I have to admit that I have been struggling since the accident. For the first month I had a constant, pounding headache, I could barely turn my head and the pain in my neck and back was excruciating. It was all I could do to get to work, physical therapy and take care of my animals. I didn't feel like blogging or reading blogs. I could not even think about turning on my computer when I got home. I just wanted to lie flat and close my eyes. My attitude was bad and I tended to get angry very easily.
I was spiraling into an abyss of negative coping behaviors. I knew this, yet I could not seem to stop the descent. I was reacting with anger and lashing out at those I was closest too. I even lashed out at my physician. I blamed myself for the accident; I should have seen the car coming and been able to avoid the whole incident. I felt myself slowly slipping back into the deep depression I experienced after TJ passed. I even had feelings of dejection and wondering if I should really just give up on moving forward. Maybe it would be easier to just stop trying to get my life back on track altogether.
The thing that happened that finally got me turned around and headed back in the right direction, albeit slower than I would like, was when I lashed out at my Physician. I spewed utter drivel upon him, I knew I was being unreasonable, yet I continued. When I finally stopped he suggested I see a psychiatrist for my anger management issues. What?! I hurt, I have a headache, I have a perfectly good reason to be angry. My husband died, I had to move, my Mother died, I wrecked my truck....give me a freakin' break! My anger is justified and "NO" I will not be seeing a psychiatrist for anger management issues.
While I did not see a psychiatrist I did do some serious introspection the next few days. I realized that this high frustration level was not going to solve a darn thing and if anything it was making things worse. I really needed to focus on what I could do to speed up the healing process. I do have a choice in this. I can lie down and focus on self-victimization or I can get up and view this as another obstacle to overcome. Life is a journey and it is the obstacles that stop me from reaching my goals, but if I keep overcoming these obstacles I will eventually reach each and every one of my goals.
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~ Viktor Frankl
I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling so much. I think of you often, and I keep hoping that things will get easier for you. You've had a long rough stretch for sure. I can't imagine not feeling angry after everything you've faced!
ReplyDeleteI know it's not for everyone, but when I get the most stressed or angry, it really helps me to do yoga. It just has a way of hitting that inner calm that nothing else does. A really good way to cope in a hard spot, for me, at least.
Give Shiner a hug for me ;-) And you too!
Boy, what perfect timing! I've been feeling that way for the past few weeks. Yelled at a nurse and my radiation dr. and his assistant. I'm frustrated, angry and just plain fed up. Don't these drs. realize that when someone who's been in horrible situations, physically hurting, emotionally spent tend to lash out? And no, we don't need a physchologist, we just need our drs. to be a bit more understanding. I'm still not at your level, but hopefully soon I will be!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely awesome post, my friend! I'm so happy to hear you are getting back on track. True, you've been dealt a lot of crap, but I believe you are a very strong woman. One which can overcome anything she chooses.
ReplyDeleteHUGGGSSS my friend!
T
i am so terribly sorry to hear of your struggles. life can be so monumentally difficult to cope with. i agree with Jeannie. doctors need to remember what it's like to be a patient, to hurt, to be alone and grieving through it all. they need to remember their psych 101. sometimes wallowing a bit is necessary for mental health. gentle coaxing, support, and praise for progress can do wonders. i hope for the day when your body heals. i wish you peace.
ReplyDelete--it's not so much about the accident...it's about all of the other things that have happened in your so-called journey.
ReplyDeleteToo much sometimes. Too Much.
How dare your idiot doc. suggest a psychiatrist.
People dont' understand.
do they?
I understand. I understand.
Some days I wish I could just go home with my sister.
Thinking of you today.
Find another freaking doctor.
xxx Kiss
I am so sorry to hear you are struggling with so much right now. I have been away from blogging for awhile and didn't know about the accident. It's good you are able to post some of your feelings here on your blog. It gives you an outlet for expression and there are friends here to support you.
ReplyDeleteI love you to death Sandy I know I don't show it often, as we don't talk as much as we should. just never have been real good at that as you well know.
ReplyDeleteHowever I don't think your doc meant bad and believe his idea wasn't all that bad. I am currently working a review of Post Deployment healt assesments for Soldiers coming back from war. You know EVER solider and i mean every one that deploys is required to see a Therapist after return checking for PTSD. So no shame in it, and could be helpful and it actually sounds to me like it might have been.
Your fav brother.
Oh, Sandy, my heart aches for you. I can't imagine coping with what life has thrown at you. I remember once telling my mother about the worst thing that ever happened to me had happened and thinking she was a cold heartless bitch when she said, "You'll be OK. You're strong. You're tough." Please don't think me cold or heartless - but I know you will be OK. I know it!
ReplyDeleteSandy! I am so sorry that I missed the whole accident/struggling period of your life, I suck as a friend. :( I got busy, time flew by, I feel bad, I am sorry. Hang in there, you've proven tough over and over, and I hate to have to see you prove it again...but you can. Prayers, hugs.
ReplyDeleteSandy, you certainly have been through so much during the past couple of years. I can understand your frustration and anger and yet I am so proud of you for your introspection and enlightenment. You always seem to forge ahead and make yourself stronger and better. I admire that in you. I do hope things continue to improve for you. Pain can be a real downer for maintaining a positive attitude but I have faith you will pull through.
ReplyDelete