Double Infinity

Tuesday, October 25th was the 2nd anniversary of TJ's death. I have been waiting for that particular day for some time as I had made plans a while back for what I wanted to do.  Since his death I have memorialized him many times by donating to different cancer charities in his name. That is something I will probably continue to do, but with less frequency.  I am a firm believer in charity and recently have found some other charities I would like to support. I don't want the rest of my life to be about cancer and what it took from me.

I decided to do something for me on Tuesday. It ensures that TJ will forever be with me. It also shows that I am alive and I intend to live the rest of my life to the fullest.

Double Infinity

The black infinity symbol has TJ's ashes mixed with it and being black symbolizes death and the end of his life, although I will love him and carry him in my heart for infinity.

The lavender infinity is for me. It symbolizes growth, my life and my future.

I chose my wrist so when things get tough, as I know they will, I can put my wrist across my heart and know TJ is with me.

If we take eternity to mean not infinite temporal duration but timelessness, then eternal life belongs to those who live in the present." ~ Ludwig Wittgenstein

Two Years Ago Today

Wow! Just. Wow. I can hardly believe it has been 2 years since TJ died. There are times when it seems like just yesterday, but mostly it seems like my life with TJ is so far, far in the past.  Yes, I think of him often. He didn't deserve the hand he was dealt. He was too young to lose his life to cancer. He was a good man and deserved to live a long and healthy life.  I miss him.  I will miss him every day for the rest of my life.

The fact is though....I am not the one who died and I needed to continue on and have a happy life.  It took me a while to reach that point without a doubt.  I always believed it, but I wasn't living it. I had a lot happen in my life after he died.  I couldn't afford our home on my own so I had to move, I had to put one of our dogs down, my Mom died, I was in a horrible truck accident, and the hardest thing was that I had to put his dog, Shiner, down. Yes, it has been a tough 2 years, but in my opinion I have kicked ass!

I told people in the beginning, "It is all about me now!" No more compromising, I do what I want to do, with whom I want to do it.  I have embraced being single.  I love it! I do date, but I keep them at a distance.  I have been seeing a guy since July and we have an agreement that we only see each other every other week. Sometimes even that is too much for me. I like the freedom that being single brings with it. I am truly enjoying working on projects around my house on the weekends. I even impress myself with what I am able to accomplish on my own.

When I bought my house I got one with a pool.  TJ never wanted a pool. I also now have a fireplace that I love. TJ & I didn't have a fireplace in our home. I put pink in my bedroom and master bath. Something TJ would never have tolerated.  Most recently, I put a RED vanity top in my master bath. I have always loved and wanted a red top but TJ always put his foot down.

So, today, I am celebrating and not bemoaning that TJ has been gone 2 years.  I am celebrating ME. I am celebrating that I can do this and I can do it well. I am celebrating how far I have come and my new plans for the future.  I do have a future. A future full of life and love. I am not just living, I am thriving!

Am I tooting my own horn? Hell yes I am! My life changed dramatically and forever when I lost TJ.  It is not always puppies and ice cream but it is pretty darn good. Even when it isn't good, I have learned to hunker down and wait for the storm to pass.  Storms always pass, and when they do the sun comes out. Sometimes there is even a rainbow after the storm.

It's not the strongest that survive, nor the most intelligent....it's the one most adaptable to change. ~ Darwin

I have spoken with a friend, fellow widow and blogger about how I feel about the anniversary of TJ's death and this is what she had to say http://crazywidow.info/?p=3761 .

Normal

I think I have turned a corner in adjusting to my "new normal". This might have happened in part due to the fact that I am finally feeling significantly less pain from my accident.  I also think time has a lot to do with it. Frankly, I am not sure exactly what the trigger was and at this point I don't care. What I do know is that I am happy and for now that is all that matters.

