From the depths of our struggles sprout the blossoms of our strengths.
With TJ feeling so poorly lately it has been very hard to find an upside to anything in life. Ok, reality is that he has felt like total shit for weeks and the both of us are tired of it! This morning was an especially bad morning and it breaks my heart to see him in such pain.
His appetite is good except for the fact that nothing tastes good to him when he eats it. This results in him taking a few bites of something and then pushing it away. He is starting to lose weight and frankly it scares the hell out of me. He is no longer the lean, strong, muscular man I met almost 16 years ago and it kills me. He was a framer then and I used to love to watch him work. It amazed me how he could hoist himself up and around trusses all the while hammering away. Believe it or not our life has not always been about cancer. We used to be carefree and have lots of fun.
Having said that though, we still do have fun. It is just different now. Everyone talks about the "new normal" and even though I don't like our "new normal" I have learned to put on a smile and take comfort in joy where we can find it. Just this morning when I felt like TJ was having the worst day ever in this journey we actually had a laugh. He had just finished dressing and we were going to walk into the kitchen together when he went back into the bathroom. I waited....and waited....(I am very impatient) and finally asked him what he was doing? He said "Combing my hair!!" (his hair is just beginning to grow back from chemo and is barely visible!) He walked out and we both had a little laugh. Is this our "new normal"?! If it is I guess I can accept it as long as we get to have a laugh together every once in a while.
Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile is the source of your joy.