I realized this week that I learned something when TJ was sick. I learned to pack myself a "hanging at the hospital" bag quickly & without much thought. My bag contains: 1) laptop, power cord & air card 2) cell phone & charger 3) Kindle & charger 4) iPod, ear buds & charger 5) notebook & multiple pens 6) water bottle 7) snacks
Tuesday morning the nursing home called me at 3:00 am to tell me they were sending my Mom to the ER for shortness of breath and confusion. I packed my "hanging at the hospital" bag and took off, no animals fed and no shower for me. Good news is they admitted Mom with a diagnosis of pneumonia and she is expected to be fine in a few days.
I cried all the way to the hospital. I wasn't crying for my Mom, we have been through this with her before and I really felt like she was going to be OK. I was crying for myself. I was crying because I am tired. I am tired of the drama in my life. I am tired of being at a hospital. I am tired and don't really know how much more I can take. I was crying because it brought back all the memories of taking TJ to the hospital. I was crying because I realized that some of my strength died with TJ. I used to be strong and organized in situations like this but now I was falling apart?!
Once I got to the ER I began going through the motions; talking to the doctors, nurses & comforting Mom. But I really felt like I was truly just going through the motions, the passion and compassion was gone. WTF!! This is my Mother for good grief! When she fell & broke her hip & had to go to a rehab center I did my research and found the best place possible. When she refused to do rehab and ended up in a nursing home I made sure it was a nice place & the care was above par. She is in one of the nicest facilities in town. But now, that passion is gone. Gone with TJ.
I'm sorry Mom....I'm tired