My life changed dramatically and forever when I lost TJ.

I welcome you to follow along as I adjust to my "new normal".

It is not all puppies and ice cream but it is my life....real and honest.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

I Am Actually OK

Well, it has been 1 week since losing TJ and I think all things considered I am doing OK. He did not want a traditional service; he wanted me to have a party so that is exactly what I did. Friday night beginning at 6:00 PM we began a celebration of TJ's life and boy was it a celebration. I know over 100 people were here throughout the night and lots of TJ stories being told. I put together a DVD of pictures to play continously on the TV and everyone was mesmerized by it. Although it brought lots of tears from men and women alike it also brought back many good memories of TJ and his love for life itself. I was overwhelmed by the mere number of people who showed up to celebrate his life and offer support to me.

As for me I think I am doing pretty much OK. I do have my moments but they pass. Tonight I burnt my steak that I cooked for myself on the grill.....TJ always cooked my steaks perfectly......I cried and cried. It is odd to me that something so minor can bring me to my knees with pain and sorrow. I don't know how long this will last but I do hope it is over soon....I hate the hurt, the pain and most of all I hate the fear. The fear of a very unknown future for myself is overwhelming.

On a brighter note some guys came by today to pick up and return the tables and chairs I borrowed for TJ's party. We had a couple beers together and I asked them to get some boxes down out of the attic for me to go through. I informed them that there were probably only about 8 - 10 boxes so it wouldn't take long. Well.......Mr. Pack Rat himself had a garage full of boxes up there. I had no idea!!!! Some were empty ??!!?? But most seemed to be full of just miscellaneous stuff that should have been tossed quite a while ago. Anyway, we all had quite a laugh at the sheer volume of stuff up there and swore that TJ was laughing at us hauling all of that stuff down out of the attic. In light of this I have decided that my first project is to go through the garage (which is full of attic boxes now). Then I will begin on the rest of the house. I know this will be heartbreaking but it is a task that must be done. Wish me luck!!


  1. Oh Sandy, tears are streaming down my face right now. I really felt your emotion when you cried after burning your steak. I'm glad you have friends coming over and talking about TJ and celebrating and laughing about the good times. When I drink my next beer I raise my bottle and think of you and TJ.

  2. I feel for you, Sandy. It's the unexpected little things that catch you out, not the things we prepare ourselves for. I'm glad you had the party TJ wanted, it sounds great. Don't be shy to let others help, that's how many people express their respect. Know that you are in my thoughts and I'm sending positive thoughts your way.

  3. Sandy, I feel your pain. I lost my father about 10 years ago to cancer. I don't think you ever really get over the loss and pain but you can learn to live through it. Honor his memory. A day doesn't go by where I find myself wishing my dad was still here. I will say a prayer for you.

  4. Oh Sandy...I too feel a tug at my heart and tear strings right now...I lost my daughter nine years ago and everyday is still a "I am actually Okay' kind of day...I was just crying yesterday for the days when I was surrounded by family...I to threw Ane a party and memorial service that she would have wanted...hugs to you...

  5. Hi Sandy, hope you are doing OK. I've left you an award at my blog if you'd like to accept it. Thinking of you, girl.

  6. You are strong as those of us who read your blog know only too well. You can hurt and still be strong, ironical as that seems.

    I mourn the loss of TJ with you. Together your fight was admirable and you both have been an inspiration to those of us following the same path.

    I love the party idea.

  7. I have arrived at your blog courtesy of Pauline at the Paddock. What a time to arrive. So sorry about your loss and can only hope that you get through each day with at least some postive thoughts shining through. The only thing I can offer is the song 'One day at a time' - when someone very close to me died it was a case of One hour at a time. May you survive each hour and may each one be fractionally better than the last.

  8. Arohanui Ataahua wahine toa
    Big love to a beautiful strong woman..


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