Living Alone

Often people ask me if I am OK living alone.  This surprises me, as I really don't think about it much until I am asked the question.  I have always been one that enjoyed my alone time.  In the past I would look forward to TJ going away on a hunting trip without me.  Sure, I missed him as I was used to him being around, but the time away from each other was good for the both of us. So, my answer is always, "Yes, I love it".

I enjoy doing things on my schedule.  I get to do what I want to do, with whom I want to do it with and when I want to do it.  I no longer have to "compromise".  Compromise is what good relationships are made of and while I didn't mind it with TJ, I sure don't miss it.  I tell people, "it is all about me now".  I say yes to the things I want to do and no to those things I do not want to do.  Other than those first few months after TJ's passing I don't feel lonely.  I miss TJ, yes, but I would not say I am lonely.  I have a very strong network of friends and there is always something to do should I choose.

I enjoy planning weekends to just stay home and do chores and/or projects around the house. To complete a project on my own is very rewarding and affirming that yes, I can make it without TJ. It is also on those weekends that I am able to really plan my future and set goals for myself. TJ & I pretty much had our life planned out, but now, I have to go in a different direction. I admit that I really do not have my new direction figured out completely yet, but when I am alone is when I can brainstorm different ideas.

About a year ago I started frequenting a small neighborhood coffee shop.  Often stopping there on my way to work or on a Saturday morning early.  In the winter it is filled with retired men waiting for their women who are next door at Curves.  I tend to be very chatty with strangers (not sure if that is good or bad) and have developed a few friendships with some of the regulars in there.  They know about TJ, my Mom, my dogs and just miscellaneous stuff in my life.  I share my dating adventures with them and they share dating adventures with me from their younger years.  This is my little place.  I have yet to take any of my friends there and don't plan to in the near future.  It is a separate part of my life that I enjoy immensly and I know not everyone would understand the friendships that I have developed there. So, even if I wake up on a Saturday or Sunday morning missing TJ and not wanting to be alone, I have a place to go.

Society tends to look at someone alone as pitiful.  I couldn't disagree more!  Alone is a choice.  It is one of the many options we have about how we live our daily lives.  I am sure there are many Mothers out there who would love to have the opportunity to get up on a Saturday morning and go to a coffee shop alone like I do.  Alone does not equal lonely.  If you are comfortable being alone then you are able to be comfortable with other people.

So yes, I really do love living alone....especially when I want to run the vacuum at 3:00 in the morning!

If you are struggling with being alone or even if you are like me and enjoy it, watch this video. It is very well said.

Struggling

I have to admit that I have been struggling since the accident.  For the first month I had a constant, pounding headache, I could barely turn my head and the pain in my neck and back was excruciating.  It was all I could do to get to work, physical therapy and take care of my animals.  I didn't feel like blogging or reading blogs.  I could not even think about turning on my computer when I got home.  I just wanted to lie flat and close my eyes.  My attitude was bad and I tended to get angry very easily.

I was spiraling into an abyss of negative coping behaviors.  I knew this, yet I could not seem to stop the descent.  I was reacting with anger and lashing out at those I was closest too.  I even lashed out at my physician.  I blamed myself for the accident; I should have seen the car coming and been able to avoid the whole incident.  I felt myself slowly slipping back into the deep depression I experienced after TJ passed.  I even had feelings of dejection and wondering if I should really just give up on moving forward.  Maybe it would be easier to just stop trying to get my life back on track altogether.

The thing that happened that finally got me turned around and headed back in the right direction, albeit slower than I would like, was when I lashed out at my Physician.  I spewed utter drivel upon him, I knew I was being unreasonable, yet I continued.  When I finally stopped he suggested I see a psychiatrist for my anger management issues.  What?! I hurt, I have a headache, I have a perfectly good reason to be angry.  My husband died, I had to move, my Mother died, I wrecked my truck....give me a freakin' break!  My anger is justified and "NO" I will not be seeing a psychiatrist for anger management issues.

