Yard Work

Now, after almost 3 years, I am finally going to do something with my landscaping. I have put it off because I was working on the inside of the house getting it fixed up. Also, landscaping is rather overwhelming to me. I may not have been working on it while living here but it has always been on my mind.  I finally have a plan and yes, that plan includes a small horse set up! I have designed my yard and horse set up over and over in my head. I have walked my yard with several people getting their input on what I should do. I may not know the details yet but I can at least get started on it and I am sure everything will fall into place as I go.

My first order of business was to dispose of this. Do you know what it is? It is aloe vera.....a whole darn circle of it! Not only do I have this circle of aloe but there are 21 others just like it on my property. Yes, I counted. Who needs that much aloe I ask you. My plan was to put it in my trash dumpster to be hauled away. Well, that was plan A at least. The one I dug up today filled my dumpster to the brim and at that rate it will take me 11 weeks to get rid of all that darn aloe. Plan B may include my pick up truck and a trip (or 2) to the dump.

After the aloe is gone I will be chopping down every single one of these on my property. All that white fuzzy stuff blows everywhere (read as: it blows in my pool) and creates a huge mess. The lay name for these plants is, broom plants. The settlers would cut them before blooming and since they are somewhat stiff would use them as brooms to sweep out their cabins. Personally, I think they just cut them before blooming so as to not have to deal with the fuzzies.

These 2 saguaros are out of here to make room for my horse set up. I am currently contacting landscapers to see how much they are going to fetch me. Saguaros are protected in Arizona and can't be moved without a permit. New construction homeowners pay big bucks for saguaros to be placed in their yards so landscapers will actually pay you for the privilege of moving your saguaro.

Time to dig up more aloe. Anybody want some?

I Am Very Thankful This Year

It has been a fairly good year for me and for that I am very, very grateful. I have wonderful supportive people in my life and I see a wonderful future for me. So as we sit down to Thanksgiving with family and friends let us not forget those who have touched our lives in many different ways and are no longer with us. But, at the same time be grateful for those who have come into our lives when we needed them the most.

"She closed her eyes and thought of her year. It couldn't just be the "good" she was thankful for, it had to the "all"....the fullness, the depths, the journey. The dance of life. For these, she gave thanks." ~ Terri St. Cloud

It is with immense gratitude that I celebrate Thanksgiving and it is with gratitude that I think of all of you. Thank you for being a part of my life

Dog Sitting.....Yes, Again

If you all haven't figured it out by now I love animals. I especially love dogs. I grew up with dogs and have had anywhere from 1 to 5 dogs at any given time in my life. Because of my love of dogs I am always game to dog sit for my friends. Well this past weekend I had the opportunity to do just that. I am pleased to introduce you to Sierra. She belongs to my neighbor and has the sweetest personality.

I have a soft spot in my heart for Labradors as my first dog after college was a black lab named Phantom. He was very special to me. With Mickey getting up in the years and really starting to show her age I have been thinking about what breed my next dog will be. I will not bring a new dog into the house until she is gone and unfortunately I feel like it may be sooner rather than later. For the past 8 years or so I have had mid size to small dogs and have been considering getting another large dog.

This past weekend was the perfect opportunity for me to experience a large dog in the house again. While Sierra was perfect and very well trained, I now know that I am not interested in a dog with a coffee table clearing tail. No, Sierra didn't clear my coffee table with her tail, but I was keeping an eye on it the entire time. After having Heelers and little Tater Tot I am just not interested in a large dog anymore

I would dog sit for Sierra again in a heartbeat and Tater had a blast playing with her. But, when it comes to my next dog I know I want a small to mid sized dog. Most likely I will get another tri-colored Queensland Heeler.


As a side note. It really cooled off in Arizona this weekend. OK, by my standards it was darn cold! Highs in the low 60's and on Sunday morning it was 37 F !!!! Way too cold for this old desert rat. Time to start counting down the days until summer.
 

It may have not been as cold as this sign showed but it was cold enough for a fire in the ole' fireplace.

