My life changed dramatically and forever when I lost TJ.

I welcome you to follow along as I adjust to my "new normal".

It is not all puppies and ice cream but it is my life....real and honest.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Drama & The Week From Hell!!

We all have those friends that just thrive on drama of just about any kind and if it is not in their personal life then they thrive on someone elses drama. I have never been one of those people. Frankly, I hate drama! I prefer to just skate through life minding my own business, not gossiping, telling big tales or even really getting involved in the lives of others. I have my friends and I care about them and what happens in their lives but I sure don't thrive on their drama. Having said that it seems as though the last 6 months of my life has been filled with drama and it is really taking a toll on me. With TJ not feeling well I have to take care of everything around here. He pretty much has been consistently taking care of the dogs and feeding the horses for me in the morning but other than that he sometimes just does not feel like doing any housework. He does what he can and I know that he wishes he could do more but sometimes the energy just is not there for him. This leaves me with chores to do when I get home from work and consumes my weeknights. I get angry sometimes and I hate myself for it but it is out of sheer exhaustion and not frustration with TJ personally. Usually when I get home he is just waking from a nap and feeling pretty good, I on the other hand see nothing but chores that need to get done so while he is bored in the evenings I am just plain tired.

This week has been a particularly bad week for both of us! Of course on Monday I found out that I have lumpy breasts that need to be checked out. On Wednesday we got TJ's scan results, now this was not a really bad day but it was still drama and stress. The worst day was yesterday! When I got home from work my mule (Patsy Cline) was laying down and things just didn't look right. TJ was not sure if she had been up or not all day long. So off I go to check on her. Sure enough, she is down and can't get up. She has arthritis and it has been getting progressively worse. DAMN!!! And wouldn't ya know it, it is about to rain and rain hard! There is nothing I can do but sit back and wait for the rain to slow or pass and then go check on her. To make things worse she is laying in the natural wash that runs through our arena. DAMN again!! Fortunately, as is the norm here, the rain doesn't last long and I run out to check on her. Her spirits are good (trust me, I can see this in her) so I fill a bucket with drinking water and go back in. Three more times during the night I went out to check on her and refresh her water. TJ kept her water as fresh as he could today and my neighbors brought her over a new fly mask and some hay at some point during the day while I was at work. (Adrienne, I know it was you and I thank you very much!!!!) She had dinner and water this evening and I am going to try and sleep all night without checking on her. Yeah right Sandy, whatever!!! Tomorrow morning first thing TJ is going to put her down for me and a friend of his is bringing a backhoe to bury her. I hate it but I simply can't let her suffer any more than she already has the last 24 hours.

As if that wasn't bad enough for our Thursday evening there is actually more DRAMA. TJ got a text from his sister about 8:30 pm that they were sending his Mom to Hospice at that moment. This was totally his Mom's choice and as I was awake most of the night last night with Patsy I thought about it alot and I understand this tough decision she made and I really think it is for the best for her and her family. They will keep her comfortable and that is what is wanted by everyone involved. Although, this is a tough pill for TJ to swallow and I can see his heart breaking. Any of you that have lost one or both parents know how hard this is. His father is still kicking it in Indiana so this is a first for TJ and devastating as we all know. The pain of losing a parent is like no other pain in the world and I so wish I could help him but nothing I say or do will lessen his pain.

So, I guess our week was a drama filled week from hell. It has to get better from here.

There are two ways of meeting difficulties; you alter the difficulties or you alter yourself to meet them ~ Phyllis Battome


  1. Oh, dear girl, you so, so need a hug! I feel for you! Wish I had some wonderful, wise words of support but all I can do is send you my very, very best wishes for some happiness in the near future.

  2. Don't know what your schedule is for the holiday weekend but I sure do hope you have some restful time. Bless you.

  3. Boy you guys have really been tested. I also wish that I had some wise and comforting words, but just know we always read your blog and are always hoping that really good news will eventually come your way.

  4. Sandy, I'm really sorry for all the bad things going on. I feel saddened to hear about Patsy Cline and also TJ's mom.

    My dad had hospice care too and we were there right beside him when he took his last breath. My step mom, my sister, my brother, step brothers, my uncle and myself. My dad fought it, but we saw the end was near and just kept telling him that it was okay for him to leave us. We expressed how much we loved him and that we would all be okay. He had been out of it for a day or two, kind of coma like, but right before he took his last breath, a tear streamed down his face and then he was gone. It was so emotional but it also helped us to cope because we were there with him. Sometimes I still get flash backs of that moment, but I'm glad I was there.

    About the know what, skip it for a day or two. You don't have to be the perfect house keeper. Give yourself a break. Just veg out and watch TV, read a book or just do something for yourself that doesn't involve obligation. There's always tomorrow, and if there isn't, then so what? You left a few dirty dishes in your sink.

    Hang in there girl!

  5. Sometimes it all gets too much ...


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