While I did not see a psychiatrist I did do some serious introspection the next few days.  I realized that this high frustration level was not going to solve a darn thing and if anything it was making things worse.  I really needed to focus on what I could do to speed up the healing process. I do have a choice in this. I can lie down and focus on self-victimization or I can get up and view this as another obstacle to overcome.  Life is a journey and it is the obstacles that stop me from reaching my goals, but if I keep overcoming these obstacles I will eventually reach each and every one of my goals.

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~ Viktor Frankl

Just Stuff....

First of all I want to apologize to those who have blogs that I normally read on a regular basis.  I have been very sore from the accident and have just not felt like blogging or reading blogs.  I will be back as a regular reader soon.

As an accident update, I am now in physical therapy 3 times a week.  I believe it is helping a bit and the intensity of my headache is declining. Between work and physical therapy I seem to have a busy schedule.

Below are a few pictures I was going to post before the accident. (Click on the pictures to enlarge)

 Tater Tot wants to be just like Shiner when he grows up.

 A few of "the girls" at our fondue party.

 A couple of "the men" at the fondue party.

 Tater Tot and one of his many toys.

 This is an Ironwood tree in my yard that is just beautiful when it is in bloom in the spring!

 The best purchase I have made in a long time, a poolside bed, but the dogs think I bought it for them!

 Memorial Day party I had at the house with friends.

Friends hanging out and visiting by the pool on Memorial Day.

I really have not done much of anything since the accident.  I am taking it easy and trying to heal.  I did have friends over for the 4th but didn't even take pictures.  I was lucky to make it through the evening.

I have been jotting down blog ideas so watch out when I feel better!

Thanks to everyone who has called, text, tweeted and emailed to check on me. I appreciate the thoughts.

The Other Shoe Dropped!

Remember about a month back when I did a post called "Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop"?  Well.....it happened....the other shoe has dropped and let me tell you...It. Dropped. HARD!!

Thursday afternoon on my way home from work I was hit broadside by a red light runner.  I estimate he was going between 50 and 60 MPH when he hit me.  I drive drove a GMC 1500HD 4WD with oversized wheels and tires and a 6" lift.  It is a rather large truck.  The vehicle that hit me was a little car of some type.  The impact was so hard that not only did it spin my truck, it rolled my truck 2 full times.  My boss put 2 full rolls into perspective for me by saying that after the initial hit, I felt 8 additional hits!  My body is telling me that it felt all 9 hits.  I am extremely sore and spent the weekend just miserable.  I did not go to the hospital, but because of lingering pain and a continuous headache I believe I will be seeing my doctor.  When my truck came to a stop all I was concerned with was getting home to feed my animals.

I have posted some pictures I took of my truck when I went to the tow yard to retrieve my personal belongings.  When I see the pictures I am grateful that I was able to walk away.  I am grateful that I didn't have one of my dogs with me.  I am grateful I didn't have a passenger.  I am grateful for the two young men who stopped to make sure I was OK.

There was a point on Thursday evening, that I curled up in a chair and just cried.  I cried because I was scared of the thought of what could have happened.  I cried because I was really missing TJ to just take control and fix it all for me and I cried for my truck.  I loved that truck and TJ was so happy for me when I bought it.  It was not a practical truck, but it was what I had always wanted.  TJ and I were at a point in our life where he encouraged me to buy it even though it wasn't practical.  He told me I deserved it.

Was it the hand of God that protected me? Did TJ have his arms wrapped around me protecting me from harm? Was it just plain ole' dumb luck?  I don't know what it was, but I am grateful to not have serious injuries.

WEAR YOUR SEATBELT!  IT SAVED MY LIFE!

You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have ~ Unknown

Wedding Anniversay

TJ and I were together for 16 years, but we were only married for the last 5 months of his life.  I never saw a reason for us to marry.  We were committed to each other and a piece of paper wasn't going to make a difference.  But, when we were faced with his mortality all that changed.  TJ in no way wanted his family to be able to take anything from me.  He knew his family, including his kids, would be a problem and he wanted to ensure that they could not touch a thing we had spent so many years working for.  He had wanted to marry for years and I didn't, but when he said to me, "Please marry me before I die." I just could not say no any longer.

