One of My Favorite Movies - "Always"

I am not a movie person at all. TV/movies bore me and put me to sleep. Fact is, I haven't been to a movie theater since high school and, well, we all know the main reason I went then. While there have been many times that I have begun watching a movie there are very few that I actually stayed awake long enough to see the ending. The movie Always is one that manages to keep my attention.

Always was released in 1989 and was not a big blockbuster even though it was produced and directed by Steven Spielberg. It starred Richard Dreyfuss, Holly Hunter, John Goodman, Brad Johnson and Audrey Hepburn.  Always is a remake of the 1943 drama A Guy Name Joe. Both Dreyfuss and Spielberg were fans of the 1943 movie and talked about doing a remake of it during the filming of Jaws in 1974. I have read somewhere that A Guy Named Joe is what inspired Spielberg to become a movie director.

The basic plot is about a firefighter pilot that returns to earth after being killed in a fire to help his girlfriend fall for another pilot and get on with her life. To me it is similar to the movie Ghost that was released at a later date.

I was originally drawn to the movie because it is about wildfires. I had just left a 5 year stint at Grand Canyon National Park and moved to Indiana. I had numerous friends while living at the canyon that were firefighters. I was able to liken the various personalities in the movie to friends. I even related to the sense of loss the entire firefighting community feels when they lose one of their own.

Now, all these years later, the movie has a different meaning to me.  I now relate to the loss Holly Hunter (Dorinda) feels.  I understand her deep grief. I understand her ability to not "move on" to a new relationship even though she has met someone she is interested in. I understand the scenes where she "feels" Richard Dreyfuss (Pete) in her presence.

Most of all, I truly understand loss now. I didn't when I first watched this movie and fell in love with it.  My life was easy and carefree then. My life had not yet been shattered by loss and I had no idea what the future was to hold for me. Always is a movie that has touched me for many, many years.  If you have the opportunity to watch it please do. It may just touch you also.

2011 A Year In Review

Every year that TJ and I were together we would sit down at the end of the year and discuss our accomplishments, our failures and our plans for the following year. In business they call it "strategic planning", in a relationship I called it "crazy".  I often complained to my friends that we ran our relationship like a business. As much as I complained about it, I loved it. If something would come up unexpected we would always say, "maybe next year, we will see". Obviously our 2009 didn't go as planned one bit since TJ's diagnosis was in March of that year. Our plans and dreams for the year got pushed overboard, never to be seen again. As a result I have been living day by day since the beginning of 2009 and frankly it is driving me nuts. My usual extremely organized life is now lived in complete disarray.

I spent some time yesterday outlining my plans and goals for 2012. I don't make resolutions, I make a plan and set realistic goals. I feel like I can finally get a handle on my life. The big projects in my house are basically complete and I can focus on living and not remodeling. As I was thinking about 2011 I realized there were a few significant events in my life in 2011.

MARCH

In March I found a little white Jack Russell Terrier puppy roaming the parking lot at work. It was a Friday and I just couldn't stand the thought of leaving him there all weekend so I brought him home with me. Tater Tot, as you all know him, turned out to be a huge blessing in my life.  I didn't realize it at the time but I really needed the laughter that a puppy brings to a home.

JUNE

On my way home from work on June 2 I was broadsided by a red light runner. My truck rolled twice and while I had some injuries, I basically walked away. I loved my now totaled truck, but I reminded myself that it is just a material object and can be replaced. Every time I see the pictures I count my blessings that I wasn't seriously injured or even killed.

AUGUST

Of course I could not make it through an entire calendar year without death being a part of it. On August 4th I had to put TJ's dog, Shiner, down. Totaling my truck now paled in comparison to losing Shiner. TJ and Shiner were the best of buddies and I saw a little bit of TJ whenever I looked at Shiner. I still miss Shiner very much. For those that say, "he was just a dog", obviously never met Shiner, he was special and anyone that dog crossed paths with will agree.

OCTOBER

On the 25th of this month I "celebrated" 2 years of TJ being gone. I got a tattoo with his ashes mixed into the ink.  This was a huge turning point for me and one of the best things I had done since losing TJ.

NOVEMBER

My sister, brother, sister-in-law and I went to the Saguaro National Forest and spread Mom's ashes. Mom is finally where she wanted her final resting place to be.

When compared to 2009 and 2010 I have to say that 2011 wasn't all that bad. So I say BRING ON 2012. It will be an even better year, I am sure of it.

Happy New Year to all and may 2012 be the year you see at least one of your dreams come true!

When Kind Words Are Spoken

This year instead of exchanging gifts, my girlfriends and I decided to adopt a family for Christmas. Once everyone was on board with this idea I called Project Help.

