My life changed dramatically and forever when I lost TJ.

I welcome you to follow along as I adjust to my "new normal".

It is not all puppies and ice cream but it is my life....real and honest.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

3 Years Ago Today

TJ -

I can't believe it has been 3 years without you. I still miss you very much and my love for you has not waned even slightly. I still have bad days but they are farther and farther apart. I am spending less time feeling sorry for myself and more time living. I suffered for so long after you were gone that it feels good to finally experience living again. By that, TJ, I mean truly living and not just faking it to keep those around me happy. So much has happened the last 3 years. Everything has changed......everything.

I moved out of our home and into a new house. I hated it, no, I despised it at first. Sure, I finally got the pool you would never let me have but I still wasn't happy here. TJ, I have no horse set up here. You built me the perfect horse set up and now I have nothing. Not having a horse set up has brought me to my knees sobbing many times over the past 2 1/2 years. I hate it. You gave me what I had dreamed of having when I was a little girl and now I have nothing.

Our dogs. Remember when we would talk about how great it was to have 3 young dogs all within a year of each other? We would also talk about how hard it was going to be when we lose them. Well damnit TJ, you left me alone to care for our aging dogs. Mickey Lou is the only one left. Putting Shiner down was the hardest. I felt as though I was losing you all over again. My heart ached for weeks and it threw me back into a deep depression. I hid my despair from my family and friends....something I had become very good at doing.

I have decided to keep the property down south. I finally went down last weekend to paint and it actually felt good to be home again. You were on my mind a lot during the weekend and I thought so much about our plans for the place. Packy is still there! Can you believe that sucker is still alive and piling stuff on the bathroom step?!?!

You wouldn't believe the people that just disappeared after you died. I learned who our true friends were and it was rather shocking who stepped up and who I haven't even talked to since your wake. My disappointment in some of our friends can't even begin to explain my feelings.

All in all, I am OK....and I really mean that. At least for right now. You are my soulmate and a huge part of me died right alongside of you. That part of me is gone forever, but I am rebuilding my life TJ. I am rebuilding slowly but I am making progress. I know in my heart that somehow, someway, it is you that is pushing me and giving me strength along the way. I often think about the many heart to heart talks we had after your diagnosis and it gives me strength to remember how much you believed in me. Thank you for everything you gave me those last few months of your life. I would not be where I am today without the advice you gave me. I still love you with all my heart TJ and I always will.

When you lose someone you get used to living day to day without them. But you will never get used to the "10 second heartbreak". That's the time it takes to wake to full consciousness each day and remember....." ~ Nina Guilbeau


  1. One day at a time, slowly healing and adapting, sending prayers your way on this difficult day.

  2. Oh Sandy, your posts always touch me so deeply. I'm sure TJ was reading every word as you wrote it and he will always be watching over you.

  3. Oh Sandy this is beautiful. Tears are running down my face. I am so happy you are at a place of peace and I do hope all those good memories get you through the rough patches and those bad memories fade fast.
    You have come a long way and I am sure TJ would be very proud and happy for you.
    You are doing just fine be happy, he would truly want that. Beautifully written. HUGS B

  4. This hopefully was therapeutic. <3 made me bawl. I'm at the two and a half (almost) year mark from my sister dying. I read your words and wonder if they are similar to what is coursing through my brother in law's heart.

  5. Although I hate that you have been through so much, I love the beautiful words in your post. May you always feel TJ's strength in your life.

  6. this is so heartfelt and open. i admire you, so.

  7. B E A U T I F U L

    sending you LOTS of love from Minnesota. Xxxx

  8. It is good to know that you feel T.J.'s strength pushing you forward. It was heartbreaking to read this and tears are not far away. I have come to care so much for you. Then there's Tater Tot, who needs you now, I don't know why I am saying that, it just came to my mind.

    I also read your post about the cabins. What a beautiful place it is. The real desert. Sunrise over those mountains must be gorgeous. And there's nothing much better than a desert sunrise.

  9. beautiful words, touching post my sweet friend . i am teary and sending you warm, massive hugs!

    much love

    take care.

  10. TJ would be proud of you Sandy. I know he wants you to go on and have a long, happy life. xo

  11. Hi Sandy, Nancy Claeys sent me; you and I have a lot in common. Dave died 11/5/11 and it's been horrible. You've, so eloquently, put into words, on this post, your feelings and some of what I feel as well. Like LindaSue, a "neighbor" of yours tells me, "it's a "hood" I wouldn't wish on anyone.

  12. Oh Sandy!I am crying....
    I am proud of you and so is TJ, I think.
    My English is not so good, and I would like to tell you a lot...but words are difficult to find...
    I felt your pain...But you are a brave woman. Rebuilt your life, and not just faking it....I do understand.

    2 and a half years ago _ diagnosis said my husband had an intestine cancer! He survived...with a bag for the fesses(?); But I felt so much pain, I was so afraid...
    Yes...I hardly can imagine what you went through...all this time. I can just say that I am so sorry...and say, once more that I'm proud of you!
    GOD BLESS YOU. Do not loose you Faith...ever...

    Hug you
    Isabel, aka, BlueShell ( a Portuguese woman)...just that!


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