Waiting For Life To Get Easier

I keep waiting. Waiting for life to get easier. No mistakes, fewer risks, more rewards. But really, does it ever get any easier or do we just muddle through one struggle after the other? We tell ourselves, "it will all be OK if I can just get through this". We do what it takes to get through the current struggle only to be knocked down again by something else. So maybe, life never does get any easier. Maybe it is the struggle, the climb, the overcoming of one obstacle after another that life is all about. Life doesn't get easier, it just changes. It becomes different. In reality there is nothing simple or easy about life. I guess I should stop waiting for life to get easier and begin to live life. Live it, as complex and difficult as it is.

Most of us take the gift of life for granted.Your life is a gift. Accept it! No matter how screwed up or painful it seems to be. Life is not a dress rehearsal and there is no time for do-overs. We don't get to practice again and again until we get it right. Even those few times when we do get to rehearse, prepare, practice we find that we aren't even remotely ready for life's grand moments. If only we could slow things down. Because before you know it....the gift of life is gone. 


"To live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die." ~ Thomas Campbell

Hurt

It is so often that we forget how much the every day world can hurt. It can hurt people we love, people we don't and even people caught up in the middle. It can hurt those who would give absolutely anything if they would just never, ever, get hurt again. Often times the hurt can't be avoided. It comes hurling at us like a meteor whose path of destruction is unknown and nothing can be done to stop it. Other times it can't be seen and sometimes, it lies next to us in the dark only to disappear at the first glimpse of daylight.

The hurt reminds me of what I've known and what I have lost. It reminds me of what was and still is beautiful. Hurt reminds me of love given and love taken away. Love taken away too soon and unfairly. The more it hurts, the deeper the ache, the sweeter the memory. I may hate the hurt, but I have learned to live with it. There is no pain like losing someone you love. It takes a lot of courage to allow yourself to be happy again.

You can't prepare for the loss of someone you love deeply. You can't brace yourself. You may try to brace yourself, but the emotions run too deep. It hits you out of nowhere and suddenly, instantly, the life you knew before is over.....FOREVER.

It is then that you are lost. A lost, wandering soul. You seek the advice of others and surround yourself with trusted friends and family. You begin to gather everything in and listen to what all your advisers have to say. But, in the end, the decision is yours and yours alone. Because, ultimately, when you find yourself all alone, with your back up against the wall, the only voice that matters in the one in your head. It is that voice that is telling you what you probably already knew. It is that voice that is almost always right.

But, there are times that the hurt doesn't come at all. This is when this other thing flutters down upon us out of nowhere and stays just long enough to give us hope. It is during these times, however rare, but just when we need it the most and expect it the least, that we get a break. An unexpected, yet welcome, break.

Are You A Planner?

I am a planner. I like to know what is going on in my life on a daily basis and I don't like things to change. I get up at the same time everyday during the week. I go to bed at about the same time every night. I have a specific routine in the morning that I rarely waiver from. I know in advance what I am doing every evening after work. Please do not call on me to do anything "spur of the moment". Chances are good that I already have my day mapped out and to make changes throws me into a tailspin. Even canceling plans throws me off. A cancellation means I suddenly have spare time that I wasn't counting on and consequently I don't know what to do with that extra time.

Because I am such an avid planner I don't like surprises. I do like unexpected gifts, but don't put me in a car and not tell me where we are going. It doesn't matter how grand the surprise at the end, the stress of the unknown is just not worth it to me.

Many years ago TJ planned a surprise birthday party for me down at "The Shack". While we often had friends down there with us, there were many times we would go alone. Those alone times were very special to the both of us. It was those alone weekends that we would reconnect, rekindle our relationship and recharge our batteries. The year he planned the surprise party I had told him that for my birthday I wanted to go to the shack with just us, the horses, and the dogs. Off we went for an extended 4 day birthday weekend down south. Because we are in the foothills of the Dragoon mountains we can see traffic coming down the mostly untraveled dirt road for miles. We had not been at the shack very long when TJ said to me, knowing how I hate surprises, "I have to tell you something". As he said this he turned my back to the south so I could not see the incoming traffic. He proceeded to spill the beans, telling me everyone that was coming and at the same time apologizing for not telling me. The first words out of my mouth were, "I didn't bring enough food to feed that many people!!" He laughed and told me they were all bringing their own food and I did not have to cook for them. I ultimately had a wonderful birthday weekend with many good friends willing to drive 4 hours hauling horses to celebrate with me. Although, I have to admit that I am glad he spilled the beans before the trucks and trailers started rolling in.

What about you? Are you a planner or do you like surprises?

"Dreams, ideas, and plans not only are an escape, they give me purpose, a reason to hang on." ~ Unknown

Tater The Water Dog

Tater is obsessed with the pool. The moment I arrive home from work he begins running around like crazy wanting me to put my swimsuit on so we can go play in the pool. On Saturdays when I have the girls over for pool day he spends the whole day outside with us playing in the pool. My daily swim with Tater usually ends up with me laughing hysterically and very happy, wet dog.

 Last Thursday & Friday a girlfriend and her husband hung out at my pool while I was at work. She text me this picture of Tater with the caption, "Tater wants another Bud Light".

He loves to just float around the pool on "his" raft.

 I am not sure what he is doing here but his head is submerged. He obviously has no fear when it comes to the water.

 Dog tired from too much fun in the sun and pool!

You know my tag line....It's not all puppies and ice cream....so I wanted to leave you with what we found in the pool on Saturday. Ewwwww, I hate scorpions!