Suicide

Wednesday, October 24, 2012 my best friend's ex-husband committed suicide. He hung himself in her garage. She found him. She is hurt and angry. They have an adult son who I can only imagine is hurt and confused. Me, I am just plain angry!

I have had over a week to process this and I still can't figure it out. While this may have been her ex-husband they were very close. We knew he had some mental health issues and she was trying to get him help. He was renting a room from her and she was trying to help him get his life back in order. He had a lot happen to him details of which I won't share. The night before he was found in a hotel room with a gun. They took him to the hospital only to release him at 2:30 am. In a matter of about 6 hours he had killed himself. I don't understand why the hospital didn't keep him longer. I am mad that they didn't keep him longer. Furious actually.

I am angry that my best friend has to go through this. I am angry that their son, who was deployed overseas, had to be told on the phone what happened. He then had a long flight before getting home to his Mother. I don't understand why he didn't realize what he would be putting his family and friends through. To me, this was the ultimate act of selfishness and it sickens me.

I got the phone call at work on Wednesday morning. The terror in my best friend's voice was frightening. I left work immediately to meet her at the hospital. When I arrived the social worker was attacking her with questions. She was pushing her to make decisions immediately. I put a stop to it. None of those decisions had to be made that day and certainly not at that moment. We took her home and we talked and drank beer. We drank a lot of beer. I had to have someone drive me home we drank so much beer. I am fully aware that alcohol does not solve problems but sometimes it dulls that initial pain and one does what they have to do just to get through those initial hours because they are the worst hours ever.

The next day I went to work. My best friend made the decisions that needed to be made and with the help of the Red Cross contacted their son overseas. This day was the 3rd anniversary of TJ's death. You see, my best friend and I have led very parallel lives. Our lives have paralleled in ways that nobody knows but us. And now there is this. They may have no longer been married, but in many ways she is a widow too now. My heart aches for her, but she knows I am always just a phone call or a text away and we have proven to each other time and time again that when the chips are down we will always be there for one another.

"I longed to lift the burden of her sorrow and yet, I knew it was hers to carry. And so I walked next to her. Side by side. I rested when she rested. I cried when she cried. And loved her more with each step of the road." ~ Terri St. Cloud

3 Years Ago Today

TJ -

I can't believe it has been 3 years without you. I still miss you very much and my love for you has not waned even slightly. I still have bad days but they are farther and farther apart. I am spending less time feeling sorry for myself and more time living. I suffered for so long after you were gone that it feels good to finally experience living again. By that, TJ, I mean truly living and not just faking it to keep those around me happy. So much has happened the last 3 years. Everything has changed......everything.

I moved out of our home and into a new house. I hated it, no, I despised it at first. Sure, I finally got the pool you would never let me have but I still wasn't happy here. TJ, I have no horse set up here. You built me the perfect horse set up and now I have nothing. Not having a horse set up has brought me to my knees sobbing many times over the past 2 1/2 years. I hate it. You gave me what I had dreamed of having when I was a little girl and now I have nothing.

Our dogs. Remember when we would talk about how great it was to have 3 young dogs all within a year of each other? We would also talk about how hard it was going to be when we lose them. Well damnit TJ, you left me alone to care for our aging dogs. Mickey Lou is the only one left. Putting Shiner down was the hardest. I felt as though I was losing you all over again. My heart ached for weeks and it threw me back into a deep depression. I hid my despair from my family and friends....something I had become very good at doing.

I have decided to keep the property down south. I finally went down last weekend to paint and it actually felt good to be home again. You were on my mind a lot during the weekend and I thought so much about our plans for the place. Packy is still there! Can you believe that sucker is still alive and piling stuff on the bathroom step?!?!

You wouldn't believe the people that just disappeared after you died. I learned who our true friends were and it was rather shocking who stepped up and who I haven't even talked to since your wake. My disappointment in some of our friends can't even begin to explain my feelings.

