The Return To "The Shack"

It has been almost 2 years since I have been to "The Shack". For my new readers, "The Shack" is my property in Southeastern Arizona.  I own 10 acres at the base of the Dragoon Mountains.  TJ & I bought it years ago with the intention of it being our place to retire. Until we could retire and build a home there we wanted to use it. The property borders state land and is 1/4 mile from National Forest. Fantastic horseback riding country. In order to make it convenient for us to use we built a shack on it for shelter when we camped down there. The main shack was first and then a guest shack and then a bathroom. TJ used to tease me that he wasn't going to actually build me a house there....just 2,000 square feet of shack! Over the years we spent many weekends, weeks and once 2 weeks down there. Numerous friends came down with horses and lots of parties & horseback riding was based at "The Shack". I have neglected the place and I finally decided that I either needed to take care of it or sell it. My choice was to take care of it and in order to do that I had to return and assess it for repairs.

I knew returning there would be hard and take an emotional toll on me, but I had no idea it would completely drain me emotionally. Looking back I realize that just preparing for the return was emotional for me. We have no water or electricity so water must be hauled down with me. Just the simple act of packing the truck to leave seemed to have me reeling. TJ & I had packing to leave down to a science. He had certain things that he did and I had things that I did. We could pack and be on the road in less than an hour.

Once there I was surrounded by bittersweet memories. Everything about the place has TJ's signature on it. He was a fantastic carpenter and the buildings, while in disrepair now, were once beautifully constructed buildings. Both shacks have wood burning stoves in them for warmth in the winter. TJ built both of the stoves as well. He could build just about anything out of wood or metal. The entire weekend my brain was flooded with memories of what used to be. Friday night I barely slept because I could not turn my mind off.

(click on pictures to enlarge)

 The Bathroom! Complete with flushing toilet (if you fill it up with water first) !
Dragoon Mountains in the background.

 The main shack on your left and the guest shack on your right. Tater Tot in the middle!!

Both are seriously in need of paint!

My shower location. The actual shower was too filthy and I had no cleaning stuff so I just showered outside.
Off in the distance are the Chiricahua Mountains.

This was how my Saturday morning began. Dead batteries!
Kudos to AAA for sending a truck to jump me.
But mostly kudos to Albert for such a great attitude even though he got stuck getting to me.

This was Tater Tot's first trip to "The Shack".
He thoroughly enjoyed himself and slept all the way home.

While the emotions were overwhelming at first I did ultimately adjust. I was happy to be back home and I thoroughly enjoyed my weekend. Just like always, I hated to leave on Sunday and I can't wait until I can get back.

Kitchen Remodel

The kitchen is one of the most expensive rooms in a home to remodel. I was lucky as I didn't have to pay labor and I brought all my appliances from the old house with me, but cabinetry is an investment in itself. I chose to put all new cabinetry in the house; kitchen, bathrooms and laundry room. I searched and searched for cabinets. I did the lay out of the kitchen myself and had a list of cabinet sizes I needed. I finally found a guy that had reasonable prices and would sell me cabinets based on my measurements and not charge me to send a guy out to do what I had already done!

I did splurge and pay $100 for delivery. I would have had to make quite a few trips and my time and fuel would have cost me more than their delivery fee.

 This is one side of the kitchen before demo began.

 Bob is working on demo while I take pictures!

 This is a view of the other side of the kitchen before demo.

 After photo of kitchen.

Note that I added a pantry.

While I no longer feed a family I still wanted more storage.

Another after photo. Those are old hats of TJ's up top as well as his old rope saddle.

I did an overhang with the counter as much as I could without having to use corbels to create a bar area.

Turns out I love that bar area and sit there all the time!

My counter tops are laminate. I am probably the only person in the world that absolutely can not stand granite. I have a friend that does granite and offered to do them at a deep discount for me and I just couldn't force myself into granite. Granite tops can harbor a plethora of bacteria and if you don't believe me you can read about it HERE . I also find granite to be very cold and hard. I figured that with concrete floors and dark cabinetry I needed something to soften my kitchen.

