I realized this week that I learned something when TJ was sick. I learned to pack myself a "hanging at the hospital" bag quickly & without much thought. My bag contains: 1) laptop, power cord & air card 2) cell phone & charger 3) Kindle & charger 4) iPod, ear buds & charger 5) notebook & multiple pens 6) water bottle 7) snacks
Tuesday morning the nursing home called me at 3:00 am to tell me they were sending my Mom to the ER for shortness of breath and confusion. I packed my "hanging at the hospital" bag and took off, no animals fed and no shower for me. Good news is they admitted Mom with a diagnosis of pneumonia and she is expected to be fine in a few days.
I cried all the way to the hospital. I wasn't crying for my Mom, we have been through this with her before and I really felt like she was going to be OK. I was crying for myself. I was crying because I am tired. I am tired of the drama in my life. I am tired of being at a hospital. I am tired and don't really know how much more I can take. I was crying because it brought back all the memories of taking TJ to the hospital. I was crying because I realized that some of my strength died with TJ. I used to be strong and organized in situations like this but now I was falling apart?!
Once I got to the ER I began going through the motions; talking to the doctors, nurses & comforting Mom. But I really felt like I was truly just going through the motions, the passion and compassion was gone. WTF!! This is my Mother for good grief! When she fell & broke her hip & had to go to a rehab center I did my research and found the best place possible. When she refused to do rehab and ended up in a nursing home I made sure it was a nice place & the care was above par. She is in one of the nicest facilities in town. But now, that passion is gone. Gone with TJ.
I'm sorry Mom....I'm tired
Oh my sweetie - caretaker fatigue... and doing all you can do... and you know what-- YOU NEED SOME SWEETIE TIME FOR YOU.
ReplyDeleteYou need some break time when stuff STOPS flying at you a mile a minute. You need your mom to do her rehab and to have to stop fixing her shit. You need someone to come and pick you up and tuck you in bed and sing you to sleep.
You need someone to say, "you can relax now, nothing is falling apart."
You need for a moment to NOT HAVE CRISIS.
The body can only handle so much crisis before it just shuts it out and it DOES turn it off... "my red alert button is off, sorry."
You're not being anything but a good daughter. I love you so much. You are perfect and beautiful. This is just part of life. You are SO WONDERFUL.
Keep sharing. Keep blogging your experiences. This is part of life. Many many of my friends have dealt with stress after stress... and eventually it STOPS... but when you're in the middle of it - it feels like the tidal waves just keep coming. SO UNFAIR!
I love you so much. I'm on your side. I'm here for you.
Sending you all my love.
Wrapping you up in it.
x
Melissa
Oh Sandy, I empathize with you. It's ok to feel the way you do. Sometimes I wonder where my compassion is too, especially for my mother.
ReplyDeleteI broke down and cried when I read about Barry this morning. Partly for him and Linda but for myself because it hit too close to home. I really surprised myself by breaking down.
JarieLyn
ReplyDeleteI cried for Barry this morning too, but mostly I cried for Linda. I know what she is facing and my heart aches for her.
Sandy,
ReplyDeleteI get this. My Dear Grandmother was terminally ill with breast cancer for..God,what 18 mos? I was there. Emotionally,physically,all of it. And,yeah,I felt the way that you do. After she died I just had nothing left to give. Drained, spent, used up...nothing left.
The bad news is that I still miss
her very much. The good news is that I regenerated my reserve of
compassion and strength at some point. I don't remember how long it took,but it did.
I pray that it will for you too.
Much love from across the miles,
Mary
Hi Sandy, I know what you mean, hospital bag, clean linen, check list of all medication plus dosage in case get new Dr...
ReplyDeleteWhen it all ends, you wished it hadn't because initially you feel completely lost, not knowing what to do. You actually feel guilty thinking that there must be something you should be doing. A strange feeling indeed.
The person you are doing it for does appreciate it. I know Jane did, because she told all the nurses, not me so much but the nurses.
Martin
Oh, wow. That is so hard, and I can feel the fatigue in your writing. My wife is experiencing a very similar thing with her mother, who has an aphasia that prevents her from even communicating with us much at all any more. Please take time for yourself, do something fun, relax when you can. You're doing all you can do and more. Bless you.
ReplyDeleteOH, Sandy, my heart goes out to you. Don't feel bad about feeling tired, you ARE tired. At times like that I used to tell myself to just keep treading water, keep my head above water, just do enough to keep my head above water and sooner or later I would swim again.
ReplyDeleteYou are brave and strong. Just keep going until the good times come again, I assure you they will!