In the beginning, I felt powerless to let go of the the life TJ and I shared. I felt as though I needed to carry it with me forever. I let it dictate my daily life, at least on some level. By doing this I was stuck and as I have said before, I am tired of being stuck and it is time for me to let go and be free again. I know this isn't as easy as it sounds but it is a choice I have to make for myself.

I was overwhelmed with options for my future and I have weeded many of them out. I found I was reading too much into the future, yet still dwelling on the past. I will never have what I had with TJ; the good and the bad. I am capable though, of having a beautiful day today and a beautiful tomorrow. To me, this means letting go of who I have been and do something differently.

There is no such thing as "normal" and there is not a specific way I "should" be or anything I am "supposed" to do.  It is up to me to determine what will make my life meaningful and joyful.  I have to walk the path that is right for me.  Most importantly I believe I have discovered that path. At this point it is more like an unmaintained trail but I know it will lead me to something great and wonderful.

"No matter how hard the past, you can always begin again." ~ Buddha

Stop And Smell The Roses

Even though the title is cliche and many of us hear it from time to time, I am going to guess that the majority of us don't actually do it. I know I don't or at least I haven't in the past.

Last week I took Thursday and Friday off work to get some home improvement projects done around the house and clean out and organize my garage.  On my way home from work on Wednesday I stopped and got all the materials I would need for the weekend so I wouldn't have to take the time to drive to town for anything.  Once home I made a list of all the projects I wanted to complete and divided them into 3 days; planning to rest on Sunday.  I packed the majority of the projects into Thursday and Friday.  My plan was to work 12 to 16 hour days on both of those days and then have a light day on Saturday.

By Saturday morning I was completely exhausted.  I had managed to stick to my schedule by working feverishly.  While I somewhat enjoyed accomplishing things it was mostly about sticking to my schedule.  The first thing on my list for Saturday morning was to repair the goat pen fence.  As I was drinking coffee I was getting worked up knowing this was a time consuming project, but one that really needed to get done.  I was cursing the fact that it was going to take up so much of my morning.

As I was sitting uncomfortably on rocks, surrounded by goat poo and chasing the girls away from my tools I looked up and realized the sun had just popped over the top of the Superstition Mountains.  What a beautiful sight, I thought to myself. I paused for a few minutes to enjoy the beauty of the mountain that made me fall in love with Arizona back in the early 80's. I smiled. I remembered how much TJ loved those mountains also. I smiled again. I went back to fixing fence.  A bit later I heard some rustling coming from the wash that runs through my property. It was a group of coyotes.  I paused as they passed a mere 15 feet from me, looking at me warily.  I then watched them wander off into the desert. I smiled again. It wasn't long before a covey of quail ran by cooing ever so softly and then a very small rabbit hopped up and just stared at me. I once again paused and focused on his deep eyes and his soft fur.  Before I knew it I was done fixing fence. One more time I paused and looked around me.  I thought about how lucky I am to live where I live. I thought about how grateful I am and how many things I have to be grateful for. I said out loud "I have a pretty damn good life!"

Yes, it took me longer to fix the fence than I had anticipated, but it was worth it.  Down the road I won't remember that I fixed the fence in my self imposed time frame. I will remember the sun coming over the Superstitions, the coyotes and the other wildlife that stopped by.  The rest of my Saturday was better for it.

"Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace." ~ Joan Borysenko

When Two Worlds Collide

I have never been a total girly girl.  Yes, I do get my nails done every other week and I get pedicures in the summer.  I can hardly pass on a smokin' hot pair of spike heels and VictoriasSecret.com is my favorite place to shop.

But I am also comfortable in an old pair of blue jeans, boots, a flannel shirt and hanging out by a campfire in the middle of nowhere.  I love taking care of my mules, goats and dogs. I am not afraid to tackle just about any home improvement project on my own.  I have made more than my fair share of mistakes, but I always get it done....eventually.

