My life changed dramatically and forever when I lost TJ.

I welcome you to follow along as I adjust to my "new normal".

It is not all puppies and ice cream but it is my life....real and honest.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012


Merriam-Webster defines Separate as:
  • to set or keep apart
  • to make a distinction between
  • to go in different directions
Merriam-Webster defines Separation as:
  •  the state of being separated
  • a point, line, or means of division
  • an intervening space
We mindlessly separate so many things in our lives. We separate our laundry in whites and colors, we separate our lives into work and social and family, we leave our spouses for a trial separation, our country separates church and state. All this makes separation seem so easy. Not all forms of separation are so easy.

A huge part of my life ended when TJ died. It has taken me a while but I feel confident that I am ready to start the second part of my life. Although, I feel that somehow, I need to separate my life with TJ and my life now. I just don't know how to do that. I can't carry him with me forever. I don't want those past memories to invade the memories I am making for myself now. Honestly, I believe that when I begin to think about separating my life I get separation anxiety. I want to hold so tightly and so closely to my past life that I can't imagine separating it from my present life. Yet, there are times that my past life memories creep unexpectedly and unwanted into my new life. I have no defenses over my past life. It holds my soul and has a grip on the very essence of my being. I never thought that at this point I would still have days that completely unravel on me.

So, I guess my question to all of you is: Am I being unrealistic? Is it even possible to have a separation of two completely different lives. Should I even try to separate? Maybe it is OK to remember the past while forging ahead with the new. These are the questions that I am now asking myself on a daily basis. Either way, the unwelcome intrusions of my old life into my new life are something I either have to live with or learn to block out.


  1. I don't know if its possible to totally have two different lives. I spent almost 36 years with my husband, more than half of my life. I did nothing to acknowledge my husband's birthday on August 12th, the 3rd since he had died. The problem is my daughters birthday is August 11th and she was having a really hard time that weekend. I then started to feel guilty that I did not recognize the day and I wasn't sad until after I had talked with her. So will my daughters feelings be interfering with my moving forward? I will never forget him, and still get emotional at times at unexpected moments, so how do you have a new life with these unexpected moments popping up? I guess I'm not answering your question very well, just asking the same things.

  2. i don't have any advice to give - just a comment. your life is calling you to move forward. your heart holds so much love and so many memories of your previous existence, and it always will. i respect and admire your courage and your desire to keep living.

  3. I think it's fine to remember your past when you need to! Especially if it isn't bogging you down, but looking back with fondness. In that way, the past is always with you, but you can forge onward.

  4. I don't think I ever thought about this or planned anything... There is my life before he died, before he got sick, before we had a kid, before I met him... The story of my life shifts depending on what I'm focused on.

  5. I have never been in your position, but it seems to me that we can live WITH both as long as we don't live IN our past. Moving on with your life to see what joys and sorrows it holds for you is a courageous, yet necessary move I believe. Carry the good memories with you and make new ones to store for a future time. God Bless You for acknowledging your confusion and trying to find your path.
    Hugs, GraceinAZ (Pat)

  6. I don't think its unrealistic at all. To not allow the past the time and space it deserves within the memories of who you are and how life has shaped you, would be to lessen the importance of it. In my opinion. Its taken a full two years to understand this after my sister's death. Totally not the same as a spouse or partner, I know.

    I'm sure I even articulated what is in my head on this topic. I do know I wouldn't choose the blocked it out path. He was real, it was real and he is a part of who you are now. I would think that will be with you forever.

  7. Can you separate your old life and new life?

    --Nobody can answer that question, Sandy, unless they have been through a tragic loss.

    N O B O D Y.

    Many people have tried to give me advice and they don't know shit.

    Why not intertwine your 2 lives, rather than trying so despartely to let go?

    That is what I'm trying to do.

    I WILL NEVER let go of Kay. She is a HUGE part of my life. Her pulse if part of my pulse. Her roots are my roots.

    Sending you love, kisses, & MANY hugs, Dearest. Xxx

  8. everyone's life and relationship is different. i can't leave my Dragon behind but our lives and love weren't what you had. you have to do what's right for you. blend the two, move on with the one you have and weave in the new; i agree with My Inner Chick. nobody can tell you what to do. just do what feels right to you. do what brings you peace. at the end of the day, inner peace is all i work toward.

  9. My only thought on this Sandy -- whatever you have experienced in your past has made you the person you are today -- there's really no way to keep it all in separate compartments to open and close at will.

  10. Wow this is my first time to your blog and you asked the hardest question I have ever come across.
    I agree completely with Nancy's comment I think it would also not be easy to separate such important past lessons with your new ones so merging if you can would be idle. I am going to follow you and I am sure you are going to do just fine.HUGS from a stranger (for now) they always seem to help me and others. B

  11. Things happen in their own time. Turn it over. Believe. Once it works out, you'll understand why. :)


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