The kitchen was fun, but I couldn't measure for counter tops until the cabinets were installed so I lived with no counters and of course no kitchen sink for 2 weeks. That was kind of a hassle but worth it when it was all said and done.

My Past Life Is Slowly Slipping Away

I have split my life into two sections. My life with TJ before he died and my new life without TJ. There are so many things that I want to hold onto from my past life. Sure, I will always have my memories, but there are other things that are slowly and piece by piece slipping through my fingers. Last August I had to put TJ's dog, Shiner, down and that was very much like losing a part of TJ.  Last week I put Okie down. While Okie was 100% my baby he was still from my past life. Our home is gone. My truck is gone. These are just a few of the little bits and pieces of my past life that are falling off and out of my reach. It scares me to think that soon all I will have left is my memories.

Some days I struggle with the conflict between my future and watching my past slowly slip to mere memories. I believe there is always a way to turn your life around if you look for it hard enough and it is never too late to start again. It is the letting go of that past life that is hard. It hurts, but the hurt reminds me of what was, and is beautiful. Of what I've known, and lost. Of love given, and love taken away. The more it hurts, the deeper the ache, the sweeter the memory. So, while I hate the hurt, I have learned to live with it.

There is no pain like losing someone you love. It takes a lot of courage to allow yourself to be happy again. I am happy again. I have learned that it is not about having the answers in life; rather it is about the search for those answers. I know that I am free to live my life as I want to; with my heart wide open and my soul alive with song.

"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude." ~ Denis Waitley

RIP Okie

There comes a day when you wake up and realize that it just isn't humane any longer. You realize through the tears that it is time. It is time to let go of your very, very dear friend. I can no longer watch him in pain and misery. I had to let him go.

Okie was born on April 15, 2000 in our home. Mickey gave us 8 beautiful puppies and she was a wonderful Mom. The minute Okie was born I knew he was the one I would be keeping.

Mickey with her litter. Okie is the one with the spot for a tail.

How could I not fall in love with that face!

 As he grew he became even more precious.

 He often hung out on the couch like this to watch the happenings around the house.

TJ didn't want me to keep him, but fell in love with him also and they became very good buddies.

RIP Okie, you were one of kind and the joy you brought me will never be forgotten. Nor will the comfort you have brought to me over the past 3 years. There were countless times you curled up on the bed with me and let me sob into your soft white fur. I hope you see Shiner and TJ and tell them I am doing OK and that you helped me through the loss of both of them.

"If having a soul means being able to feel love and loyalty and gratitude, then animals are better off than a lot of humans." ~ James Herriott

A Corner Turned - Unexpectedly

It is Tuesday, May 15, 2012 at 6:30 pm. To you, my reader, the time and date is not important but for me it is very important. Much of my life the past 3 years is chronicled in this blog and tonight I want to remember this turning point. I want to remember it forever. Today has been a beautiful day in Arizona so I decided to dangle my legs in the pool with a glass of wine, a book and Tater Tot. When Tater bored of playing with me I began watching the sun set on the beautiful Superstition Mountains that I fell in love with many years ago. They are why I live here.

I began to think about my life, my future, what I want. The amazing thing is that I did not look at these things as my life after TJ, or my future without TJ, or what I want now that he is gone. I was simply thinking about me. He did not enter my mind. I was not thinking what would TJ want me to do, or he would approve or disapprove of this. I was only thinking of myself.  This is a first. Sure, after he died and I bought the new house, I used to say, "it is all about me now" but it never really was, he was always there, in my mind, guiding my every decision.

I found myself with a sense of inner peace, calm, and yes, even happiness. True happiness. I looked around my property and saw my "home". I saw this place where I have lived for 2 years as my "HOME"! They say home is where the heart is, but my heart has not been here. It is now. I see a future here for me. I see lots of happy memories being made here. Isn't that what a home is all about?

