My life changed dramatically and forever when I lost TJ.

I welcome you to follow along as I adjust to my "new normal".

It is not all puppies and ice cream but it is my life....real and honest.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

I Want To Go Home

Sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling that I just want to go home.

I had to leave the house TJ & I lived in shortly after his death and lot of things in my life have changed since then.  Not to mention the obvious.  I moved just over a year ago and I think moving was a good thing for me to do.  It was a kind of starting over.  A new house without all the memories hanging over my head and a new start at making new memories.  I have said  before that it was a repo so I have been very busy getting it the way I want it and, in a way, it has been fun.  I like my new house but I am not sure it will ever be home.  I find myself calling it "the house" often instead of home.  I am not sure it will ever be home to me.

Some days I just feel like it isn't real, like I have stepped into another person's life, and I just want to go home.  Home to TJ and back to my old life. Our life was easy and simple, there is nothing about my new life that is easy or simple.  Caring for a house, 1.5 acres and all my animals on my own is hard some days.  In the past I was usually the one to care for the animals, but if I was having a day where I didn't feel like it TJ was always willing to step up and do it for me.  He took care of the yard and all house maintenance.  Now it is all on me to do.  Our 3 dogs are getting older and we would often talk about how hard it was going to be on us to lose them. hard it will be on me.

My life is different now, not bad, just different.

I just want to go home, but I can never go home.

Never again.


  1. I wish I had the words to offer to make it better, but I know there aren't any. I feel the sadness in your words. I hope there comes a day when it will ease and you will again feel at home.

  2. I can't imagine how hard that must be some days. I wish I lived closer - I'd come take care of every last one of your animals any day you didn't feel like it. (((hugs)))

  3. I feel that way too, when I pass by our old apartment. It'll never be the same again.

  4. I'm sending lots of love and many, many hugs to you, Sandy.

  5. it's my day off and i am working here at the apartment on some sewing, for myself and for others. sew, break and work on something else. this post made me cry. i want to go home. my Dragon and i lived beside the cold North Atlantic, up north where each warm season was never taken for granted. but the winters were warm with him there. i had to move. i left the day of his funeral. i was so numb, in such shock that he had had the heart attack. nothing i did worked. nothing they did worked. he left me. he left home. and then, because he did, so did i.

    it is not bad here, just different. your words. mine are about the same except the sky is wrong. i can't see it that well. there are no waves or cries of any gulls. this is a city. we lived in a town where we could walk from town limit to town limit. Gloucester embraced us, but we were way out on a secluded cove. Rockport. i want to go home, too.

    i wish you peace.

  6. oh sandy. you make me cry. I believe there is happiness left for you. Keep you heart open, beautiful soul. I am so sorry, honey.

  7. I'm so sorry for all your sadness, my friend. You are so very sweet. I wish I could help in some way. Your daily inspiration tweets always lift my day up a little bit. I look for them for just that reason. HUGS

  8. Oh Sandy, I really feel for you. I do hope your yearning for home passes and you find comfort in your new "place".

  9. I'm still in the same home we lived in. Ben and I lived here since we moved back home from Seattle. This is the house I grew up in that my siblings have been renting from my parents. It's not always easy, and sometimes I wish I was able to afford renting my own apartment. I'm starting to panic a little. Not sure what the future holds for me in terms of income...stick it out with self-employment until I finally succeed, or find a permanent job after 2-3 years of chaos? Will I ever get out of this house?!

    I sometimes think moving away right after Ben died would have been therapeutic for me. But, maybe it's best I stayed...for now. I think I would be feeling the same way you are. Wanting to go home.

    Thinking of you, take care.


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