatility, but we did love each other very much and I have many more good memories than bad ones.

The memories that hit me the hardest are those that come out of the blue. It is usually a day that I am merrily going along in my new life and BAM!!!!!!!! I have a deja vu moment. The memory coursing through my entire body...I feel it everywhere. Suddenly I can no longer think about anything else, I become almost transfixed, I retreat into my own little world. The memory seems so real, so vivid, TJ is with me...I feel as though I could reach out and touch him. Then just as quickly as the memory came about it is gone. I am neither sad nor happy for a moment, I just keep trying to replay what just happened again and again in my head but it is no longer as intense and real. Then, depending on the memory I sometimes cry and I sometimes laugh and sometimes I even say out loud, "Holy hell, that was fun wasn't it TJ?!"

I don't have any idea what triggers these kind of intense memories. When I reflect upon them I can't find anything happening at that moment that would trigger the particular memory. I never had these kind of intense memories about my Father when he passed nor do I have them about my Mother.

The intensity was somewhat frightening at first but I now welcome it. I believe these intense memories will not last forever so I have chosen to accept and even embrace them. I will always have the memories that TJ and I created together, although the intensity may diminish. I will cherish them for the rest of my life even as I move forward in creating new memories.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.

2011 - A New Year

I am determined that this year will be a better year for me than the last two! I lost TJ in October of 2009 and then my Mom in July of 2010. Enough already!!

I am at a really different spot in my life right now. As I have said many times, going through what I did with TJ really changed me. It changed me deeply and forever. Often times over the past 2 years I have wanted a different life. This just isn't realistic and all that has happened to me has shaped me into the person I am today and dwelling on the bad stuff only will make it more difficult for me to live in the "now".

Having thoughts racing around in my head like: "If only", "what if", "I should have", "I wish I would have", "I could have" only serve to remove me from the present life I am living. By living in the past I am missing out on the "now" and projecting fear into my future. I resolve (although I don't generally make New Year's Resolutions) to stop this.

I believe in fate so I am sure all that has happened to me in the past happened for a reason (although, right now, for the life of me, I do not know that reason!). I also believe all that has happened and will happen has a useful meaning that I can learn from.

Yes, 2011 is going to be a better year than the past 2 as I will open my heart and mind to new people, new ideas, new thoughts and new freedoms.

Under the greatest adversity there exists the greatest potential for doing good, both for oneself and others ~ Dalai Lama

Things I Am Asking Santa For This Year

I have mentioned before that TJ and I quit exchanging Christmas presents years ago but when we used to get each other presents I always asked for fun me stuff. You know, stuff like jewelry, horse tack and nice frilly things from Victoria's Secret. TJ either wanted motorcycle stuff, horse tack or tools. He liked me buying him tools because I only bought good quality stuff.

Well, my list to Santa for this year is quite a bit different than in the past. As most of you know, I moved to a new home this past March. I bought it as a repo and got a smokin' deal on it, but...........it of course needed lots of work. At the time I thought this was a good thing. I am pretty handy for a girl and with so much to do on the house it would keep me busy and hopefully my mind off of losing TJ. It succeeded on doing both of those things, but at the same time, I have found it at times to be overwhelming and even have had thoughts that just maybe I bit off more than I could chew. When I think I am in over my head I usually just call a friend or two for help and everything turns out OK.

So, because of my new home here is my list for Santa this year:

• Air Compressor - I have no idea why TJ never had one!
• Floor Jack - these are handy for a multitude of tasks
• Table Saw - TJ could build anything with his Skil Saw.....I can't!
• Pneumatic Tools - to go along with the air compressor
• Wheel Barrow - actually I could use 2 of these: 1 for hay and 1 for wood
• Another Cord of Fuitwood - thanks to my fireplace I have yet to turn on my heater this year
• Chain Saw - I bought TJ a Stihl years ago but he always had trouble with starting it (lemon!) which translates to I can't start the darn thing at all!
• Gas Powered Leaf Blower - a 4 stroke please; I have trouble with 2 stroke motors, i.e. above referenced chain saw
• A small tractor with a gannon & bucket - I have lots of yard work here

Even without these things my house is coming along good....slowly but good, and it is nice to step back once in a while and say to myself....."Thanks Dad and TJ for all you taught me, I could not have done any of this without the two of you having been in my life! I love and miss you both."

Oh, and Santa.....a Home Depot gift card might be easier and is just as good!

Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle. ~ Christian D. Larson

My 2nd Thanksgiving Without TJ

I can't hardly believe that TJ has been gone long enough for me to have 2 Thanksgivings without him. This time last year I was being told..."it will get easier with time" and "time heals". Well, at that point I thought they were all nuts!!! But it turns out they were right.

I really wanted to host Thanksgiving in my new house and since my sister already had plans I invited friends. I kept it small and had everyone bring a dish so as to not make it too stressful for me. It was wonderful and really made me once again realize how lucky I am to have such wonderful friends in my life.

I took all of Thanksgiving week off of work so I had 9 days off and boy was that nice. First time in over 1 1/2 years that I have taken time off work for me and was not sitting at someone's bedside. I didn't do anything special but got lots of little things done around the house and got to spend some time with friends.

I was busy enjoying myself on Thanksgiving and didn't take many pictures but posted a few here. Note that it was the women who carved the turkey....the men were busy watching football and we just let them be.

I hope you all (my American readers) had as wonderful Thanksgiving as I did.