The Triggers That Lead To Pain

I still periodically run across triggers that bring tears to my eyes. My triggers vary widely; songs, smells, sights, sounds, words from other people. Going back to "The Shack" was a huge trigger for me. I had thought it through in my head and had myself convinced I was going to be fine. Nope....I cried.

Songs/music is another trigger for me, but not all of it is bad. There is some music that when I hear it will bring back a memory from deep in the recesses of my mind and put a smile on my face. But, of course, there is other music that no matter where I am or what I am doing will put tears in my eyes.

He Called Me Baby by Candi Stanton - Need I say more

Crying For Me by Toby Keith - Most of you probably don't know, but TJ was a left handed guitar player

Home by Michael Buble - I just want my old life back sometimes...I want to go home, but I can never go home again.

If you aren't familiar with any of the above songs click the link and give them a listen. They are all wonderful songs by their own right.

Last week I bought some overripe bananas to make banana bread. I couldn't bring myself to do it. TJ loved my banana bread and I thought the smell of it cooking would be too much. I threw the bananas in the garbage this morning.  Good thing I only spent 79 cents! Yet, there are other things that I cook that TJ loved and it doesn't bother me at all.

The sight of Shiner many times brought me to tears. Shiner was 110% TJ's dog and whenever I looked at him I saw TJ. I had to put him down last August and it broke my heart.

Good grief! Do they both have that don't bother us look on their faces or what?

Sounds! Oh my are there so many sounds that trigger me. Maybe not always tears, but a flash flood of memories. TJ was a carpenter when I met him and then we started our own crane service. The sound of a Skil Saw, a large diesel truck, the backup beeper on a large truck (he backed his crane in everyday when he came home from work), a nail gun, the hydraulics of a boom being extended. These are the sounds that I don't hear as frequently as I used to and it is those sounds that make me turn my head and acknowledge the memories.

Words from other people....I am over all the stupid stuff people say and have said....with one exception. This one exception does bring me to tears.....he is not my EX husband. Being apart is not something either one of us chose. You can call him my dead husband, my late husband, my husband that has passed away but he is not my EX!

We all have triggers, although some of us don't have such overpowering reactions. These associations can be limiting and paralyzing and can cause physical and mental pain that is completely unrelated to our current circumstances. They divorce us from the present and thrust us into a dark, painful past. The past is over. Today is a new day. We all deserve peace, but it is up to us to do it for ourselves.

Next time you find yourself stuck in a trigger that thrusts you into a painful memory just remember: we can't change that we've hurt before, but we can choose not to suffer now.

The Drive Home From The Shack

 On Sunday when I had to leave the shack I decided to do a few quick chores and hit the road early so I could take some back roads home. The first thing I wanted to do was to go take a look at the Grapevine Ranch. It is for sale and would be a dream purchase for me, but I had to go take a look at it anyway. Maybe I should start playing the lottery.

 I am partial to this picture of "The Beast" in front of the Grapevine entrance. I love my beast. The black tank in the back is for my water. It holds 85 gallons, plenty for a weekend, even with horses.

 This is right inside the gate to the Grapevine.

Mickey has total disregard for no trespassing signs!

I took Cascabel Road home and it was a beautiful drive.

I stopped along the way to take photos of the many ranch entrances that dotted the road.

If you know me at all, you know that I love cattle. I think they are beautiful creatures and even better on the grill. This photo has 2 of my favorite things...cattle and high plains desert. I could have stayed there all afternoon just watching the cattle graze with those beautiful mountains in the background..

7 Things About Me

I am not a fan of the whole blog award thingy, but this one was given to me by someone near and dear to me. A big thank you to JarieLyn over at Dance With Words, but it was through her other blog, Write Place! Write Chick! that we became friends. I met JarieLyn shortly after I began blogging, which was just as TJ received his terminal cancer diagnosis, and we have been bloggy friends every since. Over the years she has encouraged me with her comments and friendship. Thanks again JarieLyn!

So, of course, there are conditions placed on the receipt of this award; I have to tell you 7 things about myself. Well, turns out that isn't so easy for me. In a random email I was sending to a friend I mentioned this and said friend promptly emailed me back a list of 7 things about me. So, I have decided to use what my friend said about me, but include my responses.

You have a loving heart for distressed creatures.

              This is true! You can read about the dove I rescued HERE.

You have an exceptional taste in wine. But not snooty.

               Oh, I can be a wine snob, I am just too cheap to be one...lol

You have a cool truck. That you love.

               Yes! "The Beast" kicks butt and will out tow just about anybody! I used to have another kick butt truck but was hit by a red light runner, rolled & totaled my truck. You can see the pictures of the wrecked truck HERE.

You are a great interior decorator.

               This is just laughable....so not true & I have no idea where this came from!

You have fantastic friends and do girls night.

                I do have rockin' friends and I do a girls dinner every Wednesday, plus we do girls pool day every Saturday in the summer....I am blessed

You have a great sense of adventure.

                Sometimes....it depends on what it is

  

You have great faith and are willing to take blind steps because of your faith.
                I only recently learned this, but yes, true!

Now, I will pass this on to a few of my favorite bloggers.

Terri over at Terri Sonoda mostly because she likes to talk about herself as much as I do and she is hilarious!    Love ya T!

Kim over at My Inner Chick  Kim lost her sister, Kaye, to domestic violence and has now dedicated her life to bringing awareness to domestic abuse. I love you Kim!