My life changed dramatically and forever when I lost TJ.

I welcome you to follow along as I adjust to my "new normal".

It is not all puppies and ice cream but it is my life....real and honest.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Still Trudging Through the Week Hour By Hour

Well, it is not always hour by hour, sometimes it is even minute by minute. At times it feels like TJ is just on a trip and will be returning home any day now, but then something will happen or a thought will pop into my head and I come to the realization that he is not coming home any time soon or for that matter ever. This reality really hit me yesterday when they called from the mortuary to let me know his ashes were ready for me to pick up. When I hung up from that phone call I felt like I had hit a block wall with full force. The reality of what has happened brought me to my knees like it has not yet done. I realized that he will never be home again and that I am alone for now and for the foreseeable future. The sheer emotion of it all just coarsed through my entire body and I was frozen with fear. I felt utterly helpless and literally sick to my stomach. Fortunately this like all the other emotions I go through passed with a little bit of time. I don't know when I will go pick up his ashes but it will be within the next week and hopefully I have more of a grip on what has happened to my life.

I am supposed to go back to work on Monday but I am not sure that I am ready. I am still very emotionally unstable and don't know if I can handle it yet. I want to, but I am thinking another week of working from home would do me some good. Will have to talk to my boss about that.

In spite of the emotional roller coaster I have been on something wonderful happened to me today courtesy of my fellow blogger, Pauline from The Paddock, she has given me an award. If you frequently read my comments then you are familiar with her. She has left the kindest words for me and even when TJ was so terribly ill and I did not blog for a few weeks she emailed me to let me know TJ & I were in her thoughts.

Part of accepting this particular award is that you have to give one word answers to a series of questions and chose 6 other bloggers to pass the award along to. The questions are kinda silly but first I want to list my 6 bloggers and in no particular order and no particular reason other than the fact that I enjoy reading their blogs.

Daria - Living With Cancer
Jane - A journey of Another Kind
Bill - Cancer Can Suck It
WhiteStone - Wanna Walk Along
Shabby Girl - A Fish's Beach Wishes
Deb - My Husband's Cancer RCC

Now for the silly questions:

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2. Your Hair? Curly
3. Your Mother? Crazy
4. Your Father? Deceased
5. Your Favorite Food? Mexican
6. Your Dream Last Night? None
7. Your Favorite Drink? Wine
8. Your Dream/Goal? Dunno
9. What Room Are You In? Home Office
10. Your Hobby? Animals
11. Your Fear? Future
12. Where Do You Want To Be In 6 Years? Dunno
13. Where Were You Last Night? Hitchin Post
14. Something That You Aren't? Secure
15. Muffins? What???
16. Wish List Item? Kindle2
17. Where Did You Grow Up? Indiana
18. Last Thing You Did? Phone
19. What Are You Wearing? Jeans
20. Your TV? Old
21. Your Pets? Awesome!!!
22. Friends? Many
23. Your Life? Uncertain
24. Your Mood? Sad
25. Missing Someone? Hell Yes !!!!
26. Vehicle? GMC
27. Something You're Not Wearing? Shoes
28. Your Favorite Store? Feed
29. Your Favorite Color? Purple
30. When Was The Last Time You Laughed? Last Night
31. Last Time You Cried? Today
32. Your Best Friend? More than 1
33. One Place That I Go To Over & Over? Mountains
34. One Person Who Emails Me Regularly? Father-In-Law
35. Favorite Place To Eat? Home


  1. Oh Sandy, I can only imagine the depth of emotion that you are feeling. My heart goes out to you. Whenever you start to feel sad or lonely, just remember something funny and good about TJ and you will feel his presence.

    I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better, but I know that there aren't any words in the entire vocabulary that can make the pain of your loss go away.

    Just know that you are in my thouhgts.

    Congratulations on your first blog award. You truly deserve a pick me up.

  2. I didn't tell you there were conditions to the award did I, Sandy? Every time you see it you must attempt a smile and imagine the hugs coming to you from you blog friends. I can't imagine how rough life must be for you right now but I know you will be OK.

  3. I'm terribly behind reading blogs. Thank you so much for the award.

    I feeling very teary these days and the first part of your post brought me to tears. I'm so sorry this disease is so awful ...

  4. If anyone is deserving of this award you are! Your blogging has been beautiful under even the harshest of conditions. And very brave.

    If possible, definitely take the next week off. Hopefully your boss will understand.

    Returning to work can be healing too, when you're ready.

  5. Hi Sandy, every day I hope there will be a post from you. You are constantly in my thoughts. Are you OK? I tell myself it's weird that I care but I do! You can care about people you have never met if, for some unknown reason, you feel a "connection". I hope you soon feel good enough to return to blogging.


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