Our friends put together a beautiful wedding for us at a friend's house with the Superstition Mountains in the background and provided all the food, table decorations and a wedding cake.  My brother paid for the minister and my sister paid for a photographer.  Since TJ wasn't working and going through cancer treatments we were broke, but thanks to our friends and my family we were able to have a wedding we were proud of.  We were married on May 30, 2009.

This is a link to the wedding video our photographer put together for us: http://secure.smilebox.com/ecom/openTheBox?sendevent=4d5441784d7a4d334d5456384d6a41324d6a55324d7a6b3d0d0a&sb=1

Neither TJ nor I are religious so we opted for a non traditional "minister" as well as a non traditional ceremony.  Most importatly, we did not want to say "until death do we part".  We already knew that was going to happen.

Happy Anniversary TJ.  I will always love you and will forever carry you in my heart.

Wedding Ceremony:

On behalf of Sandy and TJ, I'd like to welcome you all and thank you for being here to share in this happy occasion.

A wedding ceremony is an outward form. To be true, it must be a symbol of something inner and real: a sacred personal union which nature might mirror, a church can solemnize, or a state may declare legal for some, but which only love can create and mutual loyalty fulfill.

To last, a marriage should be a consecration of each person to the other, and of both to the wider community of which they are a part. Because TJ and Sandy feel a great closeness and respect for all of you here, they chose each of you to witness their vows today. Marriage is an intensely personal act, but, in order for the couple's marriage to gain strength to last throughout the years, their union must be supported by their greater society of family and friends.

In this spirit, Sandy and TJ ask all of you now: do you support their marriage and accept the new partner into your life as family and a friend of your own?

Guests: We do.

Thank you all. Now, TJ and Sandy, marriage is a serious and lifelong commitment. The vows you make today should not be made lightly or without forethought. Are you prepared to enter into this solemn covenant?

Sandy and TJ: We are.

Minister: The German poet Rainer Maria Rilke wrote of marriage extensively in his letters. His words fit here:

For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation.

Marriage naturally combines the strengths and wills of two people so that, together they seem to reach farther into the future than they did before. Above all, marriage is a new task and a new seriousness -- a new demand on the strength and generosity of each partner.

Love is an opportunity for the individual to ripen, to become something in yourself, to become world, to become world in yourself for the sake of another person; it is a great, demanding claim on a person, something that chooses you and you are blessed by being a part of it.

Vows:

TJ and Sandy, as you exchange vows today; you are declaring your intent to live together in love for all your days. With this in mind,

I take you Sandy to be my wife, lover and best friend and these things I promise to you:

I will be faithful to you and honest with you,

I will respect, trust, help and care for you,

I will share my life with you

I will share with you everything that is to come throughout the rest of our lives together.

I take you TJ to be my husband, lover and best friend and these things I promise to you:

I will be faithful to you and honest with you

I will respect, trust, help and care for you

I will share my life with you

I will share with you everything that is to come throughout the rest of our lives together.

As Sandy and TJ have exchanged vows, they are not only joining together as partners, but also creating a new family, of which they will be the heart.

Rings:

May I have the rings? These rings are circles, unbroken, just as your love is unbroken and complete for each other. May the love between you grow and strengthen through all the years it would take to travel around your rings and come to their ends.

TJ: With this ring, I give you the promise that from this day forward you shall never walk alone. My heart will be your shelter; my arms will be your home. We will walk together through life as partners and best friends.

Sandy: With this ring, I give you the promise that from this day forward you shall never walk alone. My heart will be your shelter; my arms will be your home. We will walk together through life as partners and best friends.

Sandy and TJ, having witnessed your vows for marriage, and by the authority vested in me, I announce with great joy that you are husband and wife.

You may kiss your bride.

Apache Marriage Blessing:

Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be the shelter for each other. Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be the warmth for the other. Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before. Go now to your dwelling place to enter into the days of your life together. And may your days be good and long upon the earth.

