Ride The Wave

"Just ride the wave Sandy", a very good friend told me a while back. "It isn't that simple for me anymore", I replied to her. Really, it just isn't. Years ago I was able to just accept the good; life was expected to be good. I am tarnished now though. I expect things to go wrong in my life. Not just a little wrong....horribly wrong is what I anticipate.

My life is rolling along quite nicely right now, yet I expect to go hurdling head on into a block wall at any moment. I don't know why my brain thinks this way. Is it possible that my brain is against me? Is it simply easier to be unhappy than happy?

For the past few years I have been focused more on avoiding pain than seeking pleasure. It became a habit; a bad habit. Nothing bad has happened for a while, yet my brain is still focused on avoiding pain. This means I am focusing on what is wrong rather than what is right and things that I should be grateful for.

Maybe it is time to retrain my brain. Train my brain that rather on focusing on basic survival it should be focusing on making me happy. I have no doubt that making that shift will be easier said than done. Although I do believe it is possible.

I can't change the world around me by fighting it in my head. All the stress, anger, disappointment, regret, frustration, and bitterness that I harbor will not alter what is. It is only after I learn to accept things as they are that I will be able to create the change I am seeking. I must not and will not give up on the possibility of a good and peaceful life.

"The wave is the signature of every experience of life. By understanding the nature of waves and their characteristics, and applying that understanding to our lives, we can navigate life with a little more grace." ~ Jeffery R. Anderson

We Had A Hard Freeze!

Two weekends ago it was cold here. I mean super cold! Maybe not for you northerners, but for us desert dwellers it was pretty darn miserable. We had lows in the low to mid 20's F for 5 straight nights in a row. Our highs were only in the mid to upper 40's F. The Valley had not seen temperatures like that for 25 years. Most of us don't have heaters in our homes that can keep up with cold like that and most have exposed water pipes outside. I used my fireplace and covered my pipes with towels, but I am sure the plumbing companies were busy with busted pipes.

Tater spent most of his days curled up like this in front of the fire!

 In the midst of our unseasonable cold weather I saw this walking stick. I rarely see these and this one is, hands down, the biggest I have ever seen! I truly thought it was a twig until I got too close and it moved.

Most importantly, why was this guy out?! Way too cold for snakes to be out this time of year. He was sunning himself right outside my front door. I almost stepped on him. He is just a bull snake and not poisonous so he was moved away from the house and left alone.

 The cold weather once again killed my ficus tree. It was just coming back from the freeze in 2011 and now got hit again. As you can see the top never did recover from 2011 but the rest of it did. I am not sure if it will pull through again though.

But the almighty mesquite tree survived just fine! As a matter of fact it is in full bloom and is all abuzz with bees in the afternoon.

The good news is that we are back to normal temperatures with a high of 80 today and it is only a matter of time before we will be well into the 100's. After that cold weekend I am ready for temperatures topping 100....I can handle the heat but not the cold.

I Purged...A Lot...Again

I spent this past weekend inside purging. It had nothing to do with the New Year and everything to do with the weather. It was cold, as in I didn't think I was in Arizona anymore cold. Our lows were in the mid 20's F and our highs were in the upper 40's F. For us desert dwellers that is C O L D!!! I had planned to do yard work (i.e. aloe) but just couldn't make myself be outside. So instead I decided to clean out the closets in the spare bedrooms.

TJ was quite the pack rat and if you have read my blog for a while you have heard me complain about this. Well, after he died I needed to move and quickly. I could not afford the house we were in and needed something that fit into my budget. I went through the house halfheartedly and had a yard sale but many of the boxes he had around I just moved to the new house and hid them away in the closets of the spare rooms. Out of sight, out of mind. That isn't totally true, I knew I needed to go through them, but it was easier to ignore them when I couldn't see them. I was also concerned that having boxes stacked in dark closets was a haven for scorpions and black widows and this was somewhat bothersome. So this past weekend I emptied everything out of the closets in both spare bedrooms and went through each box meticulously. I sorted everything into piles...Goodwill....trash....give to someone....keep....etc. It was a daunting task and took me 2 full days. To be totally honest I cried through most of it.

