It is Tuesday, May 15, 2012 at 6:30 pm. To you, my reader, the time and date is not important but for me it is very important. Much of my life the past 3 years is chronicled in this blog and tonight I want to remember this turning point. I want to remember it forever. Today has been a beautiful day in Arizona so I decided to dangle my legs in the pool with a glass of wine, a book and Tater Tot. When Tater bored of playing with me I began watching the sun set on the beautiful Superstition Mountains that I fell in love with many years ago. They are why I live here.
I began to think about my life, my future, what I want. The amazing thing is that I did not look at these things as my life after TJ, or my future without TJ, or what I want now that he is gone. I was simply thinking about me. He did not enter my mind. I was not thinking what would TJ want me to do, or he would approve or disapprove of this. I was only thinking of myself. This is a first. Sure, after he died and I bought the new house, I used to say, "it is all about me now" but it never really was, he was always there, in my mind, guiding my every decision.
I found myself with a sense of inner peace, calm, and yes, even happiness. True happiness. I looked around my property and saw my "home". I saw this place where I have lived for 2 years as my "HOME"! They say home is where the heart is, but my heart has not been here. It is now. I see a future here for me. I see lots of happy memories being made here. Isn't that what a home is all about?
So, before the sun sets completely, I am going to pour a 2nd glass of wine and watch that beautiful, beautiful mountain turn red. I will toast to TJ, whom I will always remember and love and hold in my heart, but I will also toast to myself for having reached this point. I will toast to the new life I am about to embark on. And by the way, I have tossed some of that old tattered baggage that I have been dragging around with me into the desert. I may have kept a small carry on, but that is nothing compared to what I have rid myself of.
While I watch the sunset tonight I will say goodbye to many things, but more importantly I am looking forward to the sunrise tomorrow. I am on the precipice of something new and wonderful. The baggage I carry now is in the overhead compartment, out of sight and out of mind. I might, just maybe, leave it there, as I will soon be changing planes.