A Little Puppies & Ice Cream

When I am talking to someone that has not read my blog and I am giving them the address for the first time I always tell them...."the past year of my life hasn't been exactly perfect so my blog is not all puppies & ice cream, but it is raw me".

My last few posts have not been the happiest but I do want everyone to know that I am enjoying my new life so I thought I would post just a few fun pictures for a change.

In February I went to "The Shack" with some friends to pick up a few of my horse panels. This is a picture of Dave & Dena's pet monkey "Angel". Angel loves her beer and she is eyeing me to make sure I am not going to take it from her.

This was the last time I entertained at the old house. A few of my girlfriends came over for a little bit of dinner and lots of wine. If I recall...5 of us drank 9 bottles of wine! We had a fantastic time! TJ and I entertained a lot in that house so I have to admit it was bittersweet.

Dena & Larissa came over for the first swim in the pool. The water was still pretty cold but we were determined to get in and have a drink at the table.

I had the honor of hosting Michele's 60th birthday party! Another fantastic day with great friends.

Dena had called me one Friday night to see what the weekend was to hold and caught me in a pretty dark place. I told her I didn't want any company but she and her husband Dave ignored me and came out, even picking up Larissa on the way. So much for spending a night wallowing in self pity....instead we all spent until the wee hours of the morning in the pool drinking.

I have said it before and I will say it again.....I have the best friends in the world and I love you all very much!

This includes my blogging friends as well as my twitter friends who are always there for me too...I love all of you very much also!

I Love You Mom!

JoAnna Fay Bolton

July 17, 1931 - July 28, 2010

Mark, Mom, Alberta & Sandy

Thanksgiving of 2005 my sister, Alberta, bought these "Mom Likes Me Best" shirts for all of us siblings to wear. We all got a kick out of it as did Mom. The fact was...Mom did like all of us best and we all knew it.

I am going to miss you Mom. I love you!

Mom Update

Mom has taken a turn for the worse. Her condition has deteriorated and she is unable to breathe on her own. The doctor told me our options are either life support or hospice. Mom never wanted life support so hospice it is. My sister and brother are flying to Arizona Saturday (tomorrow) and we will be moving Mom to hospice. Hospice tells me that even though we are pushing oxygen into her the body is not using or distributing it properly. She is expected to last only a few days once moved to hospice.

Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers.

I'm Tired

I realized this week that I learned something when TJ was sick. I learned to pack myself a "hanging at the hospital" bag quickly & without much thought. My bag contains: 1) laptop, power cord & air card 2) cell phone & charger 3) Kindle & charger 4) iPod, ear buds & charger 5) notebook & multiple pens 6) water bottle 7) snacks

Tuesday morning the nursing home called me at 3:00 am to tell me they were sending my Mom to the ER for shortness of breath and confusion. I packed my "hanging at the hospital" bag and took off, no animals fed and no shower for me. Good news is they admitted Mom with a diagnosis of pneumonia and she is expected to be fine in a few days.

I cried all the way to the hospital. I wasn't crying for my Mom, we have been through this with her before and I really felt like she was going to be OK. I was crying for myself. I was crying because I am tired. I am tired of the drama in my life. I am tired of being at a hospital. I am tired and don't really know how much more I can take. I was crying because it brought back all the memories of taking TJ to the hospital. I was crying because I realized that some of my strength died with TJ. I used to be strong and organized in situations like this but now I was falling apart?!

Once I got to the ER I began going through the motions; talking to the doctors, nurses & comforting Mom. But I really felt like I was truly just going through the motions, the passion and compassion was gone. WTF!! This is my Mother for good grief! When she fell & broke her hip & had to go to a rehab center I did my research and found the best place possible. When she refused to do rehab and ended up in a nursing home I made sure it was a nice place & the care was above par. She is in one of the nicest facilities in town. But now, that passion is gone. Gone with TJ.

I'm sorry Mom....I'm tired

Just Breathe

Just Breathe...easier said than done sometimes. When I was a little girl my Mother insisted that all of us kids take swimming lessons. I was the only stubborn one. She enrolled me in class after class and I refused to learn. Looking back I have no idea what I was thinking. When I finally passed I thought all was good but not for my Mother. She took me to the local High School (Ben Davis) and asked the coach to watch me swim. I got in the olympic sized pool and swam a lap while they both looked on. When I finished I heard the coach say to my Mother "she just swam that entire lap without taking one breath!" My Mother said, "can you teach my daughter how to breathe?" He did and I went on to become a good strong swimmer thanks to the persistance of my Mother.