As most of you are aware, the home I purchased after TJ died was a repossession and it wasn't in the best of shape. I have been working on it for over a year now, although I did take about 6 months off because I was just tired of it and my attitude was getting bad.  But, as of last weekend I think I got my "remodeling mojo" back! I have a rejuvenated sense of  "I can do this and I can do it well"!  I am even looking forward to tackling the yard.  I have been looking at it for quite a while now and finally have a plan.  The expense will be minimal since I intend to do it myself, but the payoff will be huge when it is done.  I have 1.5 acres with lots of trees.  Yards with large mature trees are not all that common in Arizona and why I bought a house with trees I will never know.  The trees had me intimidated at first, but no longer, I am slowly whipping them into shape.

I thought today I would share with you two of my purchases the last couple of weeks.  It truly is "two worlds colliding".

Yesterday I stopped at Home Depot on my way home from work. Which, in my opinion, that store rivals Victoria's Secret, just on a different level. I bought this and I could not be more excited about my purchase! Also, they were running a 12 months same as cash if I put it on my Home Depot credit card. I love doing that just because credit card companies stick it to consumers so frequently that I enjoy using their money for a change.

6 gallon, 150 psi air compressor

18 Ga. Narrow Crown Stapler

1-3/8" Brad Nailer

16 Ga. 1" - 2 1/2" Finish Nailer

A few weeks ago I stopped into a store after my nail appointment and saw these shoes on clearance.  Strappy with a heel....my name written all over it! Love them!

Sometimes two worlds do collide out of necessity.  I am happy in both and would not want to spend 100% of my time in either.  We all need variety in our lives.

“Not on one strand are all life's jewels strung.” ~ William Morris

Self Doubt

As I begin to think about and write down my goals and plans for my future, as I promised myself for my birthday, I am finding that I doubt myself.  This is new to me as I never doubted myself in the past.  I may not have always made the right decisions, but the decisions I made were not without conviction.  That has all changed now. I find that as I think of future plans and goals I wonder if I can really achieve them.  I know now why I have been stuck at this fork in the road for almost 2 years.  I am paralyzed because of self doubt.

I doubt my knowledge.  Do I really know enough to let go of my past?  Can I make good choices now that I am so afraid of what the future might hold?  Are my instincts what they used to be? I don't know the answer to these questions and that is why I am still here. Still standing at the fork in the road, still stagnant, and doubtful as to which route to take.  I find it easier to not choose at all.  In my heart I know that there is no such thing as a "wrong" choice.  At this point the only "wrong" choice I can make is no choice at all.

Somewhere inside of me is the will to choose a path.  I know I can and I know I will.  I may not know the answers today, but they are within me.  All I need to do is step back, look at my life objectively and take that single bold step in the direction of my future.  I will no longer give power to my self doubt.

Labor Day Party

Because of the accident I have barely used my pool all summer.  It is just too uncomfortable for me to be on a raft or any of my pool furniture. So, before summer slipped away I decided I better have a pool party with a few friends.  I made a few calls and we decided on Sunday the 4th.  It turned out to be a beautiful day with a high of only 107.  We had been having a few weeks of very hot weather so 107 was a welcome change for us.

(CLICK ON PICTURES TO ENLARGE)

Tater Tot has become obsessed with the waterfall. If it isn't on when he goes outside he will stand on it and bark at me!

Since he really enjoys his time outside it is good that he has a place to cool off.

"The girls" hanging out and gossiping sharing recipes.

Dave chose to hang at the other end of the pool to get away from the girls I think.

 It was Annie's birthday so we celebrated with an Oreo ice cream cake.

Medical Update:  My physical therapy is now once a week and my doctor's office has taken it over.  I am hoping that this makes the healing process go faster.  My doctor prescribed for me some pain relieving cream made by a compounding pharmacy out of Alabama.  OMG! This stuff is absolutely amazing! While talking to my doctor about it yesterday he commented that it was the first time he had seen me smile since June. I realize the cream is not healing, it is simply a pain reliever, but to have greatly reduced pain for a few hours is huge to me right now.