Moving Forward or Letting Go

I had a conversation late last night with a widower friend of mine on twitter.  We started out by talking about the insomnia that so many of us have, but it quickly turned to a discussion of moving on.  What he said to me has stuck in my head and I wanted to share.  I have chosen to keep him anomyous as I do not know if he would want me to reveal his identity.  His series of tweets was as follows:

It changed for me, when I changed my thinking from the "moving forward" to the ability "letting go".  I know it sounds strange, but inside of me I always had a dislike for "moving forward". It was like betrayal for me. Then I realized, that I was afraid to let her go, because I thought I would loose her. I was so wrong, because one never looses the loved one in memories and heart. That started the change.

All day I thought about the difference between moving forward and letting go.  I, like my friend, am afraid to let TJ go.  He was a part of my life for 16 years and I am not willing to let him go.  Moving forward though, to me, means leaving TJ behind.  I can't do that either, he will always be in my heart.  So, instead of always thinking I need to move forward/on I am going to try to change my thinking to letting go.

I feel I need to make room in my life for the new and let go of the old.  I believe that if I stay open to new experiences and relationships I have much to gain after my loss.  Happiness turned to sadness, but sadness will turn to happiness again. Every day I become more and more optimistic about my future and I can't let what has happened in the past close my mind to the possibilities of the new.  I will not move forward, leaving TJ behind, instead, I will try to begin to let go of the past and carry him with me, in my heart, as I experience the many good things that are still to come in my life.

Letting go isn't the end of the world; it is the beginning of a new life. ~ Unknown

Bloggers, Win a Scholarship to Camp Widow!

In August, Camp Widow, the premier event for connecting widows and widowers, will be held for the THIRD YEAR. Please visit the website for location, list of speakers and workshops, registration, and Frequently Asked Questions. This is the only event run by a non profit organization BY widowed people and it's an exceptional weekend of support, new friends, and the freedom to "come as you are" -- where EVERYONE "gets it." The event is inclusive (men, women, LGBT, all ages, all parenting statuses) with content and social events to meet all needs and interests.

I strongly encourage widowed folks to attend. To make it easier, I am helping to fund this blogging contest, along with a group of friends.

Widowed Bloggers -- win a ticket to Camp Widow!

Write a post sharing WHY you want to attend Camp Widow 2011. Notify us that you posted by leaving a comment on this post (below) to make sure we see it (you can also send us a note.)

Camp Widow is a exceptional weekend for widowed people of all ages. We will choose one (possibly two) bloggers to receive a PARTIAL scholarship that covers Camp registration and some incidental expenses. NO ACTUAL CAMPING IS INVOLVED. Learn more about this event, which is in its third year, at campwidow.org.

How do I enter?

Please write and publish a blog post telling the world WHY you wish to attend. You can include topics such as how you expect to benefit, or share about some of the widowed people you've already met. You do not need to demonstrate financial need though if you wish to write a separate note discussing your financial circumstances, you may do so.

Who is eligible to compete?

Widows and widowers of all ages who started blogging before 4/1/11 and who are interested in attending Camp Widow 2011. Please note: you should be prepared to pay for and arrange your travel to and from, and your lodging in San Diego. (We can help you find a roommate to reduce costs). If our generous donors can pay more, they will, but please don't apply unless you are prepared to make the trip (including arranging child care, taking time off work, etc.).

Summary and dates

You must publish your blog post AND notify us by midnight EST, Tuesday, May 31.

We will notify the winner(s) within 2 weeks.

Camp Widow will be held August 12 to 14. Details are at campwidow.org.

Winner(s) MUST arrange and purchase their own travel and hotel reservations. Scholarship covers Camp Widow registration fee plus some incidentals.

Questions? Want to help fund this scholarship? We want to hear from you.

(Disclosure: This competition is hosted, managed, and funded by an independent group of widowed bloggers. We're not being compensated for creating this competition and those judging entries are not eligible to win.)