Mid Life Crisis Thoughts

I wanna have a mid life crisis. TJ did it before he died. He bought a little car to build. Unfortunately he didn't get to finish it & enjoy selling it for a profit before he passed. My girlfriend just bought a Harley. I wanna have a mid life crisis too....it seems like fun.

I just don't know how this mid life crisis thing comes about. I have lots of useless things I would like to buy but I am just too practical and can't justify them to myself. Should I quit trying to justify or quit being practical.

Now I have the fear of an impulse buy that I will regret.

What are your thoughts?

Have you done it? Do you wanna do it?

Sounds like fun doesn't it?

Don't we all deserve to treat ourselves?

Life is short...........

In Memory of Donald Wilhelm

We lost another great man to cancer this week, Donald Wilhelm. While I only knew Don virtually he touched my life in a profound way. Don was one of the first people I met on twitter when I turned to twitter to help TJ through his cancer treatments. I had a twitter account that was all about horses, but when TJ was diagnosed I ditched that account and started a new one in hopes of finding help for TJ with his treatment side effects. Very few of my "horsey" twitter friends followed me to my new account and in many ways I understood why. When I found Don on twitter he stepped up to the plate right away with suggestions to combat the side effects TJ was experiencing and introduced me to other cancer fighters & survivors in the social media world.

TJ, who often made fun of my being on twitter, soon realized the power of talking to those who had "been there, done that" and many times would say to me, "Get on twitter and find out what to do about this!" I have @DonaldWilhelm to thank for steering me in the right direction early on.

When I met Don he was a 4 time cancer survivor and even wrote a book about his experience you can buy his book here. I highly recommend reading the book. Don was an amazing man, he was an inspiration to everyone, his words of wisdom were beyond his years, his perseverance was unending and most of all his love for his soulmate, Amy, is undying.

After TJ passed I spoke to Don about the many conversations TJ and I had after he was diagnosed preparing me and TJ for the inevitable. He told me that he and Amy had many similar conversations. As I am now comforted by those words spoken between TJ and I it is my hope that with time Amy will be comforted by the conversations between her and Don.

Thank you Don for all you have given to me and countless others and thank you Amy for sharing your wonderful husband with the world.

When Death Comes

When death comes like the hungry bear in autumn;

when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;

when death comes like the measles-pox;

when death comes like an iceberg between the shoulder blades, I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:

what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything as a brotherhood and a sisterhood, and I look upon time as no more than an idea, and I consider eternity as another possibility, and I think of each life as a flower, as common as a field daisy, and as singular, and each name a comfortable music in the mouth tending as all music does toward silence, and each body a lion of courage, and something precious to earth.

When it's over, I want to say: all my life I was a bride married to amazement.

I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it is over, I don't want to wonder if I have made of my life something particular, and real.

I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened, or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.

~ Mary Oliver ~

Don definitely did not just "visit" this world, he had a profound impact on anyone who's life he touched. This was Don's last post (actually posted my Amy) on Facebook and I think it says it all:

I’ve filled my original goal here on earth. It was to spend the remainder of my life helping cancer patients. It seems to be where I found the greatest joy and the most sense of worth. I’m moving up into the next roll. I’ll leave my faithful followers to slip in and fill the gaps. Love to you all and positive energy,

Don Wilhelm

I Spread TJ's Ashes Last Weekend

I have written before of the conversations TJ & I had after his diagnosis. Many of them involved our past and many involved my future but we also had to discuss his final wishes. He told me what he did and did not want medically speaking, he told me he wanted to be cremated. We even stashed the money in the house for his cremation so it would be available in cash when the time came. While we were very organized in "finalizing his affairs" it hit me one day that he had not told me what to do with his ashes.

When I asked him where he wanted his ashes spread he told me without a moment of hesitation...."The Hideout, I want my ashes spread at The Hideout....do you remember how to get there Sandy?....(me)yes, I think so.....then take Charlie and Mike with you, I don't want you wondering around in the desert on a horse carrying my ashes and crying because you can't find The Hideout". So, The Hideout it was and the conversation was never brought up again.

Since he passed and I really had to think about spreading his ashes for real, I have been thinking..."TJ, WTF! could you have made it any more inconvenient?!..a 3 1/2 hour drive to the shack then a 45 minute horseback ride to the hideout!!" For those that don't know, we own 10 acres in southeastern AZ that we built 2 "shacks" on and set up horse pens. This property was to be for our retirement home but meanwhile we wanted to use it with our friends. The land borders state land and is only about 1/4 mile from National Forest.....beautiful riding country.

"The Shack" or "Love Shack" as TJ preferred to call it! We have to haul water and there is no electricity, but TJ built wood burning stoves for each one for warmth in the winter.

I just like this picture so I threw it in. TJ is in the roundpen with Arnie. We bought Arnie as a weanling and I trained him for TJ....he turned out to be a really good horse!!

We have lots of friends that wanted to be involved in the spreading of TJ's ashes at the hideout but I just didn't feel like having a big party at the shack so I chose one friend to go with me and not tell anyone else. I borrowed a horse trailer (we sold ours when TJ got sick for medical bills) and last Friday after work I loaded up both of my mules and all 3 of my dogs and headed to the shack. On Saturday morning we saddled up and headed to the hideout.

When we arrived I went inside alone....talked to TJ for a moment and spread his ashes. While it was a sad moment for me it was also very heartwarming that I was fulfilling his final wish and knowing it was what he wanted did my heart good. We rode back to the shack in silence.

