My life changed dramatically and forever when I lost TJ.

I welcome you to follow along as I adjust to my "new normal".

It is not all puppies and ice cream but it is my life....real and honest.

Monday, September 17, 2012

It Is Happening Again

The images. The horrible, horrible images. The last few weeks I have been waking up early with those darn images in my head again. You see, being a caregiver for someone you love deeply and watching them die leaves scars, deep scars. Scars that will forever be a part of your soul.

After TJ died I struggled with the images I saw every time I closed my eyes. I couldn't remember him healthy. All I saw was him frail, weak and dying. Those images haunted me. Those images still haunt me. I believe those images will haunt me my entire life.

It was because of those images that I did not/could not sleep for months. Lots of months. It adversely affected my general health. My therapist diagnosed me with PTSD. I thought he was crazy. Like many people I thought PTSD only afflicted war veterans. I began PET (prolonged exposure therapy) with Dr. Hallmark (not his real name & he doesn't like it when I call him that). I saw him weekly for 2 hours at a time and I believe we did this for 3 or 4 months. I got better. He promised me that I would get better and thankfully he came through for me.

So why then am I seeing those horrible images again? I thought I was done with that! I know how I am supposed to deal with it when it happens. Dr. Hallmark armed me with an array of tools to use. Those tools are supposed to keep those images from being debilitating. The tools aren't working.

Something has brought this back into my life and I wish I knew what it was. I have faith though. I have faith in myself and faith in Dr. Hallmark. Together we will figure it out, this I know.

"Any fool can be happy. It takes a man with real heart to make beauty out of the stuff that makes us weep." ~ Clive Barker


  1. oh, sandy. i am sorry. i can only imagine the trauma and pain that recurs.

  2. Sadly PTSD can be retriggered. I hope you can figure out an effective way to handle the images and find some peace. Hugs Sandy.

  3. oh, i am so sorry to hear that, my dear sandy.

    i hope you find some peace soon. keep having faith in yourself and your doctor.
    hang in there, sandy!
    sending you my warmest hugs.
    i'm thinking of you!

  4. The mind is something we can't always control.

    After my dad died, I had the image of him taking his last breath for months -- during the day and in my dreams. (I was the only family member present when he actually did this.)

    But after a time, I started having dreams of my dad when he was younger and in good health. Now, that's the only image I see. I have faith that you will come to this point regarding your dear TJ.

    Big hugs, Sandy...

  5. I'm so sorry that those images have come back again. Please keep letting us know how you are doing. We are here for you, your blogger friends are. I'm sending love, good thoughts, and lots of hugs your way.

  6. Oh Sandy, I do feel for you and feel utterly hopeless as I haven't a clue how to say anything that could be helpful. But you know I have faith in you and know your strength - you will get through!

  7. --Sandy,
    yes. you will figure it out, dear.

    I haven't had a good night sleep since Kay was murdered.

    I don't think I ever shall.

    Xxx Sending you hugs from Minnesota.

  8. Oh Dear Sandy, first let me send Healing Energies and Prayers your way that the Images will begin to be less Haunting and more Lovely as you Heal from your terrible Loss. What helped me remember my Dad in his Healthy years was to visualize him in Spirit, his Essence, rather than the vessel which contained him here on this side of Time & Eternity. The Essence of my Dad was always Wonderful and Memorable in the best ways possible and that is how I choose to remember and pay Homage to him now that he has crossed over. The thing I found most difficult as the years have gone by is sometimes forgetting what his voice sounded like, I didn't want to forget anything you see... but now I am content to remember the Sweet Words he always spoke & the Sage advice he always gave regardless of the tone it comes across in Spirit to my ears all these years later.

    I want to Thank you for stopping by for a Blog Visit from my Blog Friend Jo's spot here in the Land of Blog. I am glad you were moved by the Post in a good way... sometimes being able to connect, even through the sadnesses & struggles of life, is as enriching as sharing the good times.

    Hugs from the West Side of the Valley of the Sun ... Dawn... The Bohemian

  9. Its been two years since my sister died and I still have an onslaught of images flash through my head...I don't even have to be asleep. Her death wasn't a long drawn out process so I won't even pretend to know what that is like.

    She did have her skull cap removed and stored in her belly while stupid effn doctors chased their tails after having clinically killed her. It was hard to see the gaping hole in the back of her head where they were 'draining' the overflow of brain matter as her head continued to expand. Those are the images I have. I'm not Dr. Hallmark so I have no medical support for my position that sometimes its just our head and hearts still trying to process what we experienced.

    Regardless, I can understand how disruptive it can be and I'm sorry you're being hit with it again. IT doesn't sound like backward movement though... you're still moving forward. This is just part of that momentum.

  10. Oh Sandy I just want to hug you and tell you it will be alright but I know I cannot. I do know you will get through this with the help from the ones who care surrounding you. I still have images of my Dad dying in his bed. HUGS B

  11. Sandy Thanks for stopping by... The Princess is feeling so much better today so will be back in School by tomorrow... they recover so quickly and are so resilient! As for me, yes, I'm taking good care of myself tonight... a BFF and I are going to an Event Preview Party tonight in Downtown Phoenix at Sweet Salvage and I'm really looking forward to it... good food, good Friends and tons of Inspiration and Creativity. After this lengthy Florence Nightingale gig I'm needing a brief respite. *Winks*

    Dawn... The Bohemian

  12. I'm late I know, but i understand how hard it is and I'm sending you hugs


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