All in all, I am OK....and I really mean that. At least for right now. You are my soulmate and a huge part of me died right alongside of you. That part of me is gone forever, but I am rebuilding my life TJ. I am rebuilding slowly but I am making progress. I know in my heart that somehow, someway, it is you that is pushing me and giving me strength along the way. I often think about the many heart to heart talks we had after your diagnosis and it gives me strength to remember how much you believed in me. Thank you for everything you gave me those last few months of your life. I would not be where I am today without the advice you gave me. I still love you with all my heart TJ and I always will.

When you lose someone you get used to living day to day without them. But you will never get used to the "10 second heartbreak". That's the time it takes to wake to full consciousness each day and remember....." ~ Nina Guilbeau

Rescuing "The Shack"

I finally took the time to rescue "The Shack". It has been neglected since TJ got sick....about 3 1/2 years ago. After he died I wasn't sure about much of anything in my life let alone what to do with our place down south. Well, I finally got it in my head that I should keep it and whip it back into shape again. A friend graciously agreed to help me get it back into shape with the promise of being able to hang out down there and do some horseback riding. So we both took a 4 day weekend, loaded his truck full of paint, generator, tools and headed south for 4 days. We spent Friday and Saturday doing repairs and painting the Main Shack and the Guest Shack. I was too tired and my back hurt too much to paint the bathroom on Saturday so we left that part for another time. Since the bathroom is the smallest building it should not take long next time we go down. On Sunday morning we thoroughly cleaned the inside of both shacks. Sam encountered a family of mice in living in the guest shack and even though it meant breaking a broom handle one of them didn't make it out alive and hopefully the others have left permanently. Later in the day we drove into town (Sunsites, AZ) and went to the local watering hole and had a couple of beers. Ironically, the local bar is named TJ's Bar & Grill!

 The bathroom that is in desperate need of paint. Note the pile of brush on the steps by our resident pack rat aka Packy. We will knock it all off every morning and every night he fills the step back up again. He sure is a hard worker!

 The shacks before paint....isn't it just awful?! I forgot to get a really good picture of them after paint.

 Sam is hard at work finishing up painting the trim. What a difference huh?

 The sunrise on Saturday morning. The mountain range you see to the east are the Chiricahua Mountains

This is a view looking west at the Dragoon Mountains. I have had the pleasure of riding horseback all through this mountain range. It is also where TJ's ashes are spread. He loved it down there.

I owe a huge thank you to Sam for agreeing to help me down there. I can't imagine doing everything that needed to be done all by myself. TJ & I had planned to build an actual house down there as our retirement home. I thought my dreams of that were over when I lost him. But I now have renewed faith that someday I will live down there full time. I have often said that my home is in Cochise, I just happen to work in the Phoenix area. So this past weekend was like going home for me.....bittersweet, yet it sure felt good to be home again.

I Have Been MIA

Yes, I have been MIA. No blog reading, no blog writing. Nada...nothing. If you have been a reader of mine for a while you know I do this periodically. Life just gets in the way. Things finally picked up at work and that left me less time for reading and writing. When things were slow I got in the habit of doing those things while at work.

October is also a rough month for me. It was on this day 3 years ago that Dr. N told TJ there was nothing else he could do for him. He suggested we call in Hospice to control his pain for the time he had left. I was crushed and scared. I will never forget the look in TJ's eyes as he looked over at me and asked me if I was going to be OK. I, of course, told him I would be fine. But the reality of it was that what little bit of me that hadn't already died was preparing to die right alongside of him. I just wasn't prepared for how much of myself I was going to lose. I had no idea that my spirit and zest for life would be gone when he was.

On a brighter note. My boss suggested to me that I work at home 1 or 2 days a week. I worked at home for 11 years while TJ & I ran a business. While it was good to "go" back to work in 2008 I am looking forward to working at home part time again. I will be starting off working at home just one day a week and providing it all goes well, and I assure you it will, I will increase that to 2 days a week. I could not be happier about this. But more importantly, Tater Tot is absolutely thrilled. Today was my first day working at home again and when he realized I wasn't leaving he grabbed a toy and ran laps through the house. Seeing his joy was priceless.

I was actually fairly busy today, but being able to turn my head and see him happily chewing on his bone made my day. He stayed on the bench by my desk all day long.