I am sure all of you reading this are saying....."What the heck is the hideout?" Here is the story. It was the early 1900's and the Powers brothers (2 of them) went to town to register for the draft. The postman told them they did not need to register and that he would contact them when it was time for them to serve. He did this because there was a mining claim on their father's property that was in demand. The postmaster then went to the sheriff and told him the brothers refused to register. The sheriff gathered a couple of his deputies and went to the Powers' ranch. The father came out of the house first and was killed by the deputies. The brothers continued to fight it out and eventually escaped the property. One brother had an eye wound so as they headed south in Arizona they needed to hole up for a bit to heal. Where they holed up is known as "The Hideout". They then continued their trek south, heading for the Mexico border. They were apprehended before making it to the border and both were sent to prison.

This is not a story you will find in your history book but is very well known by the locals down in that area. "The Hideout" is still pristine as it is very hard to find if you don't know what you are looking for and is at the base of the Dragoon Mountains. Upon entering you can even see the hole in the top that was cut out for fire smoke to escape through.

TJ loved the local history so this place was very close to his heart and he enjoyed taking friends there and telling the story to them. I was proud to spread his ashes there knowing how pristine it is and I can always think of him being in a place he dearly loved.

If you look closely you can see the door to "The Hideout" in his picture. That is all the pictures I will post as I want this place to continue to be as undisturbed in the future as it is now.

I chose this past weekend to spread his ashes because today would have been his 50th birthday. I threw a big party for him on his 40th and we had planned on having another one for his 50th....TJ loved celebrating his birthday!! I thought it would be nice to put him to rest on his birthday weekend....I still celebrated him, just in a different way than I had planned.

I Love You TJ......Happy Birthday!

If I had known my heart would break, I would have loved you anyway.

A Little Puppies & Ice Cream

When I am talking to someone that has not read my blog and I am giving them the address for the first time I always tell them...."the past year of my life hasn't been exactly perfect so my blog is not all puppies & ice cream, but it is raw me".

My last few posts have not been the happiest but I do want everyone to know that I am enjoying my new life so I thought I would post just a few fun pictures for a change.

In February I went to "The Shack" with some friends to pick up a few of my horse panels. This is a picture of Dave & Dena's pet monkey "Angel". Angel loves her beer and she is eyeing me to make sure I am not going to take it from her.

This was the last time I entertained at the old house. A few of my girlfriends came over for a little bit of dinner and lots of wine. If I recall...5 of us drank 9 bottles of wine! We had a fantastic time! TJ and I entertained a lot in that house so I have to admit it was bittersweet.

Dena & Larissa came over for the first swim in the pool. The water was still pretty cold but we were determined to get in and have a drink at the table.

I had the honor of hosting Michele's 60th birthday party! Another fantastic day with great friends.

Dena had called me one Friday night to see what the weekend was to hold and caught me in a pretty dark place. I told her I didn't want any company but she and her husband Dave ignored me and came out, even picking up Larissa on the way. So much for spending a night wallowing in self pity....instead we all spent until the wee hours of the morning in the pool drinking.

I have said it before and I will say it again.....I have the best friends in the world and I love you all very much!

This includes my blogging friends as well as my twitter friends who are always there for me too...I love all of you very much also!

I Love You Mom!

JoAnna Fay Bolton

July 17, 1931 - July 28, 2010

Mark, Mom, Alberta & Sandy

Thanksgiving of 2005 my sister, Alberta, bought these "Mom Likes Me Best" shirts for all of us siblings to wear. We all got a kick out of it as did Mom. The fact was...Mom did like all of us best and we all knew it.

I am going to miss you Mom. I love you!

Mom Update

Mom has taken a turn for the worse. Her condition has deteriorated and she is unable to breathe on her own. The doctor told me our options are either life support or hospice. Mom never wanted life support so hospice it is. My sister and brother are flying to Arizona Saturday (tomorrow) and we will be moving Mom to hospice. Hospice tells me that even though we are pushing oxygen into her the body is not using or distributing it properly. She is expected to last only a few days once moved to hospice.

Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers.

I'm Tired

I realized this week that I learned something when TJ was sick. I learned to pack myself a "hanging at the hospital" bag quickly & without much thought. My bag contains: 1) laptop, power cord & air card 2) cell phone & charger 3) Kindle & charger 4) iPod, ear buds & charger 5) notebook & multiple pens 6) water bottle 7) snacks

Tuesday morning the nursing home called me at 3:00 am to tell me they were sending my Mom to the ER for shortness of breath and confusion. I packed my "hanging at the hospital" bag and took off, no animals fed and no shower for me. Good news is they admitted Mom with a diagnosis of pneumonia and she is expected to be fine in a few days.

I cried all the way to the hospital. I wasn't crying for my Mom, we have been through this with her before and I really felt like she was going to be OK. I was crying for myself. I was crying because I am tired. I am tired of the drama in my life. I am tired of being at a hospital. I am tired and don't really know how much more I can take. I was crying because it brought back all the memories of taking TJ to the hospital. I was crying because I realized that some of my strength died with TJ. I used to be strong and organized in situations like this but now I was falling apart?!

Once I got to the ER I began going through the motions; talking to the doctors, nurses & comforting Mom. But I really felt like I was truly just going through the motions, the passion and compassion was gone. WTF!! This is my Mother for good grief! When she fell & broke her hip & had to go to a rehab center I did my research and found the best place possible. When she refused to do rehab and ended up in a nursing home I made sure it was a nice place & the care was above par. She is in one of the nicest facilities in town. But now, that passion is gone. Gone with TJ.

I'm sorry Mom....I'm tired