Project Help is a local organization that helps families with school aged children. A family that receives help is encouraged to give back through community service. I was introduced to this organization quite a few years ago when we were contacted by a friend whose family had received help and he asked TJ to put a crew together to frame a new building for Project Help and to please set the trusses on the building.....all for free of course. For those that don't know, TJ & I owned a crane service for 11 years and before that TJ was a framing superintendent for a local construction company. TJ, of course, was more than willing to help out.  He made phone calls and within 48 hours had a crew willing to do the work.  The day of the build we showed up with a full framing crew and one of our cranes.  TJ ran the crew and set the trusses.  In a matter of hours the building was up and dried in. The director was thrilled with the work that was done in such a short amount of time.

When I called Project Help last week I was told they had already adopted all their families out for Christmas. I was thrilled that all were taken care of but disappointed we did not have a family to adopt. I asked if there was another way we could help and was told they really needed hams and gifts for teenagers. It seems many do toy drives to help out but teens tend to be a forgotten group at Christmas. I had no idea what to buy for teens and she told me they prefer gift cards so they can pick out their own clothes. I was given names of several stores where teens like to shop.  I called the girls and it was unanimous.....hams and gift cards. We got together on a Sunday and were able to purchase 8 hams and over $400 in gift cards, most in $25 increments. After shopping we went for a nice lunch. Everyone was happy with what we did and agreed that next year we would do the same thing.

During one of my conversations with the lady at Project Help I mentioned that my husband had helped frame and set the trusses on the building they are in. She said, "Are you Sandy with Apache Crane!" I informed her that yes I was and she proceeded to sing the praises of TJ, even remembering his name. She told me how grateful she was for his help and all the guys he brought with him to work. She remembered how he smiled the whole time he was there working and actually seemed happy to be working for free on a Saturday. As she went on and on about that day and what a wonderful and generous man TJ was my eyes were filling with tears. I knew she didn't know that he had died and hearing her speak so highly of him was simply heartwarming. She ended by asking me "How is he doing?". I paused. I had a huge lump in my throat. I told her that he passed away 2 years ago. She gave her condolences and I changed the subject.

Listening to her talk about TJ was the best Christmas gift for me.  He only crossed paths with this woman one day and yet he left a lasting impression. Many friends will tell TJ stories and speak highly of him, but hearing her words about a brief encounter with him was the most precious gift ever.

So many of us tend to get caught up in the gift giving of Christmas and forget what truly matters.  This year, be kinder to one another and talk fondly of those we have lost and will not grace our holiday tables. Sometimes a kind word spoken can be the most wonderful gift of all.

Life Gets In The Way

Sometimes life just gets in the way of things. In my case it got in the way of my blogging. I have missed reading blogs and obviously I haven't written any in over a month. So, here is what has been happening over the last month.

• My brother and his wife visited for a week in the beginning of November.  They, along with my sister and I drove to Tucson to spread my Mom's ashes (she passed July 28, 2010).  Mom always had a fascination with the Saguaro cactus we have in Arizona and years ago requested that her ashes be spread in the Saguaro National Park.

My brother Mark, my sister Alberta and my sister in-law Sandra

We spread Mom's ashes at the base of these two cacti

• Just like last year I hosted Thanksgiving at my house for my friends.  We had a wonderful day and as usual the food was fantastic.

• Through all this I have been working on the house again....finally. I have painted some walls and am in the process of refinishing my first piece of furniture. I plan to post some house pictures at a later date.

• I have always been one of those people who put up their Christmas tree on Thanksgiving weekend.  I primarily do it that weekend because it is a long weekend and I have the time.  On Saturday after Thanksgiving I began getting my Christmas stuff out of the storage shed.  I have a HUGE artificial Christmas tree and as I was dragging it toward the house I slipped and fell. I caught myself stiff armed and I felt the pain shoot through my arm.  I thought I had just over extended my elbow and it made the rest of the day fairly painful to put up the holiday decorations. On Monday I found out I had a hairline fracture....no wonder it hurt so darn bad! I chose not to have it cast and I am just being careful while it heals. As of today it has been over a week and it is still slightly swollen, I have limited mobility in my elbow and the pain keeps me awake at night.  It is getting better though.

• I have a huge owl living in my yard. While he is a wonderful sight to see. I am concerned for Tater Tot. I think he just might be small enough that the owl is watching him as a potential meal. I now make sure I am outside at all times with Tater Tot. I caught this photo of him a couple of weeks ago. Please click on it to enlarge so you can better see him,

Watch out Tater! You are being watched!

And lastly, just to give you a smile, I want to share a very odd picture my sister took of Tater Tot while she was staying with me.  I know it is just the angle of the photo but when I see it I have to laugh and I hope you all get a chuckle out of it also!

