My life changed dramatically and forever when I lost TJ.

I welcome you to follow along as I adjust to my "new normal".

It is not all puppies and ice cream but it is my life....real and honest.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

A Corner Turned - Unexpectedly

It is Tuesday, May 15, 2012 at 6:30 pm. To you, my reader, the time and date is not important but for me it is very important. Much of my life the past 3 years is chronicled in this blog and tonight I want to remember this turning point. I want to remember it forever. Today has been a beautiful day in Arizona so I decided to dangle my legs in the pool with a glass of wine, a book and Tater Tot. When Tater bored of playing with me I began watching the sun set on the beautiful Superstition Mountains that I fell in love with many years ago. They are why I live here.

I began to think about my life, my future, what I want. The amazing thing is that I did not look at these things as my life after TJ, or my future without TJ, or what I want now that he is gone. I was simply thinking about me. He did not enter my mind. I was not thinking what would TJ want me to do, or he would approve or disapprove of this. I was only thinking of myself.  This is a first. Sure, after he died and I bought the new house, I used to say, "it is all about me now" but it never really was, he was always there, in my mind, guiding my every decision.

I found myself with a sense of inner peace, calm, and yes, even happiness. True happiness. I looked around my property and saw my "home". I saw this place where I have lived for 2 years as my "HOME"! They say home is where the heart is, but my heart has not been here. It is now. I see a future here for me. I see lots of happy memories being made here. Isn't that what a home is all about?

So, before the sun sets completely, I am going to pour a 2nd glass of wine and watch that beautiful, beautiful mountain turn red. I will toast to TJ, whom I will always remember and love and hold in my heart, but I will also toast to myself for having reached this point. I will toast to the new life I am about to embark on. And by the way, I have tossed some of that old tattered baggage that I have been dragging around with me into the desert. I may have kept a small carry on, but that is nothing compared to what I have rid myself of.

While I watch the sunset tonight I will say goodbye to many things, but more importantly I am looking forward to the sunrise tomorrow. I am on the precipice of something new and wonderful. The baggage I carry now is in the overhead compartment, out of sight and out of mind. I might, just maybe, leave it there, as I will soon be changing planes.


  1. i got chills reading this, sandy. happy expectation chills for you. :)

  2. Sandy, how touching - a true and honest account of what this journey, and it is a journey, is all about. I'm happy for you.

  3. Sandy, I am crying right now. Something about your post hit me hard and the tears are streaming down my face. I am so happy that you reached a turning point and you can look forward to your future for yourself. You have been an inspiration to a lot of people, including me.

    I have to tell you that today while I was sitting in Dr. office waiting room, I was thinking about the post you wrote the other day about baggage. It really resonated with me and so while I waited, I wrote about my baggage too and it flowed so easily and it's all because of you. You inspired me and I was thinking about you, this total stranger whom I've never met before, but here you were, inside my head. So, thank you for that. Even though we are strangers, in a way, we are not.

  4. Now this is a beautiful, raw piece of writing Sandy.

  5. Hi Sandy. This post gave me such a warm, happy feeling. I'm so happy you've reached this place in your life. You sound content and grounded. What a lovely place to be! I'm so happy for you, my friend! Big Hugs, neighbor.

  6. #1, yay
    #2, this is beautiful
    #3, your writing is very good
    #4, i <3 you

  7. I love it, love it!!! Beautiful, and by the way? you used to wonder what TJ wanted you to do? it's exactly what you did, think about YOU <3

  8. Toast to you Sandie, beautiful blog!

  9. Sorry I spelled your name wrong Sandy, must have had other Sandie on my mind. Also wanted to add, for those of you who don't live in the desert, it is so peaceful and calming at night. We love it.

  10. --Sandy,
    I shall toast you tonight w/ a glass of Merlot...for how far you have come on your journey, & for inpiring so many with your beautiful words about the red sunset.... Xxxxxx

  11. i've seen your photos. you do have a beautiful home. i've been to the Superstition Mountains and the austere beauty of them exude a peace that one only has to sit quietly for to feel. i sense you are in a good place. i am happy for you. one day i will find a home and i will be at peace. until then, Bunny is happy that you are happy. kiss Tater Tot for Bunny.

  12. Dear Sandy, I am so happy for you. I am sure this is exactly what TJ would want for you too.


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