I had to leave the house TJ & I lived in shortly after his death and lot of things in my life have changed since then. Not to mention the obvious. I moved just over a year ago and I think moving was a good thing for me to do. It was a kind of starting over. A new house without all the memories hanging over my head and a new start at making new memories. I have said before that it was a repo so I have been very busy getting it the way I want it and, in a way, it has been fun. I like my new house but I am not sure it will ever be home. I find myself calling it "the house" often instead of home. I am not sure it will ever be home to me.
Some days I just feel like it isn't real, like I have stepped into another person's life, and I just want to go home. Home to TJ and back to my old life. Our life was easy and simple, there is nothing about my new life that is easy or simple. Caring for a house, 1.5 acres and all my animals on my own is hard some days. In the past I was usually the one to care for the animals, but if I was having a day where I didn't feel like it TJ was always willing to step up and do it for me. He took care of the yard and all house maintenance. Now it is all on me to do. Our 3 dogs are getting older and we would often talk about how hard it was going to be on us to lose them. Now....how hard it will be on me.
My life is different now, not bad, just different.
I just want to go home, but I can never go home.