I remembered this story when a twitter friend of mine mentioned that she needed to learn how to breathe while doing pilates. I guess we all need to learn how to breathe and yet we take it for granted on a day to day basis.

I am not talking about those moments in life that take your breath away like seeing the beauty in a rainbow, having the one you love tell you he/she loves you for the very first time or even sharing a joyous moment with a good friend. What I am talking about is the devastation that we endure throughout our lives that takes our breath away. This might be learning of a friend's suicide in high school, hearing (out of the blue) you spouse tell you he/she wants a divorce, learning about a friend's life altering medical diagnosis or putting your pet of 15 years down so he no longer is suffering.

The day that really took my breath away was the first day TJ & I met with his oncologist. He did not want to tell TJ his prognosis but TJ insisted he tell him. The doctor sat down in a chair next to TJ's hospital bed and said to us "This is exceptionally difficult for me because you & I are the same age. There is a less than 5% chance you will be around a year from now. Make sure your affairs are in order." That took my breath away like no other moment in my life has or ever will! Somehow I managed to eek out a "thank you" to the doc as he walked out the door..thanks for what I don't know but at the time it seemed an appropriate thing to say. TJ & I both were so stunned that neither one of us could speak or even cry. I curled up in bed with him and for a good 30 minutes nothing was said. What is there to say at that point? We knew it was cancer and we knew it was bad, but we kept telling ourselves that people beat the odds all the time, but that was before we were told the odds we were up against. When I finally was able to breathe again I got out of his hospital bed and went over to the window, I still did not know what to say to him.

So, next time you are in a pilates class, swimming, exercising in general or are faced with something in life that is devastating....just breathe.

To have become a deeper man is the privilege of those who have suffered ~ Oscar Wilde

Life in a Small Town

As most of you know I live in Apache Junction, AZ and it is a fairly small town. I fell in love with this town years ago and when I moved back to AZ in 1994 I knew this was where I wanted to settle. I had to get an apartment in the neighboring town of Mesa because at the time I had a black lab and couldn't find anything in AJ that would allow my dog. I moved here in May of 1994 and met TJ in December of that year. Well, in 1995 when my lease was up TJ was living with me and I informed him that I was moving to AJ. He didn't want to live here at first but came with me anyway and fell in love with the town too.

There are ups and downs to living in a small town. I have met wonderful people here that have become the best friends anyone could ask for. People in a small town will band together like no others to help anyone with anything. When TJ got sick people came out of the woodwork to help us & when I moved I had more help than I needed. The emotional support is there also.

When TJ was diagnosed he asked me where I was going to move to when he was gone. I said, "I am not going anywhere....I am staying right here in good ole' Apache Junction!!"

Although I love it here I have been under intense scrutiny since TJ passed away. What house did she buy?....who has been over there helping her (mostly referring to the males that helped me)?.... how many times has he been there?...is something going on between them?....I saw her talking to A, B & C at the bar is she seeing one of them? FOR GOOD GRIEF PEOPLE! GET A LIFE OTHER THAN MINE!!! I am not the one that died and it is OK for me to continue with my life. Oh, and yes, I have male friends that have helped me....is this a crime?

The way I see it we tend to separate people into groups because it is safe and simple. By doing this we know what to expect of them and it is therefore easier to interact with them. I now don't fit into any predetermined group and it obviously throws many people off.

I am guilty of this too but as I think about it I find it sad that we categorize people in this manner. These preconceived ideas about how a person should behave do not allow us to really get to know each as an individual. We are too busy trying to put them in the box we perceive them to belong in. When TJ died nobody had a box for me and I think the scrutiny comes from trying to find out which box to put me in now.

Not very long ago I had a friend, who was not happy with me at the moment, say to me, "tell my why we are friends?" At the time I just laughed but I want to be able to sincerely answer that question at the drop of a hat about all my friends and that will require getting to know many of my friends all over again.

I have decided to dump all my friends out of the little boxes I have put them in and focus on them as individuals. Each and everyone of them has come into my life for a reason and I know in time that reason will surface. Some I already know why they are in my life but others I have yet to discover the true meaning of our friendship.

Friendship isn't about whom you have known the longest...It is about who came and never left your side.

RIP Dobie

The Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together....

Author Unknown..

I am sure TJ was there waiting for Dobie....they were such good buddies!

I miss you both