I have split my life into two sections. My life with TJ before he died and my new life without TJ. There are so many things that I want to hold onto from my past life. Sure, I will always have my memories, but there are other things that are slowly and piece by piece slipping through my fingers. Last August I had to put TJ's dog, Shiner, down and that was very much like losing a part of TJ. Last week I put Okie down. While Okie was 100% my baby he was still from my past life. Our home is gone. My truck is gone. These are just a few of the little bits and pieces of my past life that are falling off and out of my reach. It scares me to think that soon all I will have left is my memories.
Some days I struggle with the conflict between my future and watching my past slowly slip to mere memories. I believe there is always a way to turn your life around if you look for it hard enough and it is never too late to start again. It is the letting go of that past life that is hard. It hurts, but the hurt reminds me of what was, and is beautiful. Of what I've known, and lost. Of love given, and love taken away. The more it hurts, the deeper the ache, the sweeter the memory. So, while I hate the hurt, I have learned to live with it.
There is no pain like losing someone you love. It takes a lot of courage to allow yourself to be happy again. I am happy again. I have learned that it is not about having the answers in life; rather it is about the search for those answers. I know that I am free to live my life as I want to; with my heart wide open and my soul alive with song.
"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude." ~ Denis Waitley