So, before the sun sets completely, I am going to pour a 2nd glass of wine and watch that beautiful, beautiful mountain turn red. I will toast to TJ, whom I will always remember and love and hold in my heart, but I will also toast to myself for having reached this point. I will toast to the new life I am about to embark on. And by the way, I have tossed some of that old tattered baggage that I have been dragging around with me into the desert. I may have kept a small carry on, but that is nothing compared to what I have rid myself of.

While I watch the sunset tonight I will say goodbye to many things, but more importantly I am looking forward to the sunrise tomorrow. I am on the precipice of something new and wonderful. The baggage I carry now is in the overhead compartment, out of sight and out of mind. I might, just maybe, leave it there, as I will soon be changing planes.

Fireplace Transformation & A Monkey

If you have been reading my blog for a while you know that after TJ died I had to move and for some crazy reason I decided to buy a house that had been a meth lab, was repossessed and empty for a while. It needed a lot of work and I thought it would give me something to take my mind off everything I had just gone through. I am fairly handy so I thought I could do most of the work myself. It is still a work in progress but I thought I would share a few before and after pictures.

(click on pictures to enlarge)

 This was the fireplace when I moved in. I don't like Indian stuff so I hated it. Not to mention the carpet that was white at one time.

A close of up the freaky Indian guy. I could not handle him staring at me all the time!

So we did this to it. No more Indian guy! By WE, I mean my very, very good friend who happened to be unemployed at the time. I flew Bob to Arizona and he spent 3 weeks working full time on my house to prepare it for move in. That is one heck of a friend in my book!

Now it looks like this.

While Bob was here I took him to a friend's house who has a pet monkey. Her name is Angel and either she takes to you or she doesn't. In my case, some days she is crazy about me and others she will have nothing to do with me. Moody darn monkey she is!

 I always enjoy the looks on people's faces when Angel starts grooming them. It is natural for her, but weird for us humans. She even pretends like she gets bugs out of your hair and puts them in her mouth. She will also clean out your ears....kinda freaky and clean under your fingernails, which isn't so bad.

She will steal your beer if given the chance, even dig through your cooler for a beer. TJ used to yell at Dena and I, "keep that damn monkey out of my beer!"

I will post pictures from another room next week. It has been quite the project, but all in all it has been fun.

Baggage Full of Fears

A life plan. We all make one and if we are really honest with ourselves most of the time our plans don't work out as we had hoped. So, maybe, instead of asking ourselves, "what is my plan, what do I intend to do with my life?" Maybe we should just plan to be surprised.

When TJ died I thought I would be happier alone. I could have my work, my friends, my animals, etc. I thought someone in my life all the time would be more trouble than it is worth. I am not sure I want back into a relationship where someone is there to pick up the pieces. Where someone starts helping me and I get used to it. What if I am to love again and it falls apart? What if I learn that I need love and then suddenly I no longer have it.....again? What if I like it and lean on it? What if I shape my life around it and then it falls apart? I don't think I can survive that kind of pain again. Losing love is like death. The only difference is death ends, the suffering from a lost love goes on forever.

I am damaged goods and I have baggage, lots of it actually. I have unpacked many of those bags and stowed them away. Some of my bags were overflowing and I simply chucked them in the trash along with all the issues they carried with them. There are others though. Other bags that I carry with me and tightly grip their handles. I am afraid to let go of them, yet the thought of carrying them with me forever scares the hell out of me. I don't want the burden of dragging them with me wherever I go....forever. I am just not sure what will release my grip. Will time release my grip? Will a new love release my grip? Will a day come when I just get tired of dragging them around and chuck them? Will someone who loves me pry them out of my hands, all the while convincing me I no longer need them?

I know full well that I should face the fears I carry with me in those bags. But it is so much easier to keep them packed away and ignore them. That is not healthy and I know it, but I have no idea how to even begin to face those fears. Right now, for me, it is easier to bury my head in the sand and continue to drag my bags along with me.

"Sometimes people put up walls, not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break them down." ~ Unknown