Double Infinity

Tuesday, October 25th was the 2nd anniversary of TJ's death. I have been waiting for that particular day for some time as I had made plans a while back for what I wanted to do.  Since his death I have memorialized him many times by donating to different cancer charities in his name. That is something I will probably continue to do, but with less frequency.  I am a firm believer in charity and recently have found some other charities I would like to support. I don't want the rest of my life to be about cancer and what it took from me.

I decided to do something for me on Tuesday. It ensures that TJ will forever be with me. It also shows that I am alive and I intend to live the rest of my life to the fullest.

Double Infinity

The black infinity symbol has TJ's ashes mixed with it and being black symbolizes death and the end of his life, although I will love him and carry him in my heart for infinity.

The lavender infinity is for me. It symbolizes growth, my life and my future.

I chose my wrist so when things get tough, as I know they will, I can put my wrist across my heart and know TJ is with me.

If we take eternity to mean not infinite temporal duration but timelessness, then eternal life belongs to those who live in the present." ~ Ludwig Wittgenstein

Two Years Ago Today

Wow! Just. Wow. I can hardly believe it has been 2 years since TJ died. There are times when it seems like just yesterday, but mostly it seems like my life with TJ is so far, far in the past.  Yes, I think of him often. He didn't deserve the hand he was dealt. He was too young to lose his life to cancer. He was a good man and deserved to live a long and healthy life.  I miss him.  I will miss him every day for the rest of my life.

The fact is though....I am not the one who died and I needed to continue on and have a happy life.  It took me a while to reach that point without a doubt.  I always believed it, but I wasn't living it. I had a lot happen in my life after he died.  I couldn't afford our home on my own so I had to move, I had to put one of our dogs down, my Mom died, I was in a horrible truck accident, and the hardest thing was that I had to put his dog, Shiner, down. Yes, it has been a tough 2 years, but in my opinion I have kicked ass!

I told people in the beginning, "It is all about me now!" No more compromising, I do what I want to do, with whom I want to do it.  I have embraced being single.  I love it! I do date, but I keep them at a distance.  I have been seeing a guy since July and we have an agreement that we only see each other every other week. Sometimes even that is too much for me. I like the freedom that being single brings with it. I am truly enjoying working on projects around my house on the weekends. I even impress myself with what I am able to accomplish on my own.

When I bought my house I got one with a pool.  TJ never wanted a pool. I also now have a fireplace that I love. TJ & I didn't have a fireplace in our home. I put pink in my bedroom and master bath. Something TJ would never have tolerated.  Most recently, I put a RED vanity top in my master bath. I have always loved and wanted a red top but TJ always put his foot down.

So, today, I am celebrating and not bemoaning that TJ has been gone 2 years.  I am celebrating ME. I am celebrating that I can do this and I can do it well. I am celebrating how far I have come and my new plans for the future.  I do have a future. A future full of life and love. I am not just living, I am thriving!

Am I tooting my own horn? Hell yes I am! My life changed dramatically and forever when I lost TJ.  It is not always puppies and ice cream but it is pretty darn good. Even when it isn't good, I have learned to hunker down and wait for the storm to pass.  Storms always pass, and when they do the sun comes out. Sometimes there is even a rainbow after the storm.

It's not the strongest that survive, nor the most intelligent....it's the one most adaptable to change. ~ Darwin

I have spoken with a friend, fellow widow and blogger about how I feel about the anniversary of TJ's death and this is what she had to say http://crazywidow.info/?p=3761 .

Normal

I think I have turned a corner in adjusting to my "new normal". This might have happened in part due to the fact that I am finally feeling significantly less pain from my accident.  I also think time has a lot to do with it. Frankly, I am not sure exactly what the trigger was and at this point I don't care. What I do know is that I am happy and for now that is all that matters.

In the beginning, I felt powerless to let go of the the life TJ and I shared. I felt as though I needed to carry it with me forever. I let it dictate my daily life, at least on some level. By doing this I was stuck and as I have said before, I am tired of being stuck and it is time for me to let go and be free again. I know this isn't as easy as it sounds but it is a choice I have to make for myself.

I was overwhelmed with options for my future and I have weeded many of them out. I found I was reading too much into the future, yet still dwelling on the past. I will never have what I had with TJ; the good and the bad. I am capable though, of having a beautiful day today and a beautiful tomorrow. To me, this means letting go of who I have been and do something differently.

There is no such thing as "normal" and there is not a specific way I "should" be or anything I am "supposed" to do.  It is up to me to determine what will make my life meaningful and joyful.  I have to walk the path that is right for me.  Most importantly I believe I have discovered that path. At this point it is more like an unmaintained trail but I know it will lead me to something great and wonderful.

"No matter how hard the past, you can always begin again." ~ Buddha