A life plan. We all make one and if we are really honest with ourselves most of the time our plans don't work out as we had hoped. So, maybe, instead of asking ourselves, "what is my plan, what do I intend to do with my life?" Maybe we should just plan to be surprised.
When TJ died I thought I would be happier alone. I could have my work, my friends, my animals, etc. I thought someone in my life all the time would be more trouble than it is worth. I am not sure I want back into a relationship where someone is there to pick up the pieces. Where someone starts helping me and I get used to it. What if I am to love again and it falls apart? What if I learn that I need love and then suddenly I no longer have it.....again? What if I like it and lean on it? What if I shape my life around it and then it falls apart? I don't think I can survive that kind of pain again. Losing love is like death. The only difference is death ends, the suffering from a lost love goes on forever.
I am damaged goods and I have baggage, lots of it actually. I have unpacked many of those bags and stowed them away. Some of my bags were overflowing and I simply chucked them in the trash along with all the issues they carried with them. There are others though. Other bags that I carry with me and tightly grip their handles. I am afraid to let go of them, yet the thought of carrying them with me forever scares the hell out of me. I don't want the burden of dragging them with me wherever I go....forever. I am just not sure what will release my grip. Will time release my grip? Will a new love release my grip? Will a day come when I just get tired of dragging them around and chuck them? Will someone who loves me pry them out of my hands, all the while convincing me I no longer need them?
I know full well that I should face the fears I carry with me in those bags. But it is so much easier to keep them packed away and ignore them. That is not healthy and I know it, but I have no idea how to even begin to face those fears. Right now, for me, it is easier to bury my head in the sand and continue to drag my bags along with me.
"Sometimes people put up walls, not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break them down." ~ Unknown
I know full well that I should face the fears I carry with me in those bags. But it is so much easier to keep them packed away and ignore them. That is not healthy and I know it, but I have no idea how to even begin to face those fears. Right now, for me, it is easier to bury my head in the sand and continue to drag my bags along with me.
"Sometimes people put up walls, not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break them down." ~ Unknown
i wish you strength and answers. only because i struggle with my own questions and baggage.
ReplyDeleteVery well said. Slowly, eventually, you'll loosen your grip on some of those bags that you carry. For now, just go with the flow.
ReplyDeletebrilliant post, very well written.
ReplyDeletei struggle with my own baggage, too
i get horribly sad and disappointed when one of my plans is a massive fail, but i do hope i never stop hoping. i will still hope there are better days to come.
wish you strength, my friend!
hugs!
Sandy, everyone has baggage. And baggage is such a negative term, when really all it is -- life experiences. Some good, some not. But it makes us who we are. I think you are a pretty neat gal -- warts and all. (And I have alotta warts myself.)
ReplyDeleteI choose not to let go of my current baggage... I just get more luggage to carry whatever is to come my way in the days ahead. It's all good. :)
It is certainly much easier to ignore than to deal with - dealing with brings much pain. I think sometimes it's okay to leave it packed in the closet, as long as you don't overdwell on it.
ReplyDelete"Losing love is like death." I can even say that losing love IS death, but love doesn't only come from a partner, a husband, a friend. It is everywhere and in everything. when love is absent, we're not alive. Your situation is very hard, loneliness is terrible and being anxious about the future is even worse, just live and love. Don't make decisions or have plans. let love guide you.
ReplyDeleteSandy, I feel that what's good about this is that you know and understand your feelings and fears and what you are doing with them right now. You are not fumbling around in the dark, letting your fears overwhelm you. Go on living your life and something may happen to change everything. If it doesn't you are still living, loving your friends, your family, your dogs and other critters, and finding that love is all around you is a good thing.
ReplyDeleteThere will come a day when the hardened leather on that baggage is in tatters and you have grow tired of mending the shreds pain that hold it all together. When that day comes, I will be here. <3
ReplyDelete---Sandy, you are not used baggage.
ReplyDeleteYou Are Gucci Baggage!
You are beautiful.
Follow your heart. Love Love Love. Xx
I didn't comment on this post when I read it, because I had, and still have, no idea what I could say that would make any sense. I should be an expert on baggage, I certainly have enough of it. Over many years I've learnt where it will allow me to go and where it works as brakes. I'm still none the wiser on how to get rid of it entirely. But you, girl, you face things. You will sort yours I know it.
ReplyDelete