My life changed dramatically and forever when I lost TJ.

I welcome you to follow along as I adjust to my "new normal".

It is not all puppies and ice cream but it is my life....real and honest.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

2 Years Ago Today

How can something that happened that long ago be etched into my brain?  How can it creep into my thoughts yesterday morning and refuse to leave?  How can it deprive me of the joy of a nice spring weekend?

I had plans this weekend....I carried on with them, but not with the vigor I had intended.  I made myself not cancel the entire weekend and stay in bed.  I made myself smile.  I made sure my friends had no idea of the scene that was being played over and over again in my head.  I am sure they noticed my distance, but they are used to that.

It was the day my life as I had known it came to a screeching halt.  My world shifted and things that had been in progress were simply left undone.  Plans that had been made came unraveled.  I lost all control and was simply along for the ride.  There was nothing I could do to change it.  For the first time in my life I was powerless to control what was happening.

I had been blindsided and I wanted to strike back, but I couldn't.  I asked so many questions, but the answer was always the same.  I searched and searched for a way to get her to say something different but she wouldn't, she couldn't.  I kept throwing questions at her hoping for some other possibility, even a remote possibility.  Nothing changed.

I didn't know it then, but I was beginning the journey of a lifetime.  I didn't know how deeply I was going change.  I had no idea that what she was saying would forever and permanently change me.  I didn't know I was going to lose friends and I had no idea of the friendships I was going to gain.  Most of all I didn't know the strength I had inside of me and I definitely was not aware of the immense strength I would gain along the way.

Two years ago today she sat in that hard plastic chair next to TJ's ER bed and told us he had 20 brain lesions and it was most likely cancer.  Nothing but cancer causes that many brain lesions she told us.  I don't remember her name, but I do remember her face.  I remember the look of pity on her face.  Her face told me how serious it was.

2 Years Ago Today......I remember it as though it was yesterday.

From the depths of our struggles sprout the blossoms of our strengths ~ Unknown


  1. i am holding you close in my thoughts. i wish you peace.

  2. Sending a hug your way, my friend. Thinking of you tonight.

  3. Having worked as a nurse in a cancer clinic, I have had to be present too many times when this type of news was delivered. I never did get used to it. It still makes me sad. There is no way to soften it. I am so sorry for your loss.

  4. I'm so sorry for your loss, Sandy. I wish all good things for you in your life. You found the strength and it will not desert you. Sending lots of hugs and good thoughts you way. And I am so glad I met you.--Inger

  5. Thinking of you with prayers!

    I had a nurse in my life two years ago, too. I had been dx with ovca by my gall bladder surgeon and two weeks later I stopped at his office to pick up my records to transport to the onc/gyno who would do my cancer debulking surgery. I remember the pity on her face and I thought to's not THAT bad, is it??? I had no idea! But I sure learned fast.

    It is a good thing to remember that TJ loved you! That is a precious gift from him to you forever. It is a precious thing to be loved. Forever precious.


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