A big concern of TJ's after his diagnosis was what would become of his "stuff". Like most of us, his stuff was important to him. He and I talked extensively about where he wanted his stuff to go. I have tried hard to stick to his wishes. I gave his nice boots to a friend that had the same size feet. I have doled out his cowboy hats to special friends over the past years and some of his hats are in my current home as decoration. His chaps, spurs and spur straps hang in the spare bedroom that I call "The Cowboy Room" as decoration. But these boxes I had to go through were just stuff. Not special stuff in my opinion and it was hard to decide what TJ would want me to do with it. I was surprised that after 3 years it would be so damn hard.

I had many pictures of us hung up in the old house and not knowing what to do with them when I moved I just plastered them on the walls of my office. I took them all down this weekend....all of them....gone. I have an enclosed patio that is covered in pictures of my friends and TJ is in some of those, but the wedding pictures and those of just us that I hung in the office are now gone. I put everything of his that I wanted to keep in a plastic tote. One tote. Our life together is now stowed away in one plastic tote.

When I woke Sunday morning my first thought was "he is gone, he is really gone". I have put him in a plastic tote in the closet....he is gone! I cried, I sobbed and I felt the pain of losing him all over again. But, instead of staying in bed all day like I used to I got up, showered, and loaded my truck with the stuff for Goodwill and the trash to put in the dumpsters at work. I moved forward. I moved forward like I have been doing for 3 years now. I didn't expect it, but some days it is still just a matter of one foot in front of the other.

I believe there are people who cross our lives in tiny fractions of time, in the briefest of encounters, and yet they leave an indelible mark in our hearts and our minds. Thank you TJ.

Yard Work

Now, after almost 3 years, I am finally going to do something with my landscaping. I have put it off because I was working on the inside of the house getting it fixed up. Also, landscaping is rather overwhelming to me. I may not have been working on it while living here but it has always been on my mind.  I finally have a plan and yes, that plan includes a small horse set up! I have designed my yard and horse set up over and over in my head. I have walked my yard with several people getting their input on what I should do. I may not know the details yet but I can at least get started on it and I am sure everything will fall into place as I go.

My first order of business was to dispose of this. Do you know what it is? It is aloe vera.....a whole darn circle of it! Not only do I have this circle of aloe but there are 21 others just like it on my property. Yes, I counted. Who needs that much aloe I ask you. My plan was to put it in my trash dumpster to be hauled away. Well, that was plan A at least. The one I dug up today filled my dumpster to the brim and at that rate it will take me 11 weeks to get rid of all that darn aloe. Plan B may include my pick up truck and a trip (or 2) to the dump.

After the aloe is gone I will be chopping down every single one of these on my property. All that white fuzzy stuff blows everywhere (read as: it blows in my pool) and creates a huge mess. The lay name for these plants is, broom plants. The settlers would cut them before blooming and since they are somewhat stiff would use them as brooms to sweep out their cabins. Personally, I think they just cut them before blooming so as to not have to deal with the fuzzies.

These 2 saguaros are out of here to make room for my horse set up. I am currently contacting landscapers to see how much they are going to fetch me. Saguaros are protected in Arizona and can't be moved without a permit. New construction homeowners pay big bucks for saguaros to be placed in their yards so landscapers will actually pay you for the privilege of moving your saguaro.

Time to dig up more aloe. Anybody want some?

I Am Very Thankful This Year

It has been a fairly good year for me and for that I am very, very grateful. I have wonderful supportive people in my life and I see a wonderful future for me. So as we sit down to Thanksgiving with family and friends let us not forget those who have touched our lives in many different ways and are no longer with us. But, at the same time be grateful for those who have come into our lives when we needed them the most.

"She closed her eyes and thought of her year. It couldn't just be the "good" she was thankful for, it had to the "all"....the fullness, the depths, the journey. The dance of life. For these, she gave thanks." ~ Terri St. Cloud

It is with immense gratitude that I celebrate Thanksgiving and it is with gratitude that I think of all of you. Thank you for being a part of my life

Dog Sitting.....Yes, Again

If you all haven't figured it out by now I love animals. I especially love dogs. I grew up with dogs and have had anywhere from 1 to 5 dogs at any given time in my life. Because of my love of dogs I am always game to dog sit for my friends. Well this past weekend I had the opportunity to do just that. I am pleased to introduce you to Sierra. She belongs to my neighbor and has the sweetest personality.

I have a soft spot in my heart for Labradors as my first dog after college was a black lab named Phantom. He was very special to me. With Mickey getting up in the years and really starting to show her age I have been thinking about what breed my next dog will be. I will not bring a new dog into the house until she is gone and unfortunately I feel like it may be sooner rather than later. For the past 8 years or so I have had mid size to small dogs and have been considering getting another large dog.

This past weekend was the perfect opportunity for me to experience a large dog in the house again. While Sierra was perfect and very well trained, I now know that I am not interested in a dog with a coffee table clearing tail. No, Sierra didn't clear my coffee table with her tail, but I was keeping an eye on it the entire time. After having Heelers and little Tater Tot I am just not interested in a large dog anymore

I would dog sit for Sierra again in a heartbeat and Tater had a blast playing with her. But, when it comes to my next dog I know I want a small to mid sized dog. Most likely I will get another tri-colored Queensland Heeler.


As a side note. It really cooled off in Arizona this weekend. OK, by my standards it was darn cold! Highs in the low 60's and on Sunday morning it was 37 F !!!! Way too cold for this old desert rat. Time to start counting down the days until summer.
 

It may have not been as cold as this sign showed but it was cold enough for a fire in the ole' fireplace.

Suicide

Wednesday, October 24, 2012 my best friend's ex-husband committed suicide. He hung himself in her garage. She found him. She is hurt and angry. They have an adult son who I can only imagine is hurt and confused. Me, I am just plain angry!

I have had over a week to process this and I still can't figure it out. While this may have been her ex-husband they were very close. We knew he had some mental health issues and she was trying to get him help. He was renting a room from her and she was trying to help him get his life back in order. He had a lot happen to him details of which I won't share. The night before he was found in a hotel room with a gun. They took him to the hospital only to release him at 2:30 am. In a matter of about 6 hours he had killed himself. I don't understand why the hospital didn't keep him longer. I am mad that they didn't keep him longer. Furious actually.

I am angry that my best friend has to go through this. I am angry that their son, who was deployed overseas, had to be told on the phone what happened. He then had a long flight before getting home to his Mother. I don't understand why he didn't realize what he would be putting his family and friends through. To me, this was the ultimate act of selfishness and it sickens me.

I got the phone call at work on Wednesday morning. The terror in my best friend's voice was frightening. I left work immediately to meet her at the hospital. When I arrived the social worker was attacking her with questions. She was pushing her to make decisions immediately. I put a stop to it. None of those decisions had to be made that day and certainly not at that moment. We took her home and we talked and drank beer. We drank a lot of beer. I had to have someone drive me home we drank so much beer. I am fully aware that alcohol does not solve problems but sometimes it dulls that initial pain and one does what they have to do just to get through those initial hours because they are the worst hours ever.

The next day I went to work. My best friend made the decisions that needed to be made and with the help of the Red Cross contacted their son overseas. This day was the 3rd anniversary of TJ's death. You see, my best friend and I have led very parallel lives. Our lives have paralleled in ways that nobody knows but us. And now there is this. They may have no longer been married, but in many ways she is a widow too now. My heart aches for her, but she knows I am always just a phone call or a text away and we have proven to each other time and time again that when the chips are down we will always be there for one another.

"I longed to lift the burden of her sorrow and yet, I knew it was hers to carry. And so I walked next to her. Side by side. I rested when she rested. I cried when she cried. And loved her more with each step of the road